one of the most tender, sincere, genuine explorations of trauma in queer men
this was absolutely brilliant. incredibly profound and poignant. one of the most tender, sincere, genuine explorations of trauma in queer men.
the film perfectly encapsulates how, as mackinnon once put, in sex, “the acted upon is feminized, is the ‘girl’ regardless of sex, the actor correspondingly masculinized.” then, it follows that feminized queer men experience and compartmentalize male violence in similar ways to women, while also facing different challenges in a world where their existence is often only allowed through degradation and criminalization.
this film understands something its modern counterparts that try to tackle similar themes of gay hookup culture and “toxic” relationships very rarely get right: romanticizing violence is a trauma response. desires produced under patriarchy (and capitalism) interact with one’s positionality and relevant social capital and may manifest as desire to own, desire to harm, or desire to be owned and harmed.
ah lan repeats how the convict loves her executioner and he says, “we love you. we have no other choice.” a lot of queer men, like a lot of women, have not known love but have experienced being sexually desired. in fact, it is often the only kind of attention they receive from the people they expect to be loved and cherished by. being sexually desired and then experiencing sexual pleasure through that interaction corrupts their understanding of intimacy and “love.” like ah lan, who has been traumatized with many such interactions, one, then, starts seeking attention through danger, violence, domination. when recounting an experience of rape, ah lan says he resisted but later yielded and then he was filled with pleasure: “is it not what making love is all about?” similar to the workings of the gay conversion therapy he was exposed to at the hospital, the euphoric feeling of sexual pleasure becomes associated with violence and domination, which he cross checks with societal narratives about love, and it doesn’t seem to get challenged at all.
what i find particularly poignant about the aforementioned quote from ah lan is that he acknowledges “we have no other choice.” similar to a lot of women, a lot of gay men strive for male recognition, the legitimizers of the world and all worldly things. “we have no other choice” because it is men who have the power to define things and violence is usually the only form “love” ever arrives in from them.
i also loved the scene where ah lan is once again recounting an experience where he was abused and it goes like this: are you crazy? i love him. you’re sick. no, i’m gay. i love him. i thought this simple dialogue had quite a lot of depth as it showed ah lan’s understanding of homosexuality, at least the position he occupied in his sexual (or any) relations with men, as submissive, engaged in self-erasure, and barely human. it’s almost as if he said when you’re gay, It’s Just What Happens. this is just what “love” looks like when you’re gay.
moreso, the film is not interested in making the policeman’s repression easy to sympathize with because, at the end of the day, isn’t it that they’re suffering from the same thing? yet, their proximity to power completely changes their positionality and he gets to resort to violence whenever he cannot manage his feelings and channel it all onto ah lan’s body.
i loved how they used hands as a narrative motif that carried touch in relation to desire and longing and belonging. i also thought ah lan’s characterization was utterly interesting. incredibly imaginative yet so restrained. the self-performance was melancholic but self-assured and strong at the same time; it felt like he was deeply aware of his suffering and it felt like he was sustained by the self-performance.
i think the sad part about it all was ah lan’s desire to be loved without having any idea of what it is or what it might feel like. he spoke of love without possessing a healthy emotional language for it, without ever being allowed any room for it. true intimacy and love become impossible in the existence of such hierarchy yet the yearning to be touched emotionally remains.
women and queer people often struggle with this but if domination is the only language through which you can receive attention, and desire, and pleasure, it naturally becomes hard to distinguish love from violence, especially when you haven’t been afforded the power of defining.
the film perfectly encapsulates how, as mackinnon once put, in sex, “the acted upon is feminized, is the ‘girl’ regardless of sex, the actor correspondingly masculinized.” then, it follows that feminized queer men experience and compartmentalize male violence in similar ways to women, while also facing different challenges in a world where their existence is often only allowed through degradation and criminalization.
this film understands something its modern counterparts that try to tackle similar themes of gay hookup culture and “toxic” relationships very rarely get right: romanticizing violence is a trauma response. desires produced under patriarchy (and capitalism) interact with one’s positionality and relevant social capital and may manifest as desire to own, desire to harm, or desire to be owned and harmed.
ah lan repeats how the convict loves her executioner and he says, “we love you. we have no other choice.” a lot of queer men, like a lot of women, have not known love but have experienced being sexually desired. in fact, it is often the only kind of attention they receive from the people they expect to be loved and cherished by. being sexually desired and then experiencing sexual pleasure through that interaction corrupts their understanding of intimacy and “love.” like ah lan, who has been traumatized with many such interactions, one, then, starts seeking attention through danger, violence, domination. when recounting an experience of rape, ah lan says he resisted but later yielded and then he was filled with pleasure: “is it not what making love is all about?” similar to the workings of the gay conversion therapy he was exposed to at the hospital, the euphoric feeling of sexual pleasure becomes associated with violence and domination, which he cross checks with societal narratives about love, and it doesn’t seem to get challenged at all.
what i find particularly poignant about the aforementioned quote from ah lan is that he acknowledges “we have no other choice.” similar to a lot of women, a lot of gay men strive for male recognition, the legitimizers of the world and all worldly things. “we have no other choice” because it is men who have the power to define things and violence is usually the only form “love” ever arrives in from them.
i also loved the scene where ah lan is once again recounting an experience where he was abused and it goes like this: are you crazy? i love him. you’re sick. no, i’m gay. i love him. i thought this simple dialogue had quite a lot of depth as it showed ah lan’s understanding of homosexuality, at least the position he occupied in his sexual (or any) relations with men, as submissive, engaged in self-erasure, and barely human. it’s almost as if he said when you’re gay, It’s Just What Happens. this is just what “love” looks like when you’re gay.
moreso, the film is not interested in making the policeman’s repression easy to sympathize with because, at the end of the day, isn’t it that they’re suffering from the same thing? yet, their proximity to power completely changes their positionality and he gets to resort to violence whenever he cannot manage his feelings and channel it all onto ah lan’s body.
i loved how they used hands as a narrative motif that carried touch in relation to desire and longing and belonging. i also thought ah lan’s characterization was utterly interesting. incredibly imaginative yet so restrained. the self-performance was melancholic but self-assured and strong at the same time; it felt like he was deeply aware of his suffering and it felt like he was sustained by the self-performance.
i think the sad part about it all was ah lan’s desire to be loved without having any idea of what it is or what it might feel like. he spoke of love without possessing a healthy emotional language for it, without ever being allowed any room for it. true intimacy and love become impossible in the existence of such hierarchy yet the yearning to be touched emotionally remains.
women and queer people often struggle with this but if domination is the only language through which you can receive attention, and desire, and pleasure, it naturally becomes hard to distinguish love from violence, especially when you haven’t been afforded the power of defining.
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