When chapter 13 talks about XY not being able to "kiss" XL for air now, even though she could previously when she didn't view herself as a woman, that reason is given in the form of narration or XY's thoughts. It's not a lie that XY says out loud to deceive XL or anyone else. If it is XY's thought, and not objective narration, it could perhaps be a self-deceiving thought, but I personally don't think it is.AH :
We see XY repeatedly lying to herself (and others) throughout the novel and the drama, so I don't think it matters if she is doing it out loud or in her head. Especially given she admits later, that it was the Dragonbone Prison promise that kept her from kissing XL. Why is this early thought supposedly true, yet the later thought (full of experience and hindsight) where she admits it was the promise to Jing that prevented her from air kissing XL false?
There's also this:
She couldn’t move, so closed her eyes and rested wearily on Xiang Liu’s lap.
After resting for a good while, Xiao Yao finally was able to think straight and she pressed down on Xiang Liu’s leg to help her sit up.
Really? I'm supposed to believe that she's cringing at an air kiss, now that she is a woman, but rolling around on his wet groin and pushing on his ... leg, right? his leg? is perfectly proper? Uhhhhn, NO. Yeah, she's totally lying to herself.
I don't think it's accurate to say that XY wanted to accept an air kiss from XL in chapter 26. In that chapter, after being furious with XL and debating with herself, she did decide to "kiss" XL for air rather than risking death by drowning again. The differences there are important.
Of course she wanted to kiss XL in chapter 26, why else is she embarrassed? XL could feel her desire through the Bugs and that's why he almost gave in and kissed her, before catching himself and breaking the mood by laughing at her. It's made abundantly clear in the drama, but it's also clear in the novel, since he didn't stop her immediately.
And there it is, in Chapter 26, the reason why she didn't air kiss XL back then. The Promise, and Jing offering first.
Back then it was because of her promise to Jing, but now it was all in the past and Jing was married.
I'd also note that the circumstances in chapter 26 were very different from the circumstances in chapter 13. It wasn't just that the 15 year promise had expired and TSJ was married to another woman. It was also after she and XL slept beside each other in XY's bed in chapter 17, and after the years that XL spent healing her in his clam shell in chapter 21, when he tenderly caressed her cheek, embraced her, and slept beside her after healing her on the night of every full moon for 37 years. All while XY was in her female form. XY had also kissed TSJ (in her female form) many times by that point. So her comfort zone in chapter 26 (in terms of what she was comfortable doing with XL specifically in her female form and in terms of what she was comfortable / experienced doing in general in her female form) was not the same as it was in chapter 13 when she was new to being back in her female form.
You are arguing both sides here. Either you think she wanted to air kiss XL (because she knew the warmth of his love and kisses felt like) AND was free of Jing and his promises, or that she just didn't want to drown.
As to why judge Jing for his 37 years of sleeping, I don't really have a problem with dying with or for the one you love în c-drama land, but what bothers me here is that XY wasn't build as a character who can see the "beauty" in this trope, on the contrary. It irritates me that both XY and CX saw this as an act of devotion from jing's part, when both of them were so against it. Until Jing did it, ofc. Very out of character, if you ask me. Same goes for them abandoning that kid în the end, I forgot his name.blabla100:
This also didn't make any sense to me. When your are a child and your mother kills herself for love right in front of you, and abandons you to fend off the wolves -- I can't see CX thinking this was an awesome act and what he, or anyone, should look for in a spouse.
Ditto XY, who also experienced CX's pain and suffered some fall out from that action. Plus, didn't it basically killed their grandmother?
Like the other horrible parallels with Jing --the 9tailed fox that imprisoned and tortured XY, XY's grandfather, etc -- the story is telling us that this 'romantic' gesture is actually rotten at the core.
