Xiang Liu and Xiao Yao’s Story and Romance

 solarlunareclipse:

The reader asked if TH was completely exasperated by a certain character's stubbornness or ideas. She replied, "Not in LYF. The characters in this story have all been through a lot and are very insightful." Taking both the question and the answer into account, I interpret TH's response to mean she doesn't believe any of her characters are exasperating or needlessly stubborn. She also respects the insightfulness/perceptiveness of her characters. You're right that insightful/perceptive doesn't exactly mean "logical" or "smart". However, it doesn't make sense to me to describe someone as "insightful but illogical," "insightful but stupid" makes even less sense.

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but your first post seemed to argue that XY's actions are not stupid or illogical or exasperating or impulsive and she thinks carefully about everyone before acting.  And if we find XY any of those things, it's because we didn't understand her motivations.  And your proof for this argument is that Tong Hua said XY (and all the characters) is insightful / clever and developed with motivations -- in a question about writers block and writing difficult characters.

First, I don't think being insightful excludes you from making stupid, illogical, exasperating, impulsive or selfish actions.

Second, I don't think Tong Hua's response has anything to do with whether XY's actions are any of those things.  It's a writing question, where Tong Hua basically is saying the characters are well developed, with clear motivations, that are mostly self aware on some level -- so they don't cause writing problems.

And of course, this isn't entirely true, cause we also had Tong Hua saying that she tried a few times to write a different ending for Xiang Liu, but couldn't find a way to do it.  He literally was an exasperating, stubborn character whose ideas kept her from writing what she wanted to.  But that's a diversion.

 solarlunareclipse:

Moreover, I am personally exasperated by illogical or stupid characters. Maybe I'm projecting, but I would think TH would be too--so her implying that she isn't exasperated by her characters would also seem to imply that the characters are not illogical or stupid.

All the characters can't be logical or smart or insightful all the time.  Characters make mistakes and do stupid and illogical things, but that doesn't mean they are always stupid.  There's no logical reason for XL to die with his men.  There's no logical reason for XY to cling to the disappointment that is Jing.

But there are motivations for those characters' actions.

 solarlunareclipse:

I would have a hard time labeling someone as perceptive or insightful if they didn't carefully consider the impact of their actions on others and only thought of themselves.

 XY may have enough insight to understand the rest of the Tushan family, but she has zero compassion or consideration for any of them, including Jing, and stupidly contributes to the tragedy of all of them in pursuit of her selfish fantasy, without consideration for even her own health or CX or XL.

And don't get me started on how XY treats XL, despite her insightfulness, and ends up robbing both of them.

Plus, XY tends to ignore or hide from her insights and perceptions, and often lets her fears overcome her compassion.  Lets remember, she left Jing to die when she first found him all beaten up, for a day or two.

 solarlunareclipse:

In my opinion, someone can have psychological deficiencies AND be insightful.

I agree.

 solarlunareclipse:

@霖宝II: 您在写作过程中遇到过写着写着写不下去, 或者自己被小说里某个人物的固执或者想法气的要命的现象吗?
Reader: Have you ever encountered writer's block during the writing process, or have you ever been completely exasperated by a certain character's stubbornness or ideas in the novel?

桐华tonghua: 长相思没有, 这个故事里的人都经历了很多事, 都活得很剔透。不过别的故事里, 好像有。
Tong Hua: Not in "Lost You Forever." The characters in this story have all been through a lot and are very insightful. However, it seems like this exists in other stories.

剔透 can mean being transparent. It can also be used to describe a person who is intelligent and astute.

However, when used in the context of how the person lived 活得, I believe it should refer to "living transparently", living with integrity, clarity of heart, without betraying their own principles, without any hidden agendas.

As such, my interpretation of the interview would be as follows:

@霖宝II: 您在写作过程中遇到过写着写着写不下去, 或者自己被小说里某个人物的固执或者想法气的要命的现象吗?
桐华tonghua: 长相思没有, 这个故事里的人都经历了很多事, 都活得很剔透。不过别的故事里, 好像有。

霖宝II: During the writing process, have you ever encountered a situation where you could not continue writing, or you were infuriated by the stubbornness or views/beliefs of any particular character in the novel?
Tong Hua: Not in "Lost You Forever." The characters in this story have all been through a lot, and have all lived their lives with extreme clarity and integrity. However, it seems that [such a situation] did happen in other stories.

 liddi:

However, when used in the context of how the person lived 活得, I believe it should refer to "living transparently", living with integrity, clarity of heart, without betraying their own principles, without any hidden agendas.

