A Few thoughts on the FL’s first relationship.

MAY CONTAIN SOME SPOILERS!!!

I had some thoughts leading up to episode 9. I was picking up on some things and by that episode, those thoughts were pretty much validated.

I knew the FL’s first relationship wouldn’t last (or else there wouldn’t be much of a story lol), so my thoughts weren’t IF they would breakup but rather, WHAT would facilitate their breakup. I was worried because usually, if a character like her ex-boyfriend starts out being a decent person, they tend to taint the character in order to justify why they are not the one for the lead. I think they did a better job side-stepping this cliche than most. They managed to have an ‘amicable’ breakup without anyone seemingly being the bad guy but I think this is only correct on the surface.

I’ve long noticed that the ex-boyfriend seemed less and less happy the more the FL was advancing. There are some men who try to ‘trap’ women into being with them before they achieve their full potential because they know they will be out of reach once they do.

Although I don’t think the ex-boyfriend’s motives are that sinister (as in calculated, controlling and hateful), it’s telling that he wanted to be the main character in her life. Not her, not being equal but HIM. This is not to say that people don’t go their separate ways if they are not compatible or if they understandably want different things in life and they didn’t know that beforehand. This is not what we are dealing with here. He knew of her ambition going in (he's voiced this countless times, showing that he does know her and her wants). He thought that the downtrodden-ness of life would curb her ambitions and he would get his ‘simple’ wife with a ‘simple’ life once she was sufficiently beaten down. This is expressed in the number of times he told her just to accept unfavourable outcomes, not to stand out too much and not to aim too high.

Note, even in his idea of a simple life he expects her not to want more but yet he has a career doing something (I’m assuming) he values. Is he planning to give this up or is he planning to simply relocate to the countryside and still be a doctor with a nice little country clinic, while she is expected to play housemaid (excuse me…inn-maid) and he cooks from time to time? Thus achieving what he wants from her and keeping what he wants for himself - making her the only one doing the sacrificing.

The idea that he’s been hoping all this time for her not to advance so that they can live the ‘simple’ life is so questionable even though I don’t think he’s doing it in a sinister way (selfish…yes, sinister….no).

Of course, there is a pot for every lid and there are men and women out there who (although I personally disagree with this kind of thinking/values), don’t mind that kind of life where a woman centres her husband/boyfriend to the detriment of herself and he is her main purpose. Although I have an issue with this concept in of itself; if it works for those people, more power to them. *Disclaimer here: this is not to be confused with couples who jointly dream of such a life. In those instances, no one is sacrificing themselves as this is both their dream.

It irked me that she apologised when she was not at all in the wrong. I know neglecting your partner for years and putting them second over your work is hurtful and would be 100% justified if the person chose to leave but that is not what happened here. By all accounts we know they had a great relationship before this stage. I’m assuming she either always put him first or he was happy enough that her light wasn’t shining yet, because they seemed really happy and content. Think about the fact that this is a new, huge, massive, potentially life changing thing for her and a reasonable person can expect that in this early stage she would be sacrificing a lot and dedicating a lot of time to it. A loving partner would actually be supportive, not falsely or begrudgingly supportive. Basically, they would be more like her friend Li Li.  I can understand that support starting to wane and feeling taken for granted if they were a year or two down the line of feeling neglected because by then things should have adjusted enough for her to be able to devote adequate time to both work and their personal life; but it’s been 3-4 months at most.

All this does is highlight that the problems the ex-boyfriend said were the problems, weren’t in fact the problem. This is why I was shocked at the honesty in episode 9 when he straight up told her, “you want to realise your value in life and I can’t jive with that because your focus won’t be me.” But it does leave a bitter taste in my mouth that she was apologising for wanting to realise her value. Is this not a basic human want? Can a woman not be anything outside of being a simple extension of a man, without it being labelled as selfish or wanting too much? He’s telling her that she hasn’t done anything wrong but both his actions, his framing and the drama’s framing is saying that she has, which is crazy if you think about it….like batshit, gaslighting crazy. Honestly, whenever I see partners saying and doing things to rewrite reality, I remember that husbands used to have their wives committed to convince them and others that they were crazy or to force a crazy reality onto them; ...but I digress.

Note that he broke up with her right before a big important event to ‘trap’ her into a certain response. When she didn’t respond the way he was expecting, look how taken aback he was. He thought she would drop everything and grovel - essentially give up everything for him, go back into her little box and limit herself once more to appease him. Ladies, not all villainy is overt, sinister and ‘evil’. Sometimes it’s the selfishness of entitlement.