When your are a child and your mother kills herself for love right in front of you, and abandons you to fend off the wolves -- I can't see CX thinking this was an awesome act and what he, or anyone, should look for in a spouse.Kokuto:
That is an interesting observation. He even specifically stated his stance way back in Chapter 10, when both he and Xiao Liu were reminiscing about their parents, and their sense of abandonment:
Xiao Liu said, “Royal Father is so wonderful, so tell me why my mother would divorce him? I used to think it was because Father wronged Mother in some way, but you’ve seen A Nian’s mother. A Nian’s real name is Gaoxin Yi (Yi 忆 means “remembering”), while her pet name is A Nian (Nian 念 means “missing”). Her name is all about remembering and missing someone, so it is evident that Royal Father cannot forget the memories of the past, and only has Mother in his heart. Yet why did Mother not want Royal Father? More often than not, I really hate her!”
Cang Xuan remembered his mother and sighed, “I don’t know! We can’t understand them! Sometimes I hate my mother too. Before she committed suicide, she held me in her arms crying, and begged me to forgive her. She gave birth to me, yet abandoned me. Tell me how I am supposed to forgive her?”
Xiao Liu said, “If I have a child in the future, I will never leave him no matter what happens.”
Cang Xuan said, “In the future when I marry a wife, I will first ask her whether she would live or die if I died. If she wants to die with me then I don’t want her!”
Xiao Liu and Cang Xuan looked at each other and started laughing.
-- Vol 1 Ch10
Really? I'm supposed to believe that she's cringing at an air kiss, now that she is a woman, but rolling around on his wet groin and pushing on his ... leg, right? his leg? is perfectly proper? Uhhhhn, NO. Yeah, she's totally lying to herself.
I nearly choked on my boba tea. Lol! The image of XL's wet groin has now been imprinted in my brain. And XY's rolling around in his lap. Must get head out of the gutter. Must get head out of the gutter. X100
And I agree with you that XY wanted to kiss XL in that moment and it wasn't just to pass air. I thought her internal dialogue was also pretty clear as well.
We see XY repeatedly lying to herself (and others) throughout the novel and the drama, so I don't think it matters if she is doing it out loud or in her head.
XY lied to others and herself on the regular. If not straight out then by omission, evasion or straight up refusing to think about it. Girlfriend got it down to an art form. XL was the only one who called her out on it.
I can't see CX thinking this was an awesome act and what he, or anyone, should look for in a spouse.
Maybe the author forgot what she had written in the earlier chapter. Maybe it's so the audience (mainly me :-)) wouldn't side-eye the hell out of Jing for his action. If CX who went through something similar thought it was OK, then it must be OK, right? Or maybe the author realized that she shouldn't make Jing too reviled as he still needed to end up with XY and she has to convince us that his action is totally admirable.
As to why judge Jing for his 37 years of sleeping, I don't really have a problem with dying with or for the one you love în c-drama land,
As I seriously question Jing's supposed "love" for XY - I see it more like a parasite clinging onto her because he needs her to validate his existence - this act of his is just a form of avoidance. Avoiding facing the fact that he will have to deal with his own issues and find his reason for existence now that his life preserver is gone. But I agree with your point about CX not side-eyeing Jing for it. With XY, it's just another example of her seemingly never-ending psychological deficiencies.
That is an interesting observation. He even specifically stated his stance way back in Chapter 10, when both he and Xiao Liu were reminiscing about their parents, and their sense of abandonment:liddi:
And XY even mentioned how she would never abandon her child. Only to promptly co-signed Jing abandoning TSZ in the lion den that is the Tushan Clan so the two of them could run off together. I guess what she said only applies to her biological child. Grow? What grow? She remained broken and selfish. At this point, I just see her action of running off to the ocean as another act of avoidance rather than something positive.
When with Jing, she is often like a worried mother...ZYHLJ:
This made me think that XY is very much a child whose view of romantic love was more akin to parental love. Because of the wounded child in her, she's seeking the love that she "lost" from her mother. The idea of someone who will always put her first is quite similar to how a mother typically places her child as the utmost priority. It reminded me of one of her scenes with Jing where she compared being with him to being with her mother.
