A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs (I)

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 astonishingly small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert (preferably cake, preferably for a birthday)
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication
1 episode of illness or indisposition
Story or plot optional

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. of interaction between the leads and the side characters (but no more)
Plot and character development optional

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
Payoff optional

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized series
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pan and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Notes for Sugar Dog Life:
1. I-su-mi-kun! I-su-mi-kun!
2. Do people really check for fever by huddling their heads together?
3. Kyosuke is coded as the husband and Isumi as the wife, right? Look at the poster.
4. What on earth is a sugar dog life? Is it a Japanese idiom? Can someone enlighten me?

Note: This review also appears under Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, but with a different set of notes.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta.

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Waiting for Life

"Nothing happens. Twice." Vivien Mercier famously said this of Waiting for Godot, but as a compliment. Of Takara no Vidro, I can say: "Nothing happens. Ten times." And that is not a compliment. Godot, in the most common interpretation of the play, is supposed to be death. Here, we wait for any semblance of life.

There is one, and only one, reason to watch this show. Iwase Yoji. If you do watch it for him, I suggest doing so at 2x speed, though even then, the show will seem slower than a tortoise. But if you care at all about plot, acting, script, direction, chemistry, charm, or some insight into human life -- rather than, as the title appropriately hints at, a vitrified vision of it -- I suggest you give it a miss.

And, if you have ever wondered why Rihanna sang "Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh" in "Umb(u)rella", you might find a plausible explanation for it in Taishin. It is about the only syllable he can muster.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Eh?
DON'T SAY: Ummm...

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Happy in the End?

This is a conversation between me and my friend, Taeko. It is in two parts, the first covering Ep. 1 to 6, and the second covering Ep. 7 & 8, plus the series as a whole. As you will see, the division has proved quite useful, as the two parts really represent two different series, with what seem like two different sets of writers and directors.

PART ONE. (Ep. 1 to 6)