Thanks for the clarification liddi. This could mean that TH just gave a very politically correct answer about her characters not causing her writers block or infuriating her because they were well-developed.

 liddi:

have all lived their lives with extreme clarity and integrity

I would infer this to mean that the characters actions should be logically consistent with their character design. Of course, it's difficult to figure out what the character design is, especially since a character's priorities and outlook will change throughout the novel.

About TH saying that XY's choices were motivated by her past traumas, I personally believe that this statement refers to Jing only, as in chosing Jing as her companion and not as chosing Jing over XL, because the way I see it XL never gave XY the option to choose him. You can say she chose Jing over Feng Long or she chose Jing over CX, but XL was a different story and that's obvious by what yellow emperor told us repeatedly whenever the discussion hinted to XL, that XY is very similar to her mother, as opposed to her being very different than her mother when it comes to Jing. 

 Her past traumas didn't allow her to fight for what she wants and she would rather sit and wait for the other to do all the work and while that's what she did in her relationship to jing, her relationship with XL defetead the norm IMO . XY waited for jing to send her the plum wine, while she  kept sending XL poisons. XY never warned Jing about FYY's dangerous intends, yet she kept protecting XL regardless of her own family. When Bei came to see her in the bedroom scene, she wasn't even  interested in what could he have possible done to get himself hurt, she was fast to help him and cover up for him not knowing the reason of his wounds and makes no difference if she knew Bei is XL or not, because both of them targeted CX in the past. She never actively fight for Jing, yet she made a crystal ball for XL, she runnaway from her wedding turning her back to everyone for XL, she helped CX with whatever he needed and never asked him for anything, yet her first and last request was to spare XL's life. A very different dynamic than her relationship to Jing. 

Xiao Yao's Journey Up to the Gifting of the Crystal Globe

Tracing Xiao Yao's emotions and thoughts leading up to the gifting of the crystal globe has been an interesting process. 

Even as far back as Vol 2 Ch6 (Chapter 23), after Left Ear won his freedom, Xiao Yao fervently wished she had been the one to save Xiang Liu when he escaped from the death match arena, and allowed him to live his life only as Fangfeng Bei. The drama elaborates further on what she meant - to lead a life that was unfettered and free, not beholden to anyone 

Bei snapped his fingers near her ear. “He has long gone, why are you still lost in thought? Let’s go!”

As she walked, Xiao Yao said, “I was thinking how good it would have been had I been the one who saved you when you escaped the death match arena! If that were the case, I would have let you only be Fangfeng Bei! I really wish I could have been born a few hundred years earlier, I would definitely have gone to the death arena to find you…”

Bei stopped and stared at Xiao Yao.

Xiao Yao turned to look at him. Their eyes were shrouded in deep shadows as they held back words that sprung to their lips.

-- Vol 2 Ch6  (Chapter 23)

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XY: If I had saved you, I would only let you be Fangfeng Bei, a free Fangfeng Bei. Not owing anyone a debt of gratitude, not owing anyone a debt of kindness, Bearing no responsibility, no principles of righteousness, no duty.

-- S1 Ep34

During the ocean date after Jing's marriage followed by Cang Xuan's, she consciously freed herself from the 15-year promise she made, one of the reasons she refused to kiss him back then, and slowly opened herself up to acknowledging her feelings for Xiang Liu, with her memories of everything they shared during the 37 years, the significance of the seashell and the restful sleep and happy dream she had. She longed for an idyllic life like this stolen day, and to explore the uncharted islands, but Xiang Liu never responded, once again dashing her hopes. The drama handles this scene differently, with him directly rejecting to bring her, for which she snarks back at him :

Back then it was because of her promise to Jing, but now things had changed and Jing was already married. Why should she suffer and put her own life at risk…. Xiao Yao made her decision and pulled Xiang Liu’s hand, using his strength to propel her towards him.

Xiang Liu stood in the water and smiled at her. A little embarrassed and frustrated, Xiao Yao lowered her eyes, not daring to look directly at him.
:
Xiao Yao did not move, looking reluctantly at the ocean. If it was possible, she really wanted to spend her whole life roaming freely like this.

“Xiao Yao?” Xiang Liu walked up to her.

