Never Play With Spirit Boards in a Classroom!!!

I keep telling you, Japan, nothing good will ever come from playing around with a homemade spirit board in an empty classroom, but you never listen.

The plot centers around a young woman who is spiritually connected to her deceased mother, and her attempts to fulfill her mother's request to appease the ghosts at her old school... I don't know what else to say without spoiling the plot but just another warning- if you HAVE to play, then at least don't be condescending jerks in an obviously haunted building.

So yeah, in conclusion, there's ghost kids in the school. Incredibly mild scares happen. Much sadness for ghost kids. The end.

Read More

I Will Never Forgive You For What You Did to JJ

So.... Spoiler-Free: Girl is "sick", dad packs her up to head to the abbey for "medicine", she meets a tiny albino boy. 12 years later, goes to abbey again, meets much taller and well-built albino boy. Tragic romance ensues.

Not much else to say except that the actors did their absolute best with the material and I'm proud of all of them. Where this movie lacks is in the story. Again spoiler-free, let's just say the adults are missing ALL the logic, and are just acting like they think essential oils are going to fix everything.

I still love and support you, JJ, and will do my best to see the good in this.

Read More

Girl Dorm is One of The Movies I've Seen in My Life!

I love being the first person to review movies on here because it usually means 1 of 2 things:
1- It's a super unheard of hidden gem!!!!
2- (more likely) it's not worth paying attention to.

The first spooky thing to happen in this 90-minute "suspenseful" horror movie is at 9 minutes at 13 seconds in. Petty? Absolutely. I was promised a horror movie, bring me the actual horror, other than the way this girl does laundry. Yeesh, who taught you folding?

If you're going to advertise a horror movie, please let there be something more scary than an old mom calling MULTIPLE TIMES FOR NO REASON (as far as we know at this time).
"I hate that you're going to school so far away. Do you like your dorm?"
"I'm on the bus."
"I hate that you're on the bus so far away. What's your dorm like?"
There, just saved you several minutes of generic mom-who-cares-too-much dialogue. You're welcome.

Second Scare: 10 minutes 28 seconds. Main girl does not notice, as per the rules of horror movies. Ultimately, the entire first quarter of the movie is taken up by our girl exploring the dorm and being absolutely stunned at the twin beds, washing machine, shower stalls, and cafeteria. Riveting. She's the only person in the entire dorm which, besides being completely unbelievable, is also a massive waste of money and electricity. Why have lunch staff for ONE PERSON, and then have them say there's no food but she can have leftovers from lunch? Left over from WHAT? WHOOOOOOO?

Spoiler, obviously. But they're NOT ALONE.

Anyway, for all you insomniacs out there, add this to your playlist to save on medication, otherwise it could also have value as a teaching moment for future movie makers. Please understand that there's a reason build-up of tension does not usually run for a large part of the movie. We need to CARE about this girl, and fast, so that we have someone to cheer for. Sad to say, I think her mom should have kept her at home.

Read More

This J-Horror movie is from 2000. You have been warned.

Dear Nokia Brick, I miss you. Your glaring greenish screen was the star of this movie. Oh, yeah, and there were some Japanese schoolgirls doing dumb horror movie things. They could never take your place as the center of attention, Nokia. Never....

Serious review time:
Opening of movie- girl jumps off school building.
Next scene- we should totally perform that doomed love story play our un-alive friend wanted to do!
Hilarity ensues?

Because this is a Japanese horror movie, we already know the ghost rumors are true. We already know that mysterious new student in the back of the class is going to be a love interest/ plot point/ ex machina soon. And of course, we already know that the original doomed lovers were MURDERED!!! (probably) There is also almost always the one-sided schoolgirl crushing on her dashing male teacher, someone with trouble at home (dead or divorced parents) who seems to have the most time available to be haunted.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm just trying my best to get through this movie. The pacing makes me feel like I could have filmed another movie in this amount of time. It's 100 minutes long, and we don't get anything spooky until the close-up of sneakers at 24 minutes. Send help.

Read More

Korean adaptation of 2009 American film Nine Dead

(Puts on reviewer glasses)

So, there's 6 people who wake up in the dark, chained to pipes. Scared. It's gross and creepy, everyone's freaked out. They turn on the lights, find out it's actually a morgue, and there appears to be a 7th person. Well, now they all feel worse. Why are they all there, what is the point of all this? What do these people have in common? Why is there a massive red LED timer that keeps resetting every 15 minutes?

Anyone who's seen Nine Dead can fast forward through this to look for changes, but overall, the idea remains the same. Anyone who hasn't seen the American film should appreciate the acting and plot, at least.

Read More

Stars JJ and No Reviews Yet, Red Flag #1

Premise: Bunch of friends/ coworkers try to improve their terrible script by wandering around in a haunted forest for ideas. Why? Because Thailand. Killing ensues, etc. The stupidity of the characters transfers from funny to annoying to angering to infuriating to funny again.

Such a meta concept though, since the actual script is so... not great. The story is a bit weird, the characters do their best with the lackluster screenplay and the low-quality CGI deserves a "You Tried" award. Everyone's very cute and we don't actively want them to die, so there's that positive note, I guess.

Read More