The Grave Sin of Infidelity: Forgiveness or No, what should Oh-aew do?

I have so many thoughts about this series that it’s gonna take me a few days to sort it all out. I will say that Episode 5 was absolute perfection from start to finish. I’m not hyperbolic when I say it was the best ending of any show I’ve ever seen. *Chef’s kiss*

Yes, I agree as well. Watching the scene in the parking garage, I was thinking, “this is not enough…” and it wasn’t yet. Good move on the part of the writers to make Oh resistant I also liked that in the end, it was Oh who approached Teh, and Teh didn’t push him - he even looked willing to accept “let’s just be friends,” if it came to that. Great character growth for them both. 

It's interesting that some people are assuming a sexual indiscretion because of a kiss. Jai makes it pretty clear that he never slept with Teh. Anyone who misses this point needs to go back and watch 3 and 4.

@Nauriya True, but you do have to consider the matter of degree. Teh kissing someone as part of an acting exercise and letting his emotions get the better of him later is not the same as having a torrid affair with someone, especially as Teh’s feelings weren’t returned and he ended up losing everything  anyway. I really liked how Bas handled everything in the finale. When both partners haven’t moved on after a couple years, when one partner really has reflected, repented, and is truly sorry, and when both have had the time and space to grow up a bit, they can make the decision about whether to go back to each other and find out what would happen instead of wondering about what might have been for the rest of their lives. You never know unless you try. I liked that ultimately, Teh gave him space, and Teh allowed Oh to approach him. I’m the type of person who does believe in redemption and thinks people should be given second chances after they’ve had time to grow. Resentment is never healthy, and punishment for its own sake is almost never productive. One mistake should not mean a lifetime of misery. Now, that said, I wish they’d not included this plot line, but the writers handled it well, all things considered. I loved the last episode.

I didn't realize there were comments since the last time I replied was about two weeks ago and I've been so busy with work that I didn't watch the final two episodes until today. I do have some more to add:

I'm not familiar with everyone's age group and their sexual identity here, and even if you all were in your 30s and gay (like me), we might still have differing opinions.

I'm not condoning Teh's actions. But I think for the progression of his character, they were very in line with what he would do. He has always been impulsive (think back to ITSAY when he forfeited his position in the university to give it to Oh), he's obsessive about people who share his interests (we see time and time again that he is always in awe of actors and that dream he's had since childhood to be one), he is afraid of change (he doesn't want things to every change or evolve, instead he wants things to remain the same in his carved-out view), and finally he holds his feelings inside instead of expressing or exploring them (all those times in ITSAY when he couldn't express his feelings about Oh from the beginning [jealousy, lust, love]). 

In IPYTM, he starts to realize that Oh is changing, and that Oh is not the same person who he fell in love with, and now he sees a classmate who he admires show interest in him and makes him feel that spark that he had before. He was fully attracted to Jai so much so that he impulsively kisses him. Jai picks up on it, and kisses him back. Teh is afraid of change, but whether he realizes or not he is changing too, and that's where his confusion comes in. He loves Oh, but there's this new person who shares all his interests, hopes, and dreams...he decides to go for it. Even confessing his love for Jai which was sad to see because that was when he realized he was used. 

I'm married to my husband with whom I've been in a relationship for 6 years now. We've both cheated on each other at some points in our relationship and we've talked about it, resolved it, and also dealt with the pain, the remorse, the fear, and the distrust that comes when it happened. But at the end of the day, we're both humans, we both make mistakes, we both lust after other people and we can admit it's just that. Neither of us want another relationship, we just at that moment needed to get something out. We're also not in an open relationship, but I think many gay men around my age and older know that you can be intimate with another person and not want anything else from them but that. And still can maintain a relationship with the person you love.

So bringing this TedTalk back to IPYTM, lol, I just want to say that I'm not angry at Teh. I think it's natural to make mistakes and give into lust--even more so at that age when you're changing so much and you're learning so many things about yourself that you never knew. I'm glad they were able to work it out in the end. I liked to see that Oh put his foot down and finally made Teh come to terms with his mistake. I have to say that these two seasons have been my favorite Thai BL drama because it told a story about human life. I didn't feel like I was watching some farfetched story where two rich kids complain that they can't be seen together for 4 months while one of them finishes their drama, and the other finishes writing their book. Two rich kids that have multiple houses and couldn't just finish their contractual obligations and then move on from there. Two rich kids that were 5 years apart and fell in love at an awkward age with an awkward age gap.  (Yes, I'm dissing Lovely Writer). 