Looking up at him, Xiao Yao said with a smile, “Don’t you feel that today is like a stolen day? Living in the present with no tomorrow!”

Xiang Liu was stunned for a moment and did not answer.
:
“Some islands are barren without even a blade of glass, others as beautiful as a dreamscape.”

Xiao Yao sighed, “I really want to go see.”

Xiang Liu remained silent, then suddenly let out a clear whistle. A white condor arrived and he vaulted on its back. Xiao Yao had no choice but to stand up and climb on.

-- Vol 2 Ch9  (Chapter 26)

********************

XY: I really want to go see.
XL: You find someone else. I won't be accompanying you.
XY: I also won't want to find someone annoying to go sightseeing with me.

-- S1 Ep37

If she had any doubts about how Xiang Liu felt, finding out the name of the poisonous bug that they shared would have given her reason to wonder if he loved her too. Along with that realisation came despair because neither could choose their birth, and she had no control over his death. So it was telling that Cang Xuan's words about controlling everything in between birth and death resonated with her, and would have planted the seeds in her mind to take her fate in her hands for once.

Xiao Yao watched until Shé Mei Er’s figure was gone from sight and she turned to look East where Qingshui Town was, and beyond that, where the vast ocean laid. Xiao Yao murmured, “Lover’s Bug?”

With too many thoughts swirling in her mind, Xiao Yao sent Shan Hu and Miao Pu back first while she walked up the mountain path alone, slowly climbing up to Zi Jin Summit.

She started climbing at noon, and it was evening before she laid eyes on Zi Jin Palace.

Seeing the looming grandeur of the Palace, Xiao Yao suddenly felt extremely fatigued, so fatigued she might shatter. She wearily sat down on a stone step.

The mountain breeze was quite strong and she started to get cold but Xiao Yao still did not want to move. Instead, she continued to stare blankly at the falling leaves in the afterglow of the setting sun.
:
“Birth! Death! We can’t control our own birth and can’t control our own death. Sometimes when I think about it, if we can’t even control these two major events, what was the point of thinking or fighting over anything else? It really feels so pointless!”

Cang Xuan chuckled. “Silly, can’t you look at it from another perspective? It’s precisely because we cannot control birth and death, that we should strive to control everything else so that everything between birth and death fully belongs to us. For example, you’re unhappy right now so I have decided that no matter what, I will find a way to make you happy again.”

Because of the last words Cang Xuan said, everything was meaningful once more. There was a hint of laughter in Xiao Yao’s eyes but she deliberately put on a stern face and said, “Fine, you make me laugh then!”

-- Vol 2 Ch9  (Chapter 26)

She went on to dream about dark haired Fangfeng Bei to whom she swam towards, who then transformed into white haired, forbidding Xiang Liu who pushed her away, and the despair woke her up, drenched in tears. 

Fangfeng Bei appeared on the surface of the ocean. He sat in the white seashell, smiling at her, his jet-black hair fluttering in the sea breeze. Xiao Yao swam towards him but suddenly, his hair gradually turned white and he became Xiang Liu, coldly staring at her.

White seashell, white Xiang Liu, they were like icebergs floating on the ocean.

Dark haired him, white haired him, sometimes near, sometimes distant... Xiao Yao suddenly turned and swam towards shore, tears flowing down her face as she swam...

Xiao Yao woke up from the dream with a start, and felt cold dampness on her pillow. Touching her cheek, she then realised that it was actually drenched in tears.

-- Vol 2 Ch10  (Chapter 27)

When Feng Long proposed to her,  she described the two men she was willing to marry, but the one who could marry her, would not do so. Why? Because he would not allow her into his life, and refused to enter her world:

Xiao Yao said, “I have no regrets. I have been wandering since I was a child. Although I appear to be carefree, drifting with the tide, I am actually very weary of wandering, and want to stop. However, the people I meet - the one who is willing is powerless, while the one who is able to is unwilling. Only you are willing to give me a safe harbour for me to stop and settle down. Thank you!”

