Episode 14 feedback from an autistic + break-up commentary

Thank you for your commentaries on each episode. It's fun to read them, but more importantly you are educating us on something that otherwise we would never find out. 

Yea, camera shaking in the end scene - I've noticed that as well. Looked like it was filmed by an amateur and hastily squeezed into the end of the episode. Where's excellent quality gone? I still recall how superbly a scene  was shot where FL tells her mother she knows it's her. The way camera started tilting sideways to show shock and world unraveling for TSM. This tremor handed camera in episode 14 ain't it.

Thank you very much. I learned a lot.

 Aramintai:

Yea, camera shaking in the end scene - I've noticed that as well. Looked like it was filmed by an amateur and hastily squeezed into the end of the episode. Where's excellent quality gone?

Yeah! It's not consistent with their previous episodes. It was probably not there before or they let a rookie handled that scene. T_T

 emmagucci:

"Recently, via Twitter, I learned that phrases like "I'll look into it" and "let me think about it" actually meant "no". All this time I understood it literally. Whenever I use these phrases I meant it literally -- I will indeed look into it, just wait; or I will definitely think about it, give me some time. (So when people tell that to me, I seriously follow it up because for me it literally means that. For some mysterious and convoluted reason, it means "no".) "


WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT MEANS "NO"?!?

Haha. Yep, it is what it means, apparently. Here are the threads discussing it:

• Twitter: https://twitter.com/AutisticCallum_/status/1557448996314046471
• Tumblr: https://t.youronly.one/post/692247389972709376/seriously-for-real-all-this-time-whenever-i

 Nbj123:

They will get back together

Yes, they will. Not because it's "K-drama" but because it's real life. ;) We, autistics, our love is almost eternal. Even with "friends", most of us have very few friends because (1) it is hard for us to make friends; and (2) we have a strict definition of "friend", totally different from non-autistics.

It's the same in a romantic relationship. Majority of us do not "fall in love" the way non-autistics do. It is not about because s/he is beautiful. Or, "butterflies in the stomach"; or "love at first sight". You grow on us. Many of us autistics can not even tell if we are in love or not.

Then there is Young Woo being a woman. She is not only autistic but she is also a woman. At least most women I've had a deep talk with told me when they love someone, they think of marriage already. But most men don't (unfortunately). So, as a woman, Young Woo is also processing their relationship from that vantage point.

She loves him. She can not deny the issues raised by Joon Ho's sister, and yes, in real life we autistics do not deny those concerns raised by non-autistics, we are not blind to it. Like most autistics think, we make the sacrifice. This is what she did. She loves him but she has to give Joon Ho an easy way out. If she did not, and Joon Ho will eventually learn or piece things together, he will be forced to choose between his family and her.

If Joon Ho chooses her (if they did not break up), there is no guarantee he will not remind her "I chose you over my family". Why? Because he already did that - counting his sacrifices.

Because Young Woo gave him an easy way out, if Joon Ho decides to choose her, then he did it because he truly loves her. Then the ball will be in Young Woo's court, it will be her decision if they can get back together. Which I think they will.

^_^

I’m not autistic and didn’t follow your threads, but “I’ll look into it” and “let me think about it” don’t mean “no” in my experience. They are a delay tactic and still could result in a “yes.”  

 emmagucci:

This drama and this discussion make me realize I might be a bit autistic myself. X°D    

You're not "a bit autistic", you are born autistic. ^_^

If you want to learn more there are two paths:

1. Get an "official" diagnosis (it is officially recorded); or
2. Learn more about autism / self-diagnosis; or
3. Get an "unofficial" diagnosis (you see a professional specializing in autism but choose not to record it on paper)

On "self-diagnosis". As I noted in a preview episode, it is well accepted in the autistic community. Majority of those who are against it are non-autistics.