I like that we have a multitude of different opinions here. As a gay woman, I’d say that cheating is definitely a no-no for me; that said, women tend to want to be very monogamous, so infidelity is somewhat less common for us than for straight or  gay male couples (though it does happen). From what I’ve seen, a lot of gay male couples do tend to be more open in their relationships with various “rules” for sexual activity outside the relationship. This was one of the reasons I was a bit more open to the idea of what Teh did. Like it or not, it is rather common in the gay community. It may simply have something to do with human evolution: men, not saddled with babies, don’t have to be so picky about their partners or worried about the future; it can also contribute to greater genetic diversity and a higher birth rate, which helps the human race. Women, on the other hand, have kids to care for, as they give birth to the children. We therefore tend to look for more security and predictably in a partner, merely for survival.

That being said, I’ve met several gay couples, usually younger and from gay-friendly countries - meaning they’ve experienced adolescence when they should - that are pretty absolutist about monogamy. They want marriage, kids, no third-party drama, end of story. It all depends on the couple.

In my opinion, couples should do what they are most comfortable with, provided they communicate with their partner and protect their health and their partner’s. In IPYTM, the thing that got me most was that Teh lied. He had the chance to come clean, and he lied. Instead of working on their relationship and communicating what he was feeling, he tried to seek out connection with someone else. It was pretty clear that Oh was the kind of partner that wanted monogamy, and thus what Teh did was very hurtful. This is where problems come in: if two people want and expect different things, the relationship is doomed to fail. Ultimately what Teh realized was that what he wanted more than anything was Oh. What Oh wanted in the end was communication instead of seeking comfort elsewhere. And they both acknowledged that things might not stay the same forever. So ultimately, the ending was satisfying and realistic, which worked for me.

 I think one of the reasons that cheating caused such a storm was because infidelity is extremely common in Asia; I once went to a party in China where a man was openly being asked if he had a mistress “yet.” Women are usually the victims of infidelity, and a lot of them don’t have the means to do anything about it, given how rigidly patriarchal and sexist most Asian countries can be. Therefore, adultery is a very, very sensitive subject throughout Asia, and a lot of fans reacted badly to it. If I’d been the writers, I’d probably chosen a different nexus of conflict for that reason, but again, it IS true that this happens a lot in male relationships, and Teh and Oh handled it maturely in the end.

Mmmm…but the “cheating” really starts from deception. You can be in a monogom-ish relationship and have an encounter with someone else and not cheat, depending on what you and your romantic partner have decided on. For example, some partners will specify that they must be consulted first and approve, or that it can only happen once with this other person, etc. If you follow the rules that you and your partner agree to, then it’s not cheating because there’s been no dishonesty. But if, under those same rules, you see this other person more than once, or your primary partner did not approve/did not know about it in advance, then yes, of course it’s cheating, because you’re breaking the rules and lying. And again, that was the issue with Teh: he broke the rules and he lied. That’s why what he did was wrong. He and Oh were in a very committed, very monogamous relationship, and Teh cheated. That is absolutely wrong. However, around half of gay male couples cheat at some point or are in non-monogamous relationships - this has been confirmed in study after study (numbers vary slightly, but it tends to even out at about half - Google it). This is NOT to say that it’s impossible for gay men to be in committed, monogamous relationships; just that it is less common for them than for lesbian or heterosexual couples. I’m not judging whether or not it’s “right”; it’s just reality. It certainly wouldn’t work for me, but as long as it’s not interfering in my life, I’m not going to judge others for it if it works for them.

That being said, Teh did what he did because he and Oh were not communicating. There were problems that were breaking down the relationship already; that’s why it happened. Oh was therefore very much in the right to break up with Teh and voice his concerns about how this signaled other problems in the relationship. In the end, Oh is so, so loyal and such a committed, loving soul that I can’t see him as ever being okay with anything other than monogamy. I mean, the guy had 30+ Instagram requests and still blew them all off because he wasn’t over Teh after a year!  Teh learned a very brutal lesson about what was most important to him. In the end, he discovered that Oh was far, far, far more important to him than any stupid dalliance. They both love each other to the bone, which is why people found the scene with Jai so utterly devastating - I personally couldn’t even bear to watch it more than once, it hurt so bad!

So, in the end, I agree that cheating shouldn’t be normalized; however, how cheating is defined can vary, especially in the gay community. While, again, I wouldn’t have chosen this plot line, it is very true that it is an issue with men (both gay and straight, to be fair), and it was realistic. It was also handled in a mature, rational, respectful way. It wasn’t easy for Teh to come back. Oh ignored his messages for two years. He met Oh again, Oh walked away. He wrote a play about them, Oh walked out and then flatly rejected the idea of reuniting. Teh backed off at the wedding and let Oh come to him; he didn’t keep pushing, but let Oh make the decision. And ultimately, I think Oh decided he would rather go back and try again with this man (who had clearly learned a painful lesson and who Oh himself could not move on from) than wonder for the rest of his life what might’ve been. I think that’s a very rational, mature decision to make, and I applaud it.