-- Vol 2 Ch11  (Chapter 28)

Later, recalling her days at Qingshui Town, when the only hardship in her life was Xiang Liu, she teared up. It is telling that when she described her life back then, the real change occurred not because of Shi Qi, but Xiang Liu. Her routine that had gone on for 20-30 years did not change because of Shi Qi, but because of Xiang Liu's presence. And that was the life she missed terribly but was beyond her reach:

As she leaned against the railing and gazed at the stars, Xiao Yao suddenly remembered the days in Qingshui Town, the countless sizzling hot summer nights they spent sitting on bamboo mats to cool off; Lao Mu, Ma Zi, Chuan Zi chattering away; Shi Qi sitting silently by her side; her gnawing on a duck neck while drinking green plum wine, enjoying herself.

Back then, the only hardship in life was Xiang Liu.

The days in Qingshui Town were so far away, way beyond her reach, but remained vivid in her memories. Xiao Yao could not help the tears that welled up in her eyes.

-- Vol 2 Ch11  (Chapter 28)

However, her conversation with the Xuan Yuan king after his abdication appeared to be a turning point in her mindset, with the possibility that perhaps she might have a chance at happiness if she was willing to take a step back instead of insisting on her stance:

The Xuan Yuan king seemed indifferent as if he did not care whether Xiao Yao or Cang Xuan came to visit or not, but one time after A Nian walked Cang Xuan out, the Xuan Yuan king stared at Xiao Yao’s profile and said, “Many years ago when your grandmother was still alive, one evening I snuck through the secret passageway to Zhao Yun Court and saw you swinging on the swing under the poinciana tree…..”

Xiao Yao turned around, looking at the Xuan Yuan king in surprise, and she could not bear to see the sadness in his eyes.

“I hid outside the window, watching all of you gathered around A Xie’s side, taking good care of her. At the moment, I thought that I would own the entire world one day but would die alone. Who could have imagined that the day would come when I would have grandchildren gathered happily by my side.”

If the Xuan Yuan king had continued to cling on to power, most likely he would truly have died alone in power. Xiao Yao said, “Although you chose to relinquish power to fulfil your heart’s desire, you have also granted Cang Xuan’s wish.”

“When I was young, I was highly spirited, unwilling to compromise for what I thought was very important. Only afterwards with the passing of time, did I realise that I was wrong, but it was already too late.” The Xuan Yuan king looked at Xiao Yao, speaking earnestly and solemnly, “Xiao Yao, you must remember that sometimes, taking a step back does not necessarily mean losing.”

Xiao Yao sprawled on the window sill without saying a word.

-- Vol 2 Ch12  (Chapter 29)

Later, the astute old Xuan Yuan king had an inkling of where her heart truly laid, and in turn had Cang Xuan do his best to get Xiang Liu to swear fealty to Xuan Yuan, to try and ensure her happiness.

Casually, Xiao Yao said, “It is precisely because of you and Cang Xuan that I dare not be impetuous and do what I want. I am destined to be constrained by my bloodline, so why should I deceive myself and others? If I were to go and play with Xiang Liu right now, would you agree?”

The Xuan Yuan king fell silent, complex emotions written on his expression. After some time, he replied, “I would not agree. It is only a matter of time before Cang Xuan engages him in a decisive battle to the death. I do not wish for you to suffer in the future. However, I will do my utmost to fulfil any of your other requests.”

*******************

“See if you can find a way to persuade Xiang Liu to swear fealty to us. I know it is extremely difficult. Over the past hundreds of years, Qing, Luo Jia, De Yan, and even Little Yan Zhuan, they have all tried and were turned down by Xiang Liu. But I wish for you to try nonetheless.”

“Yes.” Cang Xuan hesitated for a moment then asked, “Why does Grandfather have your sights set on Xiang Liu?”

The Xuan Yuan king said, “Just a little regret on the part of a miserable old man.”

Seeing the Xuan Yuan king had no intention of elaborating, Cang Xuan did not press any further. “I will do my best but I think there is very little hope.”

The Xuan Yuan king sighed, “Do your best, and leave the rest to the will of the Heavens!”

-- Vol 2 Ch12  (Chapter 29)

This is followed by her encounter with Fangfeng Bei at the gambling den, followed by the dinner at the old Lirong donkey meat seller's, and the loaded questions she asked him, which he refused to respond - regarding the unsuitability of the lover's bug, the inability to forget a person for a lifetime, whether she should not marry Feng Long, and finally her self-mockery for even hoping that she mattered to him. Add to it her own keen realisation that her time with him was becoming less and less. 