There are many reasons why a self-diagnosis is accepted by majority of autistics:

• There are discrimination, prejudice, stigma that comes with having an official diagnosis.
  • In some countries, you won't be allowed to enter even as a tourist unless you have a "guardian" or have a relative living there. They don't care if you can handle yourself well.
  • In some companies (and in some countries), they do not hire people who have an official diagnosis. But they do hire people who self-diagnosed because they don't recognize it (and more likely dismisses it too).
• It is expensive in your country.
  • For example, here in the Philippines, it will cost your more or less ₱25,000. The minimum wage in the capital region is somewhere around ₱6,000 (monthly, if it's a monthly contract). Consider one's food, transportation, bills, well … getting a diagnosis is not option.
• Lack of professionals who actually knows autism.
  • Many in the field are not. They don't specialized in autism. Which is generally not good because it leads to misdiagnosis (incorrect) or "missed diagnosis" (missed the 'signs').
  • There is also accessibility - location. One probably has to travel hundreds of kilometers, or hop from island to island.
• Family related
  • There are families/clans who does not like hearing "official" news that a member of their family/clan have a condition. It may be because:
    • They have a reputation up hold.
    • They are in politics; and usually in politics, a family member with a condition affects their position and advocacies. (But they love their family nonetheless, they just need to appear "perfect" so the public will not dismiss them.)
  • They have a very negative view about conditions in general. No matter how you explain it, their minds are set it is a "negative", something to be ashamed of. Worst case scenario: they'll disown you.
• The person simply does not want to make it "official" because it means they have to "admit" it. A self-diagnosis offers an option to know it personally but not admit it publicly, and thus, prevent additional discrimination, prejudice, and stigma.
• The autistic person is already an adult and has survived so far without needing government, NPO, NGO, support. Considering the reasons given earlier, and them surviving so far, an "official" diagnosis is not much of a gain for them.

I also used the word "official" in "official diagnosis" because there are autistics who did get a diagnosis but chose not to record it "officially".

There are also professionals who specialized in autism, and truly understands what comes with an "official" diagnosis, who gives that advice to autistics. They ask the autistic person if they want to keep it on record, or if only certain traits and/or quirks should be kept on record but the rest not.

Not having an "official diagnosis" (recorded officially on paper) does not make one non-autistic. This is a lie. A person is born autistic. General understanding is autism is highly genetical, meaning it is passed down. If a child is born autistic, it does not matter if it's detected or written on a piece a paper, the person is autistic.

This is why majority of autistics, and the autistic community, and non-autistics who truly understands autism, accepts self-diagnosis and "unofficial diagnosis". You are not made autistic because of a piece of paper, you are born autistic. It is not a disease, or a virus, or germs, that you acquire. You were born an autistic person and you will leave this world an autistic person.

That explained and out of the way …

How best to self-diagnose? This is my personal advice:

• Meet autistic people offline and online
  • Could be in autistic groups.
  • Join a meet up in your local area, if any.
• Watch videos and learn about autism from #ActuallyAutistics.
  • The best way to know and learn about autism is directly from autistic people, correct?
• Read materials about autism and autistics. Most especially those written by autistic people. (If you want, you can compare materials written by a non-autistic and an autistic; if you spot the differences, it may be that you have that autistic trait.)
• You can take quizzes but only from reputable ones. Be extra careful here. If in doubt:
  • Take the same quiz two months apart.
  • Take other quizzes; and do it two months apart for the same as well.
  • Do it for the next one year or two.
  • Compare your results.
• Ask your parents, siblings, or anyone who was with you when you were a baby, a kid, basically who was there when you were growing up.
  • You may ask directly like "did I do something like this?" But personally, I do not advise that as many people's memories can be easily changed depending on what they hear.
  • I advise just talking casually. Let them open it up themselves. You can insert a false memory and see how they react to it.
    • I am not saying is fool-proof. It's a start.
  • In a professional diagnosis, they generally ask anyone who was with you when you were growing up.
    • Autism is easier to spot when a person is still a kid.
    • It is harder once a person is an adult because we already learned skills and ways to mask ourselves.
      • And if you are indeed autistic, then you are very good at masking.
      • Since you are not yet aware you are autistic, then more likely you also do not know you have been masking. It's too natural for you already. Not knowing you are masking won't enable you to remove those masks.
      • So you end up with an adult not being diagnosed as autistic, or is misdiagnosed with another condition.