The funny thing is that in the XY/Jing relationship, she's the one that actually took on more of the parental role - she gave him his new life, she named him and she solved his problem for him. The other thing about parental love is that eventually, a child will need to separate from the parent. A successful transition to adulthood means being your own person, with an identity of your own. If you don't successfully make this transition, then you have "failed to launch". Emmeshment is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
She did not try to heal herself for Xiang Liu, but ultimately chose to retreat into her own shell, which is really a pity,
While someone or something could be the initial catalyst for your change journey, eventually you would need to find your reason to change. It seems to me that XL pushed XY to step outside of her comfort zone; to do more; be more. He wants her to be able to go after what she wants instead of waiting for someone to give it to her. Unfortunately, XY was limited by her psychological deficiencies. A teacher can only teach according to the student's ability. Can't teach an amateur at the level of the pro.
XY retreats and keeps her world really small. She made the tentative steps towards XL, but the minute that he didn't respond like she wanted, she retreated to Jing and that safety zone. As I mentioned, you need to find your own reason for wanting to change - if your reason is external to yourself, you will stagnate or go backward when this external reason is gone.
Perhaps to him, Xiao Yao is like a piece of fragile jade that looks hard on the outside but is full of cracks on the inside due to a previous fall.
An excellent simile for XY. She presented herself as tough, seasoned and jaded. And while there is some truth to those things, at her core she's still very much a wounded child who is incredibly fragile (all the times that she's depressed/falling apart and suicidal). I find her passivity incredibly frustrating. She doesn't seem to want to address her issues; just wants to find someone to shove into the hole that is made by her issues. You can't plug a hole up like that. One day things will leak through and you'll be in even deeper doo doo then you originally were.
This could be one of the reasons why he chose to bury his feelings and left her with Jing, a sponge cushion. Although a sponge cushion is not of much use, it is just right for a very fragile piece of jade.
Heh! The imagery of Jing as a sponge cushion. I fear even a sponge cushion is more useful than good old Jing :-). Her ending up with Jing is another reason why I think her growth was so minimal as to be non-existence. The only thing this man is good for is dying with her. Girl, you could have done better than that! Unfortunately, she just accepted the first offer from whichever loser asked instead of seeking for something better.
The only thing this man is good for is dying with her.HeadInTheClouds:
No, he was not good at dying either. If he had been good at dying he would have died in short time. His burnt injury was not serious and fatal at all. And he just let his consciousness slip away slowly.
That is an interesting observation. He even specifically stated his stance way back in Chapter 10, when both he and Xiao Liu were reminiscing about their parents, and their sense of abandonment:
Cang Xuan remembered his mother and sighed, “I don’t know! We can’t understand them! Sometimes I hate my mother too. Before she committed suicide, she held me in her arms crying, and begged me to forgive her. She gave birth to me, yet abandoned me. Tell me how I am supposed to forgive her?”
Most of the time, CX had hatred toward his mom's suicide. He only understood her action in chapter 47 when he experienced the feeling of complete loss of loved one. It also suprised me that he did not have negative thought of Jing's behavior of choosing to die with XY. Partly it shows their selfishness. As long as such sacrifice looked good or beneficial for XY, both CX and XY praised such action.
1 hour ago
Kokuto:
Really? I'm supposed to believe that she's cringing at an air kiss, now that she is a woman, but rolling around on his wet groin and pushing on his ... leg, right? his leg? is perfectly proper? Uhhhhn, NO. Yeah, she's totally lying to herself.
I nearly choked on my boba tea. Lol! The image of XL's wet groin has now been imprinted in my brain. And XY's rolling around in his lap. Must get head out of the gutter. Must get head out of the gutter. X100
And I agree with you that XY wanted to kiss XL in that moment and it wasn't just to pass air. I thought her internal dialogue was also pretty clear as well.
@Kokuto: in the novel, they were sitting on the water surface. XY had nothing to lean except his laps unlike in the drama where XL dragged her on seashore. And also when XL walked away, she had to swim right away since she was left in the middle of the sea.
The moment inside the water in chapter 13, XY awared very well that that action is a kiss, not just simple taking air. She tried to avoid the kiss because (1) she knew how dangerous it would be if she had kissed him since it was very difficult to resist man like him and (2) her promise with Jing.
Xiao Yao felt the mood between them was no longer as intense and dangerous as before so carefully asked “How did you get mixed up with Ah Nian?”
“Can’t I?”