From here on, Xiao Yao began losing interest in everything, often lost in thought or in a daze. When at last she confided in Cang Xuan about her pain over the lost past, she mentioned Jing in Qingshui Town, and her childhood with Cang Xuan, but she kept Xiang Liu firmly hidden within her heart, not breathing a word to Cang Xuan to whom she could confide almost everything. Cang Xuan's words however, gave her a sliver of hope, even as she said that she would never be fortunate enough to have good things happen to her.

Xiao Yao finally spoke, “Since breaking up with Jing, my heart has been aching and I can’t sleep well but I don’t think it’s a big deal and feel that everything is normal. However, since you ascended the throne, I do not know why but I suddenly feel exhausted and uninterested in anything. Without the pressure to get up and work hard the next day, I sleep even worse at night. I often think of the days I spent with Jing in Qingshui Town, and I also recall our childhood together at Zhao Yun Court. I love those times, but I do not like dwelling on the past. No matter how wonderful the past was, it is gone now. I cannot understand why I am so weak and useless. I don't like who I am now...”
:
“What you have today will make up for what you lost before. The happiness now will cover the pain of the past. I can’t forgive my mother but because you are by my side, all the pain of losing her has already been smoothed out and covered over.”

Xiao Yao silently thought about it and forced a smile, “Are you encouraging me to find a new lover?”

Cang Xuan said, “I just hope there is a person out there who can heal the pain Jing left on you. That you can believe you are valued, you are cherished, you are adored, you are someone he can never ever let go of.”

Tears welled up in Xiao Yao’s eyes and she murmured, “I have always been quite unlucky. Such good things, I no longer dare to hope for anymore.”

Cang Xuan said in a low voice, “It’s there, Xiao Yao, it’s there.”

-- Vol 2 Ch12  (Chapter 29)

From here on, sometime during the first three years of Cang Xuan's reign, she began the creation of the crystal globe. What prompted this? I believe it is due to an amalgamation of everything leading up to that point - her grandfather's advice for her that sometimes happiness can be attained by giving in; the hope that the very name of the poisonous bug she shared with Xiang Liu meant that he loved her too despite his resolute refusal to respond to any of her questions; summoning the courage for once to reach out and grasp what she wanted in between what she could not (birth and death); the keen realisation that time was slowly running out for her and Xiang Liu, and if she did not do anything now, she might not have a chance to do so. Xiang Liu's refusal to respond when she tested him once more by asking him to go to Bai Li with her and have the bug removed was an added layer of hope that perhaps, perhaps like her, he too was unwilling to remove their bond. 

Throughout this time, she continued to suffer the pain in her heart. She too, had not seen Xiang Liu again after their parting outside Little Yan Zhuan's residence. However, he was never far away in her heart and mind, even in her darkest times, which comforted her greatly:

All these years, in countless dark, silent nights when the pain was unbearable, knowing someone was undergoing the same thing and she was not enduring it all alone, it made her feel like he had always been right there accompanying her, and it comforted her a lot.

She once included a message among the poison that she sent, apologising for disturbing him, and reminding him to go to Bai Li together with her when he had time, but Xiang Liu never replied. Having brought it up once, Xiao Yao did not have the courage to mention it a second time.

-- Vol 2 Ch13  (Chapter 30)

However, she continued to miss him. Following her return to Shen Nong mountain after the 13 months at Ying Province, she remained languid and listless, refusing to go out because of all the memories around her, happy times she shared with Fangfeng Bei. The only joy she found was in making poisons, until her grandfather's unwitting remark took even that joy away, reminding her that even the possibility of being with Fangfeng Bei was slowly coming to an end:

Cang Xuan said Shen Nong Mountain was the same as Five Deities Mountain but that was not true. There were no memories on Five Deities Mountain but Shen Nong Mountain, Zhi Yi, Ze Province were all replete with memories. No matter where one went, one would be reminded of the past.

Xiao Yao did not know if she purposely did not want to face the past or really was lazy, but she did not want to go anywhere. When Cang Xuan suggested she open a medical clinic like she did on Five Deities Mountain, Xiao Yao was not interested.

Every day Xiao Yao woke up after noon and then flipped through her medical books. Only when making poisons did she perk up slightly.

Seeing her in such low spirits, the Xuan Yuan king kindly suggested, “That boy from the Fangfeng family, his name is Fangfeng Bei, right? I see both of you get along well, why haven’t you played together these past few years? You can get him to accompany you going around.”

