mparthur:
A clan leader is not an individual, he acts for the clan's interest. So, this is how TSJ was brought up until he went through the bad experience and met XY.
She treated him like a human being regardless of his social status. That's her best feature.
The novel basically says if you want a status, these are the sacrifices. Accept the reality or leave the status quo.
I don't disagree that a clan leader is more than an individual and has to make difficult decisions in order for the clan, and its members, to keep prospering. I still don't feel like she loved him. Maybe they had different interactions when he was a child or before he was left for dead, but it seems like he never went against her before he came back.