ME: Kimi to futari, hanauta majiri, kasanaru tabi, iro asakaya, kimi ga suki datta....
TAEKO: For god's sake, are you still singing that song?
ME: Yes. What's more, I wrote down the lyrics, decoded the Kanji, translated it, and memorised the lines.
MY HUSBAND (from the kitchen): Neeeeeeeeeerd....
TAEKO: So, Happy of the End. I feel we aren't going to disagree much on this one.
ME: No! I don't know how the last two episodes will turn out, but so far, it might be one of the best of the BLs I have ever seen.
TAEKO: Praise indeed! I am surprised at how much they were able to pack into just 6 episodes so far... Even though I feel some things have been lost in the process.
ME: Like what?
TAEKO: Chihiro, for instance... His abandonment by his whole family deserves more attention, and more justice than the show has given it. It was limited to just a few scenes, and needed far more emotional heft than that. On the other hand, you might be able to better relate to his being in love with a bisexual man than I can. Did the show come too close to suggesting, though, that bisexuals are just greedy and sleep around?
ME: No, I just think Shun'ichi is an arsehole, and deserves to be lonely forever.
TAEKO (laughing): I love it when you become catty. But Haoren's storyline -- it is very well done.
ME: Right? He might have the worst life it is possible to have in Japan. And just when you think that the show couldn't possibly go *there*, it goes there. I can't think of a taboo it hasn't touched... except, maybe, incest.
TAEKO: You never know. I'm still not sure if the guy who drops his trousers was his dad, his step-dad, or someone else.
ME: Speaking of bad daddies, or baddies... Maya!
TAEKO: Asari Yosuke is an amazing actor. As soon as he appeared on the screen, my hairs stood on end. That frog scene... Ewww.
ME: As is Kubota Yuki. Kaji is a fascinating character, because, unlike most other characters, his moral compass is not easily decipherable. He doesn't have the clarity that even Haoren has. He sends Haoren to Maya, and says something homophobic to Chihiro. He later repents of both, but it is not clear he might not do it all again. The writing could have been better in that scene, but I didn't think a BL was even capable of such subtle characterisations. Then there is also Yamanaka So as Matsuki -- another strange character. The simultaneous admixture of care and predation, of abuse and regret. His facial expressions were just superb. He convinced me in one minute why someone would *want* to be his pet.
TAEKO: But are we happy with the main actors?
ME: Beppu Yarai is a revelation for me. His eyes dance, his lips seduce, his body invites pity and sorrow. I'm less sure of Sawamura Rei.
TAEKO: I disagree. Rei was a revelation for me. You expect the hardened victim of child abuse and trauma to be this mere carapace of a human being, incapable of a smile, and incapable of hope. Haoren even declares himself to be so. But his actions belie his thought, and Rei captured that very well. And he's not this big, burly, intimidating, "blokey" bloke. His littleness and fragility are precisely what feel are subversive. Plus, you know how I love tiny tops.
ME: You're weird, you are. I still think Rei has been miscast, and, apart from Semantic Error, cannot think of the last time when an idol was good. But what about the show itself? Any reservations?
TAEKO: I found the frequent flashbacks tiresome. Especially when it was repeating the same scenes of abuse. In a short series, every second is precious. I also thought the slaps and the hitting weren't convincing. They needed better stunt coordinators. What about you? Didn't the inner monologues bother you?
ME: I could have done without them. It's a compulsive need the Japanese seem to have to rely more on the manga than on the script or the actors. But I do think that the decision to retain the basic structure of manga/BL storytelling, while trying to fit such an unusual story within it, might have been deliberate.
TAEKO: How so?
ME: Because it is jarring. The whole framework is jarring. The grammar of BL/Manga sets certain expectations for you, and their fossilised vocabularies then provoke predictable reactions to predictable events. Here, however, the grammar is there, but not the vocabulary. So, I don't necessarily feel the way I'm supposed to feel.
TAEKO: That *is* true, actually. I thought the portrayal of abuse was almost cold, clinical. And I didn't necessarily feel I needed to cry or be sad. It made me numb, which is perhaps how Haoren felt. Plus, there was no loud music to tell me how I ought to feel throughout the show.
ME: Can we talk about the music, and how good it is?
TAEKO: You're not going to start singing again, are you?
ME: No, I mean the background music. It wasn't particularly original -- there were those sustained guitar chords for the romance, and the xylophone ripples for Maya -- but it was atmospheric, and at least felt assonant with the plot.
TAEKO: You seem to like the show so much more than I do. Which is surprising. Because if anyone is a cynical arsehole between the two of us, it's you.
ME: Why, thank you. I will admit, I was quite miffed about the sex scenes.
TAEKO: Thank god! Me too. Are white blankets the new pixellation now? What was that?
ME: I agree! The loveless sex scenes were bad enough. But, when they finally make love after Haoren has disclosed his wounds -- and after we have seen a glimpse of both men's curves -- it seemed an act of criminal negligence to just throw a blanket over them. This is where they finally accept each other, their bodies, their love.
TAEKO: What made it worse for me was: after all that boldness on the streets, why the shyness between the sheets? Especially after the fleshlight scene, which was just... heartbreaking. If you can dwell long enough, and graphically enough, on scenes of abuse and violence, you can dwell enough on love. Urgh... Japan.
ME: Not limited to Japan, though, is it? In America, Red, White & Royal Blue, an innocent little gay flick, has the same rating as Django Unchained. Violence is preferable to intimacy, it seems, and straight intimacy to intimacy between men.
TAEKO: Let's not go there. But I'm happy you are so enthusiastic about a show for the first time in ages! I am less enthralled than you, but agree that this is a brilliant show.
ME: I agree. 2024 has been a dud so far. Let's hope this one picks up the slack...
MY HUSBAND (setting the table): Nerds.


PART TWO. (Ep. 7 & 8)