It was better if the Xuan Yuan king did not mention it because afterwards Xiao Yao got even more low spirited, and even lost interest in making poisons. She spent every day sitting in a daze in the corridor.

-- Vol 2 Ch14  (Chapter 31)

She only found purpose again in properly learning medicine, which she spent the next two years doing. Then came Feng Long's proposal which blindsided her. Her grandfather clearly knew why she was so stunned by her upcoming marriage, so mentioned to her how Xiang Liu rejected every opportunity to switch allegiance, in hopes she would finally be willing to move on with a life with Feng Long. 

It is telling then that, despite knowing Xiang Liu would never switch sides, the moment her wedding date was set in the next two months, she had the crystal globe retrieved and sent immediately to Xiang Liu, appealing to him to take her hand and let her be a part of his life. That, more than anything else, tells me that she already knew he would never step into her world, and whatever life she might have with him, would only ever be shortlived, until such time when he died. Yet, she still sent the crystal globe, for once, summoning her courage to actively fight for a chance at a life she wanted with the man she loved, even if it meant being alone again at the end of it. And I believe that her grandfather too, cannot fail to understand exactly what the meaning of the crystal globe and all it entailed was, but he said nothing, perhaps because he too hoped that the happiness she longed for would be within her grasp, even if it meant she would suffer in future as he feared. 

The Xuan Yuan king had actually walked off but then retraced his steps, only to see Xiao Yao leaning against the window, staring into the dark night in a daze.

He coughed lightly and Xiao Yao appeared to wake from a trance. “Grandfather, you haven’t gone to sleep?”

The Xuan Yuan king suddenly said, “I once asked Cang Xuan to find any way possible to get Nine Lives Xiang Liu to turn his allegiance to us.”

Xiao Yao bolted upright and stared at the Xuan Yuan king.

The Xuan Yuan king said, “All these years, using any method, any persuasion, any means available, he turned it all down.”

Xiao Yao looked back out into the dark distance and her face showed no emotion, no joy and no sorrow.

“Cang Xuan ordered Liang Wang Peak, the northernmost peak of Shen Nong Mountain to be designated as a forbidden area, and he had his own trusted men guarding it. You ought to know why he did that. Even though Xiang Liu saved your life, you don’t owe him anything.”

Xiao Yao smiled. “I know.”

The Xuan Yuan king said, “Go get an early rest.”

******************************

Xiao Yao wrote back that she would return to Gao Xin after she did a final personal matter.

****************************** 

The Xuan Yuan king was momentarily stunned when he saw what Xiao Yao had made and walked into the house, carefully examining it for a long time. He said nothing other than to sigh, “Only you would be willing to waste things in this way.”

Xiao Yao stared at the ice crystal globe and said, “This is the last time.”

Xiao Yao wrapped the ice crystal globe in a pelt of a demon bear from the North, and sent it along with a jade slip inside a jade box. She went to the Tushan clan courier shop and paid five times more than usual to deliver it as soon as possible to Qingshui Town.

The jade slip only had one short message:

“In two months I am getting married. This is the last poison I will make for you. Please kindly accept it.”

-- Vol 2 Ch14  (Chapter 31)

Then came the seven days of waiting in vain outside Dragon Bone Prison in Gao Xin, aware that if Xiang Liu wanted to find her, he could easily do so here. Despite the wedding announcement being made after the seven days, Xiao Yao must have continued to wait, but he still never responded. He could have come at any time during the two months leading up to the wedding, but he never once showed.

For seven days, Xiao Yao appeared to be really considering her decision. Every day she sat on the jagged rocks outside Dragon Bone Prison and looked out over the blue ocean.

When A Nian went to look for her, she was met with the breathtaking sight of flaming red heather blooming all over the desolate cliffs against the blue horizon, and Xiao Yao dressed in white sitting barefooted on the black jagged rocks, waves cresting at her feet.

The view before her was indescribably beautiful, yet A Nian felt a sense of age-old desolation and loneliness. Xiao Yao’s profile reminded her of the legends of the sea, of a fisherman’s daughter standing by the ocean day and night, waiting for so long for her lover to return that she finally turned into a rock.

-- Vol 2 Ch14  (Chapter 31)

Until the day of the wedding itself, when he gave his final answer to her appeal, and shut the doors irrevocably to any hope of them being together.  And she might not have realised it at the time, but his very act of doing so also ensured that no man, no clan in the Great Wilderness would be willing to have her after this, unless it was a man who truly loved her, regardless.