Xiao Yao grabbed his sleeve and sternly said “No! You can’t go mess with her again. She’s been so well protected by my dad, she is unable to stand the teasing from kind of person like you (禁不住你这种人的撩拨)”
Xiang Liu leaned forward and laughed “A person like me? What kind of person am I?”
Xiao Yao rolled her eyes at him “You totally know.” (Chapter 13)
I noticed the text you provided was incomplete (see highlighted sections). The following is my translation of the full excerpt you mentioned:
It is very strange. I first wrote analysis of this part using the original text of 2013 version [analysis of WXL's choice in chapter 8] and the text in Madarin is identicalr to your text. The paragraph that I quoted and asked you for translation was taken from a website of 2019 edition of LYF [2019-ebook, chapter 8]. So, I don't know if it is the mistake of the website or also hard copy of that particular edition had the same mistake. I also saw mistake in names in chapter 28 about the family who is leading of 6 big Central Plains families. CX married to a daughter from this family which Da Yan called them Zhao. But in chapter 28, google translate gave the name as zhu and zhuo
At that point in time, WXL knew very little about XL, much less his personal life. She had no idea why XL was even working with the Resistance Army and had never met Hong Jiang. Basically, she had seen him at work, and never in a personal relationship, so she had no idea how he would react with a lover.
WXL had discussion with XL about Shang Nong army and Gong Gong several time: one time when she saw his bad mood after watching the moon and one time when she asked him why he tried to kill CX. Moreover, she observed his discipline and reaction in the camp when she was there for the medicine. So, the information that XL told her, his reaction when she tried to tell him to change side and what she saw in the camp provided her points for her judgment that he would stick his fate to Sheng Nong army.
Xiao Yao’s face was ashen white but she kept muttering the same lie over and over “I’m fine! I was already prepared…..when I first met him I knew this day would come! I always knew! (Chapter 51)
As usual, I disagree that XL had decided to die with the Resistance Army at that point, so I don't think WXL would think he was doomed. The big roadblock in their relationship at that point was that he was her family's enemy and her own issues ... and the Dragonbone Prison promise.
XY never gave XL a chance, in part because Jing made sure to knock him out of the running, with the Promise and his confession telling XY everything she wanted to hear.
Yes, I also thought that XL might had kind of plan for future with WXL, he did not fix his mind to death with Sheng Nong army yet when he accepted the bug. But our thought might not be the same with XY's thought and judgment. Because of her presuming, she did not give him any chance for further feeling development (mainly from her side). And when she could not control her stirring toward him, she took Jing as solution to supress it since Jing's proposal was appealing and fit her wish "I would rather be burned and suffer every day. ..I still think it is safer to hide in a hard shell. I have suffered too much in my life, and I don’t want to suffer anymore or get hurt again.". In short term, he would help her back to her usual, previous style of life with temporary, weak companion or if he could deliver his promise, YSQ would be ideal candidate for the role of her man who placed her as the first choice in any circumstance.
Shi Qi said in a low voice “Fifteen years. Don’t let another man into your heart.”
Xiao Liu raised her head and said with an laugh “Then what about fifteen years later? Can I let another man in fifteen years later?”
Shi Qi’s face darkened and he tightly gripped Xiao Liu’s hands.
小六轻轻地摇了摇手，柔声说：“你安心去吧，十五年，我等你。”既然那丝牵念没有办法斩断，那就给那丝牵念十五年吧，至于十五年后，那丝牵念是消失，还是织成了网，没有人知道。
Xiao Liu gently shook his hand and said softly, "You can go with peace of mind. Fifteen years, I'll wait for you." Since that thread of worries and thoughts cannot be cut off, let give it fifteen years. As for whether the thread of worries and thoughts will disappear or be woven into a web after fifteen years, no one knows (Vol 1 chapter 10)
The paragraph that I quoted and asked you for translation was taken from a website of 2019 edition of LYF [2019-ebook, chapter 8]. So, I don't know if it is the mistake of the website or also hard copy of that particular edition had the same mistake.H19279:
Thank you for sharing the link to the 2019 e-book website. I have been looking for one that is reliable, because it is very cumbersome and tiring cross-referencing my physical copy each time. However, it does appear that the website itself is not completely accurate either. If all else fails, I might look to buy the e-book as well.