ME (to my husband): Take the rubbish out, will you?
TAEKO: You sound sad, my love.
ME: I am.
TAEKO: Why?
ME: That the series is over. That it made me cry a few times in the last episode. But, above all, that what I feared most still came true: a *precipitous* decline in quality in the last two episodes.
TAEKO: I hate to say this: but I did... Never mind, go on.
ME: Well, let me think: the last episode alone had the noble idiot trope, a forced separation at the train station, the nonsensical suicide of Maya -- which was completely at odds with his characterisation throughout the series -- the brief coming together of all the characters just before the ending... I mean, is that all you have to show of Kaji and Matsuki, two of the best characters in the show? The degree to which it borrowed from the BL trope kit was almost embarrassing.
TAEKO: Yet there were moments that moved you in it?
ME: Yes. Chihiro's face on the train when he realised that Haoren wasn't going to contact him. (Beppu is the saving grace of that episode.) The moment where Haoren finds him on Instagram. The recognition of his own photo at the exhibition (though it was definitely not the photo Chihiro took). The brief cut, in the last scene, where they break the fourth wall (though the direction of it was really, really awful). What did you think?
TAEKO: It all felt to me terribly rushed. I could barely keep up with all the stabbing and the running and the seaside gallivanting and the running away again and the prison time... It was exhausting. The seals were cute though. And with such logical inconsistencies as Chihiro's sudden success where he had none before (couldn't he have worked and saved up for a camera before?), and a mere three-year sentence for attempted murder, my disbelief could no longer be suspended. I'm also afraid I wasn't quite as moved as you -- nor as disappointed -- with those precious moments, because my expectations were far lower.
ME: Well, maybe I just didn't want the final episode to be a complete failure.
TAEKO: What about the penultimate episode? Did you find it just as wanting?
ME: Well, it certainly wasn't memorable. I was really terrified going in -- which is a good thing -- because I knew Maya was gunning for Chihiro, but then it all became deflated like a tyre on road pike, didn't it?
TAEKO: Oh god yes. I watched the stabbing scene with almost Buddhist serenity, though this might be because they spoiled it for us in the trailer, as they did the train scene. The whole interlude between the assault and the stabbing was so odd, and so unconvincingly domestic -- and Haoren even used the "it's all my fault" line. Did Nicholas Sparks write this part?
ME: I wish it weren't so, but you're right.
TAEKO: So, no longer among the best of the BLs?
ME: I don't think so. It did make me cry at the end, which few BLs do. But I don't know about what. If I could split it into two series, the first six would get a 9, and the last two would get a 6, which averages out to 7.5. But that still feels a bit generous.
TAEKO: Especially from you, for whom a single scene can sound the death-knell of a series.
ME: Hahaha. True. But I don't think the final episodes of HOTE were done in bad faith -- which is what pissed me off about the final scene of Cherry Magic, for example. So I'm willing to give it more of a pass. How about you?
TAEKO: I'm going to give it a 6 at best, but then, you know I'm a heartless bitch.
ME: Language!
TAEKO: Sorry.
ME: You know what makes me most sad, Taeko? Something told me this was exactly what was going to happen. I feel as if I knew it all along, not least because this is what happens whenever they squeeze a long manga into a short series. It always runs out of steam. Urgh. I hate being right.
TAEKO: Indeed, you are Cassandra, the entangler of men. Now, we need a good laugh. Shall we hate-watch something together?
ME: As it happens, I have just the thing...

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I'm addicted to you...
DON'T SAY: Don't you know that you're toxic?

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Great Tyme Continuum

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs (II)

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication, or forced separation
1 episode of illness or indisposition
Story optional

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry or sauce
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
Plot and character development optional

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
Payoff optional

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized series
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pan and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Notes for Mitsuya Sensei:
1. I have not seen two actors/characters with less chemistry and less suited for each other since Elon Musk and Grimes. It is the first BL, ever, in which I actively did not want the men to kiss.
2. Yamazaki Masayoshi is an amazing actor, and made the role of Mitsuya his own.
3. Caramel Popcorn is the new birthday cake.
4. The dog was the best thing about the show. Fight me.

Note: This review also appears under Sugar Dog Life, but with a different set of notes.

DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Sugar Dog Life, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta.

Read More

Great Tyme Continuum (With no added sultriness)

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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Freefall, or, Now My Friend Refuses to Talk to Me.

A conversation between me and a friend called Zhuang Zhou:

Part I. Episodes 1-7

ME: There’s a new Taiwanese BL in town!
ZZ: Oh? Is it about stepbrothers?


ME: Ummm…
ZZ: Let’s run through the checklist. Are the leads unusually attractive?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them poor, the other one rich?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them a taciturn grouch, and the other a happy-go-lucky pout?
ME: Wait…
ZZ: A dead mother, or an absent father?


ME: Both!
ZZ: Figures. It's 2-for-1 at McBL. Does it go from (step) sibling conflict to (step) sibling rivalry to (step) sibling love to (step) sibling banging?


ME: I don’t know about the banging, but the rest of the arc is covered.
ZZ: Is there an outing by the beach, by the river, or in an arcade?


ME: Two out of three ain’t bad.
ZZ: Being pushed against a wall? "Spin the bottle"? "Teach-you-a-lesson" kiss?
ME: Uh-huh.
ZZ: An older, supportive side gay couple?
ME: Yes. But helpfully, they have no individuality so far.
ZZ: Cameos from other TBLs?