Xiao Yao asked, “Why?” Xiang Liu, you knew two months ago I was getting married, why do you have to do it this way? Do you want the entire world to despise me? Even if you want to ruin me, why would you use this most humiliating way?

-- Vol 2 Ch15  (Chapter 32)

 blabla100:

@liddi

Very accurate analysis, liddi, you dotted all the i's IMO. 

Thank you. This findings from this analysis makes my heart ache so much for Xiao Yao.

 liddi:

Xiao Yao's Journey Up to the Gifting of the Crystal Globe

Tracing Xiao Yao's emotions and thoughts leading up to the gifting of the crystal globe has been an interesting process. 

Excellent analysis, liddi. The findings also make my heart ache for Xiao Yao.

 liddi:

If she had any doubts about how Xiang Liu felt, finding out the name of the poisonous bug that they shared would have given her reason to wonder if he loved her too.

I agree she probably first realized that XL might have loved her here. But, I don't know if she could be sure. Even if she didn't doubt at this point that XL loved her, his later actions to distance himself from her would have made doubt creep back in her mind. This is why after she spoke with the Voodoo King and found out the exact nature of the bugs, she desperately wanted him to confess that he loved her. 

“The Voodoo King said ‘the doves don’t fly alone in the sky, the pair of mandarin ducks in the water die together’. If I die then how can you live?”

“Why don’t you ask the question in reverse – if I die, then how can you live?”

Xiao Yao tried to stay calm and plead with him “I don’t know who dies and who lives so that’s why I’m asking you. Tell me!”

-- Vol 3 Ch 4 (Chapter 37)

 blabla100:

Definetely this "still trying to catch snowflakes" scene is what urged XL to finally put a stop on their time spent in QS TOWN. He clearly saw XY has no intention to give up holding onto him yet. Killing Bei didn't work, telling her he got her letter 2 months ago didn't work, pushing her to go outside in order to meet Tian Er didn't work, XY was still there waiting for something. His intention was definetely to put a stop on her hopes once and for all, by reminding her that no matter what she grew to believe that is going on between them, he always saw their relationschip as a deal only.

XY was the one who first asked if she could leave. XL just pushed her to ask by letting her know that Jing orchestrated the robbery.

“Tu Shan Jing hired me to go stop your wedding. He promised that if I could keep you from getting married, he would give me thirty-seven years worth of army provisions for the soldiers.”

“What?” Xiao Yao couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jing hired Xiang Liu to ruin her wedding?

“If you don’t believe me you can go ask Tu Shan Jing yourself.”

Xiao Yao asked “When are you going to let me leave?”

Xiang Liu casually said “I already got what I wanted, you can leave anytime!”

-- Vol 2 Ch 15 (Chapter 32)

 blabla100:

About TH saying that XY's choices were motivated by her past traumas, I personally believe that this statement refers to Jing only, as in chosing Jing as her companion and not as chosing Jing over XL, because the way I see it XL never gave XY the option to choose him.

I find it plausible that XL didn't allow XY to choose him after she refused to air kiss him and told him her reasons. It's possible he completely understood all the reasons right away and honored her wishes. He would accompany her for a short time as FFB, but wouldn't allow her to choose him.

I find it equally plausible that XL was open to the idea of XY choosing him in his FFB period before 37 years at sea.

 blabla100:

Her past traumas didn't allow her to fight for what she wants and she would rather sit and wait for the other to do all the work and while that's what she did in her relationship to jing, her relationship with XL defetead the norm IMO .

Interesting perspective. Agree that in a lot of ways, her love for XL defeated her norm. She was willing to give first and put herself out there to risk rejection--over and over again.

 H19279:

I don't mean that XY took initative in those events. What I mean here is those were 3 events/action that she tried to move forward in their relationship, and XL retreated which were opposite the period before 37 years under the sea when XL took step foward but XY retreated. 

Ok, here is where our interpretations differ. I see her opening the window as a metaphor for her taking, initiative, rather than passively waiting for life to happen.