I also saw mistake in names in chapter 28 about the family who is leading of 6 big Central Plains families. CX married to a daughter from this family which Da Yan called them Zhao. But in chapter 28, google translate gave the name as zhu and zhuo
In this regard, the 2019 e-book website matches up with the 2023 edition, as well as the 2013 version.
Cang Xuan's first wife Shu Hui is from the 曋 Shen family of the Central Plains. Google translate will give you the correct name if you enter just that word alone, instead of in the combined text.
Cang Xuan's first wife Shu Hui is from the 曋 Shen family of the Central Plains. Google translate will give you the correct name if you enter just that word alone, instead of in the combined text.
I have not checked word by word yet. In the vietnamese translation the name was consistent as Shen (Thẩm), too. Thank for your information that the google translate may result different specific name when it translates specific names in combination with other adjacent words
As to why judge Jing for his 37 years of sleeping, I don't really have a problem with dying with or for the one you love în c-drama land, but what bothers me here is that XY wasn't build as a character who can see the "beauty" in this trope, on the contrary. It irritates me that both XY and CX saw this as an act of devotion from jing's part, when both of them were so against it. Until Jing did it, ofc. Very out of character, if you ask me.
I agree with this.
Same goes for them abandoning that kid în the end, I forgot his name.
Tushan Zhen.
We see XY repeatedly lying to herself (and others) throughout the novel and the drama, so I don't think it matters if she is doing it out loud or in her head. Especially given she admits later, that it was the Dragonbone Prison promise that kept her from kissing XL.
And there it is, in Chapter 26, the reason why she didn't air kiss XL back then. The Promise, and Jing offering first.
Back then it was because of her promise to Jing, but now it was all in the past and Jing was married.
I believe her decision in chapter 13 was driven by all three of the reasons mentioned in the text. She was now a woman in a woman's body. She'd made the 15 year promise. And she was scared of falling (further) for XL.
Assuming that her thought in chapter 13 (if it is a thought and not objective narration) must be her lying to herself and then assuming that her thought in chapter 26 is the full and complete truth seems like cherry picking.
Why is this early thought supposedly true, yet the later thought (full of experience and hindsight) where she admits it was the promise to Jing that prevented her from air kissing XL false?
There's also this:
She couldn’t move, so closed her eyes and rested wearily on Xiang Liu’s lap.
After resting for a good while, Xiao Yao finally was able to think straight and she pressed down on Xiang Liu’s leg to help her sit up.
Really? I'm supposed to believe that she's cringing at an air kiss, now that she is a woman, but rolling around on his wet groin and pushing on his ... leg, right? his leg? is perfectly proper? Uhhhhn, NO. Yeah, she's totally lying to herself.
XL pulled XY onto his lap while she was unconscious. She was unconscious because he drowned her. When XY woke up, she couldn't move. When she could move, she pressed his leg to signal to him to help her up. I don't view any of that as evidence that XY actually would have been perfectly happy to "kiss" XL for air in her female body at that point, especially in those circumstances, and any narration or thoughts to the contrary are just lies.
@Kokuto: in the novel, they were sitting on the water surface. XY had nothing to lean except his laps unlike in the drama where XL dragged her on seashore. And also when XL walked away, she had to swim right away since she was left in the middle of the sea.
+1 to this.
Of course she wanted to kiss XL in chapter 26, why else is she embarrassed?
"Xiao Yao furiously stared at him, was he trying to force her…..to do that?" This sounds like the reaction of someone who wanted to "kiss" for air to you?
"...her brain was fighting with itself – kiss or no kiss?" She debated whether to risk dying (again!) vs giving in and "kissing" him for air so she didn't drown.
"There was no reason for her to suffer for it anymore and risk her own life….Xiao Yao made her decision and pulled on Xiang Liu’s arm and used it to propel her closer to him." At the end of her internal debate, she decided to "kiss" him for air instead of risking her life again.