ME: Aplenty.
ZZ: A vague attempt at creating a stock villain? But which goes nowhere?
ME: There is this kid who might fit the bill. But his only sin, as far as I can see, is wanting to be the best and popular. So, monster!
ZZ: Loud, intrusive background music? I mean, so relentless and unceasing, that it sometimes makes it hard to hear what they’re saying?


ME: Yes! Why do TBLs do this?
ZZ: Is there a timejump and a trip abroad?


ME: We aren’t there yet, but it is based on a novel, and the young people who have read it hint at both in the comments.
ZZ: Don't tell me they're going to pull another Addicted or Stay With Me on us.
ME: That's the fear.
ZZ: So tell me why I should watch it.
ME: Well, it is not without charm. The characters are in school, and they are actually shown schooling! You know, books, teachers, homework, and all that stuff which other BLs pretend don’t exist? Plus, in this world, the teenagers do have boners, which, of course, most teenage boys do all the time. (Remember what filth we entertained in our heads?) So, it is not chaste. And the leads do have great chemistry.
ZZ: Tell me why I shouldn’t.
ME: The fans might murder me for this. But the episodes are far too long for what they contain. They could have done each episode in 30 minutes or less (which the Japanese seem able to do effortlessly). I'm not sure what all those lingering shots of nothing accomplished. I love seeing the boys together. But this is not Andrei Rublev.
ZZ: It does sound like it is chock full of the tropiest tropes that ever troped.
ME: Doesn’t matter if done well, though, does it? I myself am a bit divided about the show, but on the whole, I'm rather enjoying it than not.
ZZ: Maybe I’ll give it a go. I’ll call you after it’s done.
ME: Shhhhh…. Don’t let people know we call each other! What will the teenagers on MDL think?
ZZ: Right.


Part II. Episodes 8 & 9

NOTE: ZZ has a very irascible sense of humour. His opinions are not mine :)

ZZ: I hate you.
ME: Why?
ZZ: For making me suffer through this show.
ME: Did you quit?
ZZ: Are you still watching?
ME (shyly): No...
ZZ: You do realise what you've done?
ME: What?
ZZ: You've made me want to quit Taiwanese BLs forever. After you ruined Thai BLs for me forever by recommending that pile of... Never mind.
ME: When did you quit and why?
ZZ: Fifth or sixth episode, I'm not sure.
ME: So soon?
ZZ: What was there to watch? It's every trope in the TBL book, but served half-baked and soaked in maple syrup. The boys were quite cute, yes, but they were clearly 30 playing on 17. Their roles and interactions were stale as last month's loaf. I'm fine with the step-brother trope, but tell me what was subversive about it? What was new? And it was so... slow... It wasn't building up tension. It was acting as a muscle relaxant. Which might be good for Wang, because he's clearly the bottom, but I kept falling asleep. What did you see in this?
ME: Just lots of lovely moments. Tenderness. Hope for a beautiful romance. Unlike you. Who has an iceberg for a heart.
ZZ: Which made you overlook all the bad signs posted along the way. Well, was it worth it?
ME: To be honest, I no longer know. Why couldn't they leave well enough alone? Things were good (for me) until Ep. 7. Then, at the end of Ep. 8, the boys move in together, and what should have been a beautiful moment was ruined by such an awful loud soundtrack that I thought, this has all the subtlety of a hangnail. It was a bad sign. Then Ep. 9 came and... I needed to be put out of my misery.
ZZ: What happened?
ME: Oh, ZeeZee. It was baaaaaad... an absurd kidnapping plot, strange bisexual love triangles between teachers without any palpable tension, students mooning their teachers, 25 minutes of a school sports day... IBS would look at that episode and say, that's bloated. I couldn't go on. But I hear that there was a bandit in the 10th episode, who provides the only possible excuse for our boys to finally sleep in the same bed together.
ZZ: Because you know... Wang, despite his build, is always as helpless and maladroit as if he's about to walk on a banana peel...
ME: Yes. The poor thing kept spraining his ankles. Despite fighting off thugs three episodes earlier, he's still afraid of sleeping alone with all that banditry.
ZZ: I told you. This is BL by the numbers. Why won't anyone listen to me? Have you been spoiled the ending? Was I right to predict a time-jump and a forced separation?
ME: It seems so. Which is why I quit. Either they will have to get precipitously to a happy ending, or, they'll do a cliff-hanger and wait for a second season. I'm not sure I wanted to stay for either. Do you think I should have?
ZZ: I don't know, and I don't care... I'm going to go sink in my bed like a hippopotamus and stuff myself with a Victoria sponge cake.
ME: Very sensible.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: You're the On1y One for me.
DON'T SAY: I am the One & On1y... BL plot.