 H19279:

I regard this poem with its general story: It was pity that when she was "young" she made some choices that now she got stuck. She had made many choice: she chose to loyal to CX, she chose Jing to fullfil her wish of lifetime companion and still being loyal to CX instead of her true love -XL. Her conversation with CX reveals a lot about her dilema. CX was very important to her, she could do anything for him and expected he would do the same to her but he betrayed her trust. He killed Jing but XY also felt partly responsible for his mistake (indeed, for all those years she only told CX about Jing, made CX think that her suffering all due to Jing. But her long depression was due to XL mainly etc). The "old friend" who became distant implied not only XL but also CX. She realized that she misunderstood him, he had changed or she actually had never seen him truely. And the last sentence of the poem expresses the author's emotion of detachment from the world. "Death is a natural part of life" and "Xiao Yao thought about it, if one could not love and live freely then death would be a form of release." and Royal Mother later saw it through. She told XY  that “Sometimes the world is so big that anywhere can be home, sometimes the world is so big but nowhere to go and death is a release. " (Chapter 49). The love here is not only romatic love with XL that she had cut off connection to him in Gourd shaped Lake in chapter 46, it is also family love. Her brother killed her fiance and her grandfather hid the truth from her. None could understand her grieve and she wanted to shake off all the sorrow by detaching from the world (meaning death. it is more likely than going to get XL back)

Thank you for the thorough analysis. I largely agree with this and find it plausible that she was seeking death rather than hoping for XL to save her.

However, I find it equally if not more plausible that she wanted XL to save her. Since I interpret the window metaphor as her taking initiative, it only makes sense to me that the 3rd time she opened the window was when she poisoned herself and XL sealed the window shut with his spiritual power by breaking their PLB bond. This makes more sense to me than XL's soft rejection of her in QST after the marriage robbery being a metaphor for the 3rd time he closed the window. After the marriage robbery, she tried to chase him down after finding out the true nature of the voodoo bugs. She also desperately clung to him, pleaded with him not to leave, and strongly hinted that she was willing to be intimate with him after he saved her from the vortex in Chapter 43. So I wouldn't say her hope for a romantic relationship with XL was completely crushed after the robbery in QST.

I also think the snake demon metaphor has to be taken into consideration. XY created a life-and-death feud between her and the snake demon in order to prevent it from leaving her. I think this correlates to XY poisoning herself as a last-ditch effort to keep XL with her.

“时间长了，它发现我越来越狡猾，吃不到我，想离开。我为了留下它，把它下的蛋给偷吃了。这下我们可结了生死仇怨，它不离开了，追在我屁股后面想杀了我。”
“Over time, it realized I was becoming ever more cunning and that it couldn't eat me, so it wanted to leave. To make it stay, I secretly ate its eggs. Now, we had a life-or-death feud; it wouldn’t leave and kept chasing after me, trying to kill me.”

— Vol 1 Ch 4 (Chapter 4)

I can't think of any other instance where she took the initiative to create a life-and-death feud with XL.

 solarlunareclipse:

I just came across this old post on your translation of the leaked script. I completely understand the negative sentiment towards most of the changes in the drama, as they make it seem almost like a completely different work from the novel. However, I found the specific change of AN giving XY the doll for XL to be quite clever, since AN is XL's most prevalent shadow. I can also imagine XL wanting to tell XY, "Make up for what I am missing out on." (╯︵╰,)

Replacing Sir Bi and Lie Yang with A Nian is a frustrating change. The silver lining is that A Nian already knew Xiang Liu from years ago, and would be instrumental in bringing Xiao Yao to Jade Mountain where he destroyed the lovers bugs, and had A Nian swear never to let Xiao Yao know. Here the leaked script spells out Xiang Liu's reasoning for everything he did, his hope that she would hate him so much by the end of it that his death would no longer matter to her:

AN (dissatisfied): This matter concerns Xiao Yao. Why does she not have the right to know?
XL (looking at the unconscious XY): Since we are not fated to be in this lifetime, it is better not to be indebted to one another, not to miss each other, as if... we never met, never knew each other.
AN (stunned, never occurring in her mind that Xiang Liu whose frightening reputation shook the cores of the Great Wilderness, would be like this): You... (moved, saddened) Rest assured. I will never let Xiao Yao know everything that happened today.

By the same token, A Nian, being the only person apart from the Royal Mother, who knew what really happened, was the logical choice to deliver his final gift to her. What I dislike immensely from that scene is that to Xiao Yao, it was just another wedding gift that had no particular significance, unlike the novel where it was the only thing that made her smile in the days after her grief over Xiang Liu's death.