IMO, after her "kiss" was rejected, XY was mainly embarrassed because she was willing to give in and "kiss" him for air this time, rather than risking drowning, and then got rejected, which was humiliating.
I'm not saying XY didn't have feelings for XL, or that she would necessarily be opposed to kissing him in some other circumstance, at this point in the story. But in this specific scenario she thought he was drowning her again to force her to kiss him and she was furious with him for it.
XL could feel her desire through the Bugs and that's why he almost gave in and kissed her, before catching himself and breaking the mood by laughing at her. It's made abundantly clear in the drama, but it's also clear in the novel, since he didn't stop her immediately.
In the novel, XY is described as feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and unable to look at XL when she goes in for the air "kiss". Tong Hua does not include her usual indicators for romantic feelings (blushing, a faster heartbeat) or desire (dark eyes, heavy breathing), even though XY blushes and has a faster heartbeat because of her feelings for XL (and XL's heartbeat also speeds up) later in the chapter, when XY doesn't think he's trying to drown her to force her to "kiss" him. I do think it's possible that XY might have felt some undercurrent of desire when she went in for the kiss despite her fury, embarrassment and frustration, given her feelings for XL, but I definitely don't think she chose to "kiss" him out of desire and I don't think the existence of desire on some level, if it was there, should lead to the conclusion that she "wanted" to be forced into the "kiss".
In the drama, it didn't seem like YZ was trying to portray XY as furious when she debates what to do after XL stops her from going up to the surface, or as particularly embarrassed and frustrated when she goes in for the kiss. Although she does close her eyes as if she is unable to look at XL.
-----
Chapter 26:
The clam shell was enormous and even with the two of them inside it wasn’t a tight squeeze at all. She slept here for thirty-seven years with Xiang Liu. Would that be equivalent of sleeping in the same bed and sharing the same pillow? Those two merpeople saw the clam shell as their home, how did Xiang Liu view this clam shell?
Xiao Yao suddenly felt all sorts of thoughts and feelings rush up and her face burned as her heart sped up.
Xiao Yao chastised herself and tried desperately to control her feelings and reactions, but she couldn’t control her heartbeat. Just like that, Xiang Liu sensed it and looked over at her. Xiao Yao quickly said “I’m hungry! So hungry I’m all nerves!”
Xiao Yao’s face was so red it was like a burning sunset and she forced her eyes wide open to stare at Xiang Liu. His heartbeat quickened a few times and Xiao Yao sensed it. But then it was gone just like that and she wondered if it was her mistaken sensation.
AH :
I'd also note that the circumstances in chapter 26 were very different from the circumstances in chapter 13. It wasn't just that the 15 year promise had expired and TSJ was married to another woman. It was also after she and XL slept beside each other in XY's bed in chapter 17, and after the years that XL spent healing her in his clam shell in chapter 21, when he tenderly caressed her cheek, embraced her, and slept beside her after healing her on the night of every full moon for 37 years. All while XY was in her female form. XY had also kissed TSJ (in her female form) many times by that point. So her comfort zone in chapter 26 (in terms of what she was comfortable doing with XL specifically in her female form and in terms of what she was comfortable / experienced doing in general in her female form) was not the same as it was in chapter 13 when she was new to being back in her female form.
You are arguing both sides here. Either you think she wanted to air kiss XL (because she knew the warmth of his love and kisses felt like) AND was free of Jing and his promises, or that she just didn't want to drown.
I'm not following your logic there, Kokuto. Nothing I said in my post is intended to suggest that I think that XY "wanted to air kiss XL (because she knew the warmth of his love and kisses felt like)". I'm not sure how you got that. I gave some examples to explain why XY would be more willing to give in, when XL forced her to "kiss" him for air (or she perceived that he was forcing her) in chapter 26, than in chapter 13. But "wanting to kiss" and "being willing to give in and kiss to avoid drowning" are quite different.
Happy to rephrase if that might help clarify.
In chapter 13, XL drowned XY to try to force her to "kiss" him for air. She chose to drown rather than to give in and "kiss" him.
In chapter 26, XY thought XL was drowning her to try and force her to "kiss" him for air, again. This time, after debating with herself, she decided that she would "kiss" him for air rather than risking her life again.