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Ten short sermons on how (not) to write (a BL)

1. If you're going to write a show where music is the main theme, the characters' fingers must at least touch the instruments convincingly. A few piano lessons (or guitar lessons) will go a long way.

2. A show about music must be, well, musical. No amount of autotuning, or a liberal sprinkling of English words, can conceal a fundamental want of talent.

3. A rock star -- even a grieving washed-up rock star -- is allowed to age without unkempt unshampooed undeloused hair. It is unforgiveable to make Charles Tu look that ugly. Even more unforgivable to use a wig that looks like it was the sole survivor of a tornado that had ripped through a FujoCon.

4. Bowl cuts are not markers of youth. Anymore than manbuns are markers of midlife crises.

5. Still on the subject of hair, are blonde mullets a thing now? Does anyone find them attractive? Orca, if you want to know why Reese is resisting, just look in the mirror.

6. Reese, my love, are you alright? You know you *can* bang that man, the one who thought it fit to add blonde extensions to his otherwise perfect hair, a stray strand of which, for the billionth time in BL, you felt the need to tenderly push away while he was asleep. (Sea, you did this too! In the same episode!) I know that blindness caused by a lock of hair is endemic to BL, and often fatal. But Reese, if you can tolerate that mullet, you must truly be in love. You do you.

7. If you're going to have more than a few supporting characters in a story, give them more individuality than a side-couple with no dramatic interest, a straight pair who are just supportive friends, and a dead brother whose main purpose is to be dead.

8. People don't need loud background music to tell them how they should feel. People know how to feel -- assuming that the actors and the script are any good. In a show where music is the main theme, it's just self-defeating.

9. Sassy secretaries are awesome. Use them more. (Meg Stalter is one of the best things about Hacks.)

10. Don't worry about age-gaps or height-gaps. They are beloved for a reason. However, be subversive. Make the short twink the top, and the tall washed-up rock star the bottom. Then get a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the pandaemonium that follows. (But please don't save that bowl for another haircut.)

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: If music be the food of love...
DON'T SAY: Play on.

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Hardly hearing

The following conversation took place this week between me (a gay man) and a friend of mine (a straight woman who’s hard of hearing). We sometimes watch BLs together. (Note: This conversation was first posted on Reddit, but felt more appropriate here.)

ME: So, what do you think (of Hidamari)?

SHE: What do *I* think? With all this praise from everyone, everywhere, all at once, you’d think this was the second coming of Christ!

ME: Tell me about it. I think there has been a sprinkling of healthy scepticism on Reddit, but it’s out and out war on the pages of MDL.

SHE: Let me guess. Between those who think it’s a disability drama, and those who think it’s BL?

ME: Bingo!

SHE: Are there any who think it’s bad at both?

ME: Ummm… you?

SHE: Bingo!

ME: There is also that other, internecine war on MDL: between the mostly young, mostly female population who want a chaste, aching BL, and the older gays who, understandably, don’t want the sex erased from homosexuality.

SHE: Well, you know whose side I am on.

ME: Mine, I hope. Anyway, do spill the tea.

SHE: As you know, I don’t think art needs to be representational at all. It is not anyone’s duty to represent anything. But, insofar as people think that this show ‘represents’ disability, it is a miserable failure. Not least because it is primarily a plot device, whose purpose is to sow misunderstanding and miscommunication between our boys. As if Japanese characters don’t do enough of that to themselves already. Apparently, deaf people can’t communicate because… well… they can’t hear well. Get it? How original! Have you ever known me to be non-communicative?

ME: If only.

SHE: Might I remind you that you gave me your number? Anyway, I know I'm oversimplifying matters... but not that much. The idea that people hard of hearing cannot reach out, or do not reach out, out of fear, failure of confidence, or low self-esteem, is just so old and tired, I'm quite sick of it. Our lives are richer than that. There is nothing we want more than be part of the world, and we are often better communicators for it. I don't know if Kohei's syndrome was more cultural or physiological, but either way, he made me quite angry with all that self-pity. A highly unattractive trait in a man. At least Taichi brought a measure of joy and innocence into the drama -- and Kobayashi is an amazing actor -- but soon I grew weary of his naïveté too. He's so dense that even light would bend around him. I was patient enough of all this for the first few episodes, but then they brought in Maya...

ME: Who, by the way, has a lot of defenders.

