nathsketch:
Someone mentioned this mother aspect a while back. Same thing at the beginning of the story, back at the clinic. She sort of needs people to take care of.
XY mentions in the novel that she didn't collect her companions at the clinic out of kindness, but rather to surround herself with people who were weaker than her because she felt that those people wouldn't be able to abandon her.
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The Yellow Emperor ignored her barb and suddenly said “Pick a good husband! Before I die I can guarantee that you can marry any man you want.” He wanted to make sure Xiao Yao was happy.
The Yellow Emperor’s conversation jumped topics so abruptly Xiao Yao was stunned and suddenly she felt this tenderness in her heart. No matter how much she blamed him, he was still her grandfather.
Xiao Yao controlled her conflicted emotions and asked with a goofy smile “Anyone I want? Even someone who is already engaged? Even someone who is your enemy?”
The Yellow Emperor stared at Xiao Yao. “What kind of man do you want?” The Yellow Emperor did not come from a noble or imperial birth right or received such an education, he was born in an ordinary family so when conversing with him, he was much more blunt than the Grand Emperor.
This bold topic would have made any young girl blush but Xiao Yao. She really thought about it and said, “Before I came of age I was already pretending to be a man. When young ladies are just noticing guys I was trying to just survive. I was alone for so long that really I just wanted someone to keep me company. Not someone I want to marry – I want someone I can live with, share happiness and sorrow with, fight and make up, I just don’t want to talk to myself anymore. But I’m scared because think about it, my own grandfather, mom, dad, they all abandoned me before. How can I trust someone won’t abandon me? I took in lonely elders and orphans because I know they need me so they won’t abandon me.”
Xiao Yao chuckled. “People think I am kind but really I’m just weak. When I’m with those who are weaker than me, I feel like I am in control and am needed so I won’t be abandoned. That is when I feel safe.”
The Yellow Emperor rested on the pallet and stared at Xiao Yao.
She continued “When I became a girl again, I thought marrying is so far away and never thought about it. But I know I’m scared of a man like you. In your heart, there will always be choices that are more important than the woman you love.”
The Yellow Emperor was expressionless and he said, “Men like me are not suited to be husbands.”
Xiao Yao slowly said, “I am too afraid of having and losing, so I would rather not have at all. Unless there is a man who, no matter faced with any choice, will always pick me first, who will never abandon me no matter what reason, then I will be willing to spend the rest of my life with him.”
The Yellow Emperor said, “That’s very hard.”
Xiao Yao smiled. “I know it’s hard which is why I don’t think about any man. I’m too scared of falling in and not being able to save myself…..” Xiao Yao sighed. “Even if I have a bit of stirring, I do my best to rein it in.”
The Yellow Emperor said “The question you just asked me, there is actually an answer and you know what it is. If he picked another woman, that means you are not his first choice. If he chose to be the enemy of Zhuan Xu or myself, then it means you are not most important to him and he can give you up.”
Xiao Yao’s heart was jumbled and she sat with her arms around her knees and stared at the mulberry forest.