It will take years. It won't happen within 24 hours or so. However, if you really are sure that you are even after 1 quiz (for example), then you are. No one has any right to dismiss and invalidate you. At the end of the day, it is all up to you.

If you were truly born autistic, and have proven it beyond any reasonable doubt, you will start to understand things about you when you were a kid. There is no guarantee how it will affect you when the realizations and understandings hit  you. Some autistics had a positive experience. Some don't. I do hope you'll have a positive experience.

Then … that is the only time you will start to see the discrimination, prejudice, and stigma surrounding autism and against autistic people. Because you finally understand. Because you can now relate. Some are good at handling it, some don't. I myself am somewhere in-between, I can let go of some, even ignore it, but some I just can't and will speak about it.

In other words, it is going to be a journey from your past, to your present, and the rest of your life.

Lastly!

Here are some traits and quirks. Note, it does not mean you are autistic or non-autistic if one or two or all doesn't resonate with you. Also, this is in no way a complete list, this is just meant to give you some idea.

• Is has been observed for years (and IIRC there were even studies [I'll have to find those some time for an article]) that autistics generally look younger. This is because many autistics generally does not know how to use 'negative' facial expressions. The largest serious and honest comment about my age I've ever heard was I'm 20-25 years younger than I actually am. Usually it's 10, but 20-25? My only reaction was to smile and say "thank you".
• Eye contact. (Thank you @architect0 for reminding me!) Many autistics avoid eye contact. It is uncomfortable. Some explained it as "rude" (but for neurotypicals, it is not rude). Some it's the "window to our soul" and it feels like opening yourself up to the other person when you do not want to, or gave them permission. There are also autistics who can do it well but most find it hard. There are tricks to it like looking at someone's eyebrows, or the bridge of their nose, or wearing eyeglasses or sunglasses. Some autistics learned how to endure (like for example in a job interview) but it is draining.
• Sensory sensitivities. (Thank you @architect0 for reminding me!) This is because of sensory sensitivities. For example, no touching is common for autistics who have a hyper sensitivity on touch. Loud noises can cause a sensory overload for some autistics because their hearing is hypersensitive. How an autistic handles, processes, and react, are also different even if they have the same level of sensitivity. But believe it or not, deep pressure therapy (for example, hugging) does help during overloads and meltdowns. There are also autistics who have hypo sensitivity. Some of their senses are less sensitive than what is determined to be the normal level.
• Many autistics can not identify facial expressions (nor do them knowingly). There are autistics who can. Me, I only know the basics. I still can't identify a lot, and I just stopped bothering myself with it … it is very draining.
• It was also observed that many autistics can not identify the feeling of "hunger". We do feel "hungry" we just can not identify it properly. The con of this is that we keep on doing whatever it is we are doing, sometimes go to sleep, and do the same thing again the following day … without noticing we haven't eaten at all. That's me too. My method is I have a set time to eat. It is also why I'm fine with fasting with 3 to 7 days. I just can't identify the feeling of "hunger".
• Intense focus on something. For example, when you are at work, or reading a novel, or studying, you shutdown the world around you automatically without the need for an ear plug or headphones. People are calling your name but you are not responding. You hear them but you are putting those inputs at the back of your mind, you do not process it as important. At that moment, what is important for you is whatever it is you are doing. That's me too.
• Special interests. Young Woo's are whales. However, it does not mean you that's your topic for the rest of your life. Not at all. Many autistics have more than one topic they love to talk about or have mastered once in their life. Many autistics shift from one topic to another. The difference with a neurotypical is that an autistic, once something piques their interest, they dug deep into it and learn as many as they can before that interest wanes or find a new one more interesting.
• Stimming. Short for self-stimulation, a repetitive behavior. This is not necessarily a sign one is autistic but this is very common in majority of autistics. For autistics, it is a coping mechanism (1) decrease sensory overload (common); (2) to calm down; and (3) when it's hard to explain something.