 Rue__:

Agree 100%. My biggest problem with Yichen was the fact that he KNEW from the get go that she was a career woman and stayed by her side feigning support while hoping she’d meet a big enough obstacle and give up on her dreams. He isn’t the typical drama ex-boyfriend who does something outwardly shunned upon like cheating, he is a more realistic ex for our strong FL’s character. A man who stands in the way of her ambition and dreams because he wants to be the focus of her life instead. 

These types of men are always sabotaging both the women's and their own happiness. I'm only on episode 12 and I bet he'll try to get back with her later on once he sees someone else interested in her. No doubt he thought she'd come running back someday.  

Totally agree with you all.  Yichen is not supportive of ji Xing’s dreams and aspirations.  As long as she remains on par with him, he’s ok with that.  At the beginning, he’s always giving her advise when she encounters problems.  On the face of it, that looks good of him but maybe it makes him feel powerful because he is able to help her with life and career.  Later, he is unable to help.

Ji Xing  wants to be a pioneer in her field and an intrepreneur and has the capabilities and smarts to do it.  Yichen wants her life to revolve around him.  It’s the best thing for them to breakup.  He is not a bad person but he is just not suitable for her and truth to tell, cannot keep up with her, mentally and intellectually.  He is eclipsed by her and he does not like that.  She is in a class of her own.  

If they did not breakup and got married instead, I can see where sooner or later, one big conflict would derail them because he will feel inferior to her.  As he’d said, he does not want to be a backdrop which he will inevitably feel when she succeeds and people starts calling him Mr Ji.  Maybe he is already feeling this as she is already getting all the attention.    He just doesn’t have enough confidence in himself to handle her success.  He wants her life to be defined by him which demeans her.  So I’m glad they broke up so she can be with someone else more suitable

@P Lam Yup, there is no version of this where I would be ok with them staying together in the drama. I think it's the framing of this being HER fault that bothers me about his characterisation and because I know the drama will go on to show how the FL's friend is the 'perfect' match for him when she isn't either. She is not being herself. She is being who he wants in a woman and centering him in order to 'win' him since she is infatuated with him and sees him as some sort of prize. In real life, women such as this will either end up regretting it later down the line when they see that only his needs are being met or at best; they miss out on a chance at true/peak happiness with someone who doesn't need them to sacrifice themselves or adjust themselves to be 'ideal' in their eyes. 

 angeliviki2022:

Frankly, I was surprised they lasted 4 years.

I'm surprised and also not surprised as he's very adept at playing supportive and amenable. The issue of the shared dream is also a smokescreen for the real issue as nothing was stopping them from still getting married, buying a house etc. As you said, he didn't expect her to succeed and wanted their dream on his terms aka in a way that made him feel comfortable. 

Since I knew from the start that their relationship wouldn't last, it didn't shock me that there were communication problems as there had to be a building up of reasons for why they were not meant to be together. It's why it comes across as a little contrived but it's a moot point for me because he is not the main love interest. 

I guess my biggest issue with this relationship is the framing that they just aren't compatible and that's what led to the end of their relationship. I know the drama is painting it that way but that was never the real issue. The real issue is that the ex is really disingenuous and wanted her to dim her light to cater to him. 

 angeliviki2022:

I agree. He truly didn't want her focus to be on anything else other than him. Super problematic, esp. of they decide to have kids who are attention hogs (and I say this lovingly) for quite a while.

So true. 

 A.Abraham:

I'm reminded of when his father was in trouble, his mother said some troublesome things on the phone. I wouldn't even advise any lady to ther that family lol

I have thoughts on how elders speak to/talk about and treat the generations under them but that’s a discussion for another day. 

For dramaland, I side eye it but don’t hold it against them too much as there’s usually bigger fish to fry. ? IRL though, I would not be comfortable being with someone whose parent(s) does not want me with their son. In fact my personal preference is that the family has to love me but I’d settle with them just respecting me if the dude was my soulmate. lol 

 angeliviki2022:

I dealt with this IRL. Thankfully, we lived 3000 miles away so it wasn't a daily reminder. It took my MIL over a decade to say that she and I were more similar than she first imagined.

I don’t even get why MILs give daughter in laws/husband in laws a hard time since they are sabotaging their child’s happiness. I don’t get the logic/benefit behind this but I guess some in-laws only think about their happiness and preferences. It’s sad really. 

My own mother has done this to a few of my brother’s partners in the past. I had a mum of a past boyfriend (when I was in my teens) tell her son not to bring me into their house. This was due to racism but it’s that same overstepping and sabotaging of their own child. I’ve only had one adult relationship which lasted 14 years. The MIL and FIL were very warm and treated me like a daughter but when my ex partner and I went through some pretty tough circumstances, she did pull away which I found heartbreaking but I understood that she had to put her son first as he is her child; I’m not. They’re quite decent people and I still remember them fondly.