What was different this time?
In chapter 13, she had just returned to her female body and wasn't willing to kiss him as a woman. In chapter 26, she had been in her female body for decades, had had intimate contact with XL, and had experience kissing TSJ. So it seems understandable that she might be less opposed to the idea of kissing XL for air to avoid drowning at that point than she was in chapter 13.
In chapter 13, the 15 year promise that XY made to TSJ was fresh and she wanted to keep it. In chapter 26, the 15 year promise had expired, she and TSJ were no longer together, and TSJ was married. So the promise and TSJ were no longer factors.
In chapter 13, XY was afraid of falling (further) for XL and letting XL into her dreams. By chapter 26, that ship had long sailed.
So in chapter 26 all three of the circumstances that made XY unwilling to give in and "kiss" XL for air in order to avoid drowning in chapter 13 had changed. So she decided this time she was willing to give in and to "kiss" him in order to not risk her life again.
-- Vol 1 Ch8
-- Vol 1 Ch10
Thank you for these translations liddi!
@AH,
That's interesting. My impression was that XY lacked trust in all men at that point, including XL and TSJ.
She had already taken YSQ out of her equation . She had had hoped to rely on YSQ (to deal with Xuan and Ah Nian) but he left her alone.
She didn’t trust Jing either but for other reason . Jing showed that he was willing to help her ( the herb issue, playing chest, ice crystal). She needed help and she used that situation to test Jing if Jing could help her to escape and go back to her previous way of living (where he hid behind the hard shell).
I'm not sure I'm following. What do you mean by "She had already taken YSQ out of her equation."?
Are you saying that you don't think her thoughts in chapter 8 relate to TSJ because she didn't consider him to be a man who could save her from burning, like the man in the metaphor? If that's your position, we have different interpretations. To me, her thoughts definitely seem like they are connected to TSJ, although my view is that her fears were not exclusive to TSJ.
Xiao Liu’s legs were in excruciating pain. Leaning on Shi Qi, he murmured to himself, “If I had known that I could not escape despite going through so much difficulties, I might as well not have tried to escape. However, if I had not escaped, how would I be able to know you were willing to fulfil my wish? But what should I do now? How much better if you had not agreed to help me. I could have then happily severed any worries and thoughts without hesitation. If only you had not let me escape alone when we were surrounded back then! Sang Tian Er longed for a man to save her, but in fact, no man could save her at all. The man gave Sang Tian Er a few drops of honey, turning one kind of suffering to another. To Sang Tian Er, life is a furnace, scorching her daily, causing her great suffering. The man may appear to have held her in his arms and enabled her to be free from pain, but in truth, the man merely changed Sang Tian Er’s suffering from the pain of being burnt, to the fear that the man will let go of her and she would be burnt once more. Which of the two sufferings is worse? Perhaps many women would choose the pain of being held. At least, there would be occasional drops of honey. At least they would no longer be burnt. At least they could hope that the man would never let go of them. But I won’t! I would rather suffer being burnt daily. My hands are free, and the pain would make me scheme of escaping. However, when I am being held in someone's arms, I would use both hands to hold him tightly for fear that he would let go. I would forget to contemplate deeply because of the few drops of honey he gave me. In fact, the one who saved Sang Tian Er in the end was still herself, not a man! Sang Tian Er had me to fulfil her wish, but who would fulfil mine? The Gods can fulfil humans’ wishes, but who will fulfil the wishes of the Gods? Obviously no one! I still think that it is safer to hide within a hard shell. I have suffered too much my whole life, I don't want to suffer anymore, to be hurt anymore….”
-- Vol 1 Ch8
She needed help and she used that situation to test Jing if Jing could help her to escape and go back to her previous way of living (where he hid behind the hard shell).
I can't tell if we have the same interpretation of the test that XY imposed on TSJ, and her reasons for doing so, or not.
IMO, she goes to TSJ with a request that she thinks he won't be willing to meet in the hopes that his unwillingness will help her to cut off her thoughts / worries / feelings for him. But he doesn't hesitate and is willing to meet her request, and instead of being cut off, her thoughts / worries / feelings for TSJ grow.