SHE: Of course she does. Another straight, evil woman who comes in between the boys in a BL? It's revolutionary, I tell you.

ME: She transcends that trope, apparently...

SHE: By, let me guess, being deaf and having a sad past? Yay! Deaf people can be evil too! I feel seen! That’s true representation! Trope? What trope?

ME: I get it. I get it. Also, it's not as if either of us are against tropes, when done well. I seem to remember you did love Heart and Li Ming in Moonlight Chicken.

SHE: Oh, that was wonderful. I was swooning over them, and wondering where the fuck was my Li Ming. Was it good “representation”? No. (Let's face it, nor is Hidamari.) Was it “realistic”? No. (Again, nor is Hidamari.) But was it full of joy? Yes! Was it full of chemistry and sensuality and longing? Yes. Did it show that deaf people can be fun and joyous too and want rampant sex and can make fun of ourselves? Yes, yes, yes. It didn’t even have a proper kiss, and yet managed to be so full of physicality. Which emotionally starved fuck-up wrote this script?

ME: I’d rather not go into it.

SHE: Was the person who wrote the manga hard-of-hearing?

ME: I don’t know. I didn't think it mattered.

SHE: Good. Better that way. Because if I found out that they were, I might be tempted to cut them some slack, and I don't want to. I want to preserve my unrighteous indignation.

ME: When did you first become suspicious that the show was going to be a damp squib?

SHE: Shall we say it together?

BOTH: The kiss!

ME: Yes!

SHE: What a cop off!

ME: People tried to justify it, you know. Everywhere. The pearl-clutchers came up with all sorts of explanations. I just couldn’t accept it. At all. This is 20-fucking-24! It smelt too much of cowardice to me. If not institutional homophobia.

SHE: Thank god I can still smell.

ME: Indeed, and my tastebuds are thankful for it. But yes, it was a symbol, a symbol of oncoming failure of imagination, a lack of daring. I knew at that point that they were going to take the easy way out. I mean, the show had so many good things at the beginning. The set-up, the acting, the natural fluidity of presence between Kohei and Taichi. What happened?

SHE: Multitasking never works. Trust me. Not even for women. The show was vacillating from theme to theme, character to character, without knowing what it wanted to say, or show. In other words, the definition of a bad script, which no acting, however good, can redeem. It had no focus.

ME: And the focus should have been on love.

SHE: Yes. Why else are we here?

ME: You mean on earth, or in the BL world?

SHE: What’s the difference?

ME: I’m going to block you now.

SHE: Don’t. Then I have to talk to my husband. I'm just saying that if they wanted to marry the idea of love and hardness-of-hearing, they shouldn't have resorted to such cheap tricks as introducing Maya, or just make misunderstanding the whole machinery of the show. I could practically hear the plot creaking. Ironically...

ME: No wonder you bought me lube for my last birthday. When did you throw in the towel then?

SHE: An episode or two after Maya came in. You?

ME: The episode where Maya came in.

SHE: You quit sooner? That almost never happens!

ME: Yes, but I have been keeping up with discussions on MDL — you know I’m a masochist — and Reddit, and it has been going exactly where I thought it would go. I knew the romance would disappear, I knew that there would be no further intimacy, I knew that Maya would occupy too much time… it all came true. I have developed a sixth sense for turgid BLs.

SHE: And you call me harsh.

ME: I'll do one better and call the ending now. There will be a time-jump, there will be another almost near-miss, there will be an “I’ve loved you all along” realisation, and then the worst bad-angle, fish-eyed kiss imaginable. You know, with the kind of chemistry that causes asphyxiation? Or death by proptosis? That is, of course, if there is a kiss at all. Maybe they'll end it with a low-five.

SHE: What is a low-five?

ME: Where they just hug, or briefly hold hands, and as soon as their hands move downwards, they go: Ewww... gay.

SHE: I've taught you well. And I bet they’ll try to redeem Maya too.

ME: Like Tong in whatchamacallit.

SHE: My Stand-in?

ME: Sorry, I’m too busy.

SHE: What are you watching now?

ME: Happy of the End. Terrible title, but it is sooo good! I'm hoping it will redeem JBL for me this year. You?

SHE: 4Minutes, mainly to see Fuaiz being a power-bottom. I'm hoping that, in the finale, he'll be railed to death by Win and Korn, and maybe have a Great Tyme too.

ME: I’m still waiting for a Thai power couple named Gang & Bang.

SHE: One can only hope. On which note…


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: What's your love language?
DON'T SAY: What's love in sign language?

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