  • rocking/swaying/hopping
  • flapping hands (slightly, mildly, and like a bird)
  • echolalia; or repeating words
  • pacing
  • fixing things in order or logical sense (autistic OCD [different from regular OCD])
  • finger tapping
  • humming, groaning, squealing
  • many more
• People watching. You stand/sit some place and simply observe people. You're just there for hours observing people. Neurotypicals will generally ask you "what are you doing?" And prior to knowing it is called "people watching", you just say "nothing", or "just looking at people". Then NTs will reply "why?" And you think and say, "just … observing". (I love people watching, I've been doing this since in elementary.)
  • What's actually happening is you are unconsciously taking notes of how people do things and react, especially in interaction and social situations.
  • Later on, when you are in a certain situation, you unconsciously copy what you've seen before.
• People say you are "weird" or "there's something different about you but I can't place it". Generally, the reason people say this is because you are doing something (it could physically, literally, or on your expressions and the way you think/analyse things) that they have not seen in most other people they've met.
  • That's because you are indeed different.
• You have an affinity for logic. Many autistics think and analyze things logically. There should be order. It should make sense. If 1 + 2 = 3 then this and that. It does not mean you are not artistic or creative. It's often mistaken that if a person is logical it means their creative/artistic side is low or non-existent. Not true at all. There is also logic in creativity and art!
• You love routines. It is easier for you if things happen the way it did before. It is not because it was tried and tested, rather it keeps you comfortable and you know what will or should happen next. It does not mean you do not like spontaneity. There are autistics who love spontaneity. It just that, you feel more comfortable if things are organized and predictable. For some autistics, if their routine is disrupted, it causes them to lose focus. Some starts to stim to calm themselves down and to re-organize, re-assess, recover. How a disruption of your established routine affects you is different per autistic person. But the love for routines, how it makes you comfortable, is largely similar.
• Multitasking. Many autistics find it hard to multitask. It is not true that autistics can not multitask. It is just so hard for many. There are autistics who can multitask. I can multitask but only if what I'm multitasking are similar in nature, for example, in a customer service work the things you multitaks are similar. But if I have to multitask unrelated things? It's going to be a huge challenge and something I do not want to do again. My solution to that is to concentrate on one thing only. Other autistics made it a habit to k eep a list of things they are doing so they can track. Tried it myself, while it works, my thoughts are running so fast, writing things down only make things even crazier.
• Autistics hate lies and lying. It is not true that autistics can not lie. That is based on an old and inaccurate study. Autistics are capable of lying, we just avoid it at all costs. At the same time, we also hate lies and it affects our trust with people. Some also find identifying lies very hard but do not be mistaken, there are autistics who are good with detecting lies.

Well, I guess I'll end it here. The above things are nothing but the tip of the iceberg. Always remember that for an autistic, it has to do with inputs and processing those inputs. It is about how we think and things affect us.

So even if non-autistics experience the same traits and/or quirks, it does not mean it's the same way for autistics. For example, OCD. People with OCD are not necessarily autistics. Autistic OCD and non-autistic OCD are different and affects a person differently.

So, if someone tells you "nah, you are not autistic; all of us have autism inside", they are invalidating you (and the entire autistic people) as well as insulting you (and every autistic person). How you react to that is up to you.

You are born autistic, or you are not. It's up to you if you want to get an "official" or an "unofficial" diagnosis, or just go through a long self-diagnosis.

Whichever path you choose, know that, you are very welcome in the autistic community. If you are not autistic, you are still very much welcome as an ally.

Happy journey!

Please know that I appreciate the thought and thoroughness that you put into your comments. I’ve learned a lot and it has spurred me to learn more. You might be from the Philippines?  I used to travel a lot to Manila, and once to Cebu. I love the people and they are the best musicians in Asia. All over Asia you find Filipino musicians in bars and restaurants.