-----
Chapter 8:
The Tu Shan clan businesses blanketed the vast wilderness, including selling to the Sheng Nong resistance army. They had to have secret passages to move items in and out of town. But right now the Grand Emperor of Gao Xing and the Xuan Yuan Prince both wanted him. If Tu Shan Jing helped him, then he would be making an enemy out of the entire world. Would Tu Shan Jing be willing to make an enemy of both Xuan Yuan and Gao Xing for one little Wen Xiao Liu?
The moment this thought popped into his head, Xiao Liu suddenly wanted to know Jing’s choice even more than he wanted to escape Qing Shui Town. Xiao Liu looked at the ice crystal wind chime and smiled coldly. Whatever Jing chose to do, once Xiao Liu asked then he’ll know.
...
Xiao Liu smiled wanly that Jing knew he wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something he wanted. Xiao Liu turned around. “Xuan Yuan’s Prince Zhuan Xu is waiting for me at Hui Chun Clinic to take me to see the Grand Emperor of Gao Xing Kingdom.”
Jing said slowly, “I will accompany you to Gao Xing. The Grand Emperor is a sage ruler, he would not be looking to harm you.”
“It doesn’t matter to me if he’s a sage ruler or not. I don’t want to meet him!”
Jing asked, “You want to run away?” Xiao Liu smiled. “Yes, I want to run away.”
Jing replied, “It will be very difficult.”
Xiao Liu nodded with more smiles. “It is very difficult, if it wasn’t difficult I wouldn’t be here with you. The Tu Shan clan must have a secret passage way out of town. You help me escape.”
“Fine!”
Xiao Liu’s smile froze and he stared at Jing. “Once escaped, then it’s resisting an Imperial Summons from the Grand Emperor. Zhuan Xu will send people to track us down, and if we continue to resist he won’t hesitate to kill. The road ahead will be perilous, and even if we escape, you will have made an enemy of both the Gao Xing and Xuan Yuan Kingdoms.”
Jing took Xiao Liu’s hand and pulled him into the study and said to Jing Ye, “Prepare clothes. I’m taking Xiao Liu and leaving Qing Shui Town.”
Jing Ye must’ve heard what they said and glared in rage at Xiao Liu but held it in. “My lord there is no need for you to be in danger, I will have two men accompany Master Liu out of town. I will stake my life on protecting him.”
Jing gently said, “Prepare clothes for us.”
Jing Ye knew Jing made up his mind so didn’t dare speak again and went to prepare the clothes.
...
The carriage started to move and it was dark and Xiao Liu and Jing were tightly pressed together due to its cramped space. When Xiao Liu went to look for Jing, it was a spur of the moment thing. He wanted to see Jing put in a tight spot, he wanted to hear Jing try to talk him into going to see the Grand Emperor and it was no big deal. Xiao Liu wanted to hear all of this with his own ears, so that he could use this cruel method to cut [his worries and thoughts], so that he could leave without a care, so that he could let Wen Xiao Liu vanish forever without any sadness.
But when Xiao Liu said he didn’t want to go and Jing never asked why he would rather risk death to escape than go, nor did he pause to think about his own danger before agreeing to help him escape, the [worries and thoughts] in Xiao Liu’s heart expanded instead of being severed.
...
Jing said, “Tomorrow will be exhausting, you rest leaning on me.” Xiao Liu looked up at the stars and said nothing. A raspy voice said, “I. Am Shi Qi.”
Xiao Liu still looked up at the stars and said nothing, but after a few moments his head slowly tilted and lightly rested on Shi Qi’s shoulder.
...
However, if I had not escaped, how would I be able to know you were willing to fulfil my wish? But what should I do now? How much better if you had not agreed to help me. I could have then happily severed any worries and thoughts without hesitation. If only you had not let me escape alone when we were surrounded back then!
----
Chapter 22:
Xiao Yao turned to look at Jing and murmured, “You really are so broken over me that you are seeking death?”
Xiao Yao felt the shell around her heart shatter completely. All those [worries and thoughts] that she tried to cut all those times finally weaved together into a web at last.
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