craziest "how I met your mother" stories

~SPOILERS~

"yeah, so your dad pretended to be my ex-lover, his younger brother, so he could uncover the truth behind his murder, but as it turns out I had amnesia and was being hypnotized into believing I was his brother's lover when actually I was his brother's lover's friend and the brother lover died because of my psycho biological mother, which was then covered up so my not-biological mother could pretend her was son was alive through me but younger bro discovered the truth and was murdered for it. also this somewhat unrelated serial killer was chasing us our entire courtship. normal stuff."

"okay, listen. your uncle was comatose and I had to figure out who did it for revenge, right? well, I joined his anarchist-style rebellion group and did an absolutely terrible job trying to impersonate him. BUT I did meet your father. and he was absolutely smitten with me from the get-go."

"originally, I was supposed to con your dad into falling in love with me so I could snitch him out to the police for being a murderer. yeah, yeah, your dad used to kill people. your uncle, too. in fact, your uncle was being an ass about me romancing your dad, so I had to have my crazy-ass friend romance him to distract him! yes, yes. that's how your uncles got together, too. anyways, long story short, we fell madly in love."

"yeah so I was trying to scam him out of his fortune but then I fell in love, but also his dumbass cousin fell in love with a different scammer and nearly thwarted my plans, but it's fine it all worked out both your dad and your uncle are happily married to ex-scammers."

"so, we were originally going to be step-brothers and that forced us to live in close proximity where we fell in love. then when our parents found out we were gay, they lost their minds and split up, meaning we were no longer fated to be step-brothers, just stuck with hopelessly homophobic parents that eventually sort of come around. 90% of this love story is recapped from the book because the second season got dropped. yes, I'm breaking the fourth wall here. don't worry about it."

"your dad is a sentient robot made by my rich and powerful uncle, and its not weird at all"

"so I tried to scam your father into giving me this camera he bought for his ex. unfortunately, my hetero-normative mind assumed his ex would be a girl so I had a friend pretend to be his ex-girlfriend and it failed massively. fortunately, your dad was gay as hell and fell in love me at first sight so he immediately forgave me, and we flirted over zoom calls during quarantine."

"both your dad and I accidentally traveled to a parallel universe where the only way to return home was to find your soulmate. and it literally took me two years to realize he was my soulmate. in all fairness, he refused to tell me his real name for the entire duration of those two years. unrelated, maybe, but I just wanted to point that out. and then he proposed to me with a bag of chips."

"I kept having visions of death that would happen to your father, so naturally I had to save him and he fell for my absolute charm and sincerity"

"whoa, crazy that guy over there said he was having visions of death of his lover because SAME except your dad and I were childhood enemies, we absolutely hated each other's guts or so I thought but as it turns out your dad was in love me for like 10+ years. and I was basically reborn / given a second chance by my future self to make our love succeed without any deaths. go me, I guess?"

"okay, so your dad and I were childhood friends but when my dad died we had this (one-sided) fight over money and inheritance and I basically stopped talking to him for two years. but then I saw my sister still on good terms with him, I freaked out, got us both in a car crash were we literally swapped souls and she was comatose for a while... a monk told me to go to these temples, so I (while in your auntie's body) went with your dad to collect holy water and then we made up. also your grandma was super homophobic and was the cause of our fight. she definitely had a favorite child and it was not me. no, no, I'm not mad. the whole trip healed my hot-headed nature. I'm just saying"

"how we met? oh, your dad threatened to pin me for his murder if I didn't help him. and then he hid out in my apartment for like weeks... eventually we started to get along, but then he ghosted me ONLY to show up at my high school a month later and pretend to be my math teacher? yeah, don't worry about our age gap. anyways, turns out he was a part of the mob. he ended up killing this guy who tried killing me and then I went to prison for it. on purpose! I took the fall for him. but then he faked having amnesia... I guess he wanted to fully cut his mob-ties before coming to see me. still hurt like shit when I saw him for the first time in years. my dream to be a doctor was ruined but it's alright, I pivoted to baking and I really like it. I thought my strawberry deserts would lure your dad back in. it sort of did? then he nearly died again... but we're a happy family now. clearly. we had you. this isn't a trauma dump, stop saying that."