Some thoughts about episode 5 & 6 (Spoilers!!)

Firstly, I’ll like to say I am blown away by how this production has embraced what a BL is and it isn’t the typical censored kbl that we’re used to. Secondly, I have to give this series props for portraying the quiet turmoil of everyday people, experiencing the brutality of life. What I mean by that, is that none of the leads are particularly exceptional or are experiencing an exceptional life. They are not special. Their circumstances aren’t special, or rare, or remarkable. There is almost a mundane devastating reality to it that feels like the everyday lives of very ordinary people. I think being able to capture unremarkable stories in such a remarkable way is a great talent.

Ok, so let’s dive in:

Episode 5 picks up where we left off at the end of episode 4. DH asks JY if he would like to have dinner and here is where I think the tone is set for the ‘new DH’. Far from what I was expecting at the end of episode 4; episode 5 opens with DH inviting JY to dinner in a nonchalant way. It was very much; “I’m just gonna treat you like we weren’t that close, we are just two people who knew each other vaguely in the past.” It’s giving, ‘polite catch up’. And we see this further in how DH keeps JY at arms length and treats him like a ‘stranger’ both in the car and at the dinner, as if they are not that close. However, his small gestures betray him. Note the scene where he hands him the glass of water (it may have been alcohol). It’s such an intimate gesture that is so full of care yet it’s juxtaposed with how aloof DH is acting by not looking at JY and acting snobbish along with the others. Still we can see that DH doesn’t quite fit with these group of people. He’s uncomfortable and not just because JY is there and he’s pretending like it’s no big deal; but also because he’s not quite one of ‘them’ no matter how much he pretends to be. The scene with his student’s mother further solidifies this.

This is an important episode to understand the now dynamic of the two leads. Instead of going somewhere in private to have a talk with JY, DH instead invites him to essentially ‘third wheel’ in the car on the way to their group dinner and this whole episode is just JY pretending like they are mere acquaintances and that there’s nothing they need to talk about. It’s that vibe of when someone pretends they don’t know you and you’re flabbergasted wondering if you’re the crazy one. This is reflected in JY’s reaction to him, because he can see how weird DH is acting. This new DH seems ‘off’ to him. It’s not until the dinner scene that I think JY begins to understand that DH is being weird because he has changed or at least is trying to appear as if he has changed.

On some level I think JY knows that this isn’t the real DH and this is perhaps why he dives back in despite how toxic that scene of the second break up was. I think in typical JY fashion, he believes he can save DH or bring him back to his old self. I fully imagine he has thought deeply about everything and he realises that DH is purposely pushing him away because of something he cannot share but he’s having a hard time with it. I think he’s beginning to realise DH’s life in Seoul is not rosy and neither is what he had to do to get there (see the drawer full of pills at DH’s apartment). It’s why he doesn’t want to give up on him. My personal opinion is that DH has a lot of guilt and shame to do with whatever deal or influence HH has had on his life post failing his college entrance exam. I think HH had a hand in getting DH out of that life that he hated so much and DH is not proud of it. Perhaps HH’s family connections or wealth is directly involved in DH being able to go to college and the connections/lifestyle  he has now. I get the sense that DH is deeply ashamed of himself and perhaps feels like a fraud, especially in the presence of JY who knows him best. You can tell DH feels burdened by having HH around but it feels like he owes him something. He seems indebted to him. It’s very obvious that HH wants more from their strange relationship which makes you wonder why DH keeps him around if he makes him uncomfortable, but I think that’s the point. It makes you wonder why DH is involved with him? I believe this is what we’ll find out next episode.


The biggest thing that these two episodes highlight is that DH is running from his past. He refuses to confront it as there are some truths he’s not yet ready to face. It’s a mess of issues: - the abuse he faced from his father and the shame he feels about his selfishness, knowing but doing nothing about JY’s abuse by his father, as it meant his father had a new punching bag. And the reason he feels particularly guilty and shameful about this is because he KNOWS JY did it for him. He knows JY stayed and put up with it for him. That’s why he so carelessly said, “don’t tell me you did it for me”. It’s a very snide remark but it’s a comment that betrays how much guilt and responsibility he feels. He tells JY that he called the police that led to JY’s arrest and that he did it so that it wouldn’t disrupt his exams - essentially painting himself as this selfish person, but the truth is that he did it to protect JY. However, he doesn’t want JY to know this. He want’s JY to hate him instead and curse his existence. We as humans do this all the time because we think we deserve to be seen as the bad guy (due to guilt and shame). It’s why we push people away and make ourselves into the bad guy.

I go back and forth about whether I think DH cut ties with JY because he was upset that JY continued to speak to his father after all the abuse they both faced; or if it’s because JY keeping in contact with DH’s father meant that he couldn’t have JY in his life anymore if he wished to put his painful past behind him. Did he not want to get sucked back in the abuse again? Did he know that JY has too much of a soft heart and is too forgiving and would try to get DH to forgive his father? Perhaps DH is resentful of JY being in touch with his father knowing how much DH suffered at his hands. Like I said, it’s a mess and a whole lot of complicated emotions.  

It’s also important to understand that everything he has said to JY in these two episodes about why he doesn’t want to talk about the past is just an excuse. He is a man hiding within himself like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand.

Like everyone in the comments are saying, they will need to have a serious and frank conversation. I don’t think this will be glossed over as I think DH’s  unwillingness to open up about what he’s been through is the crux of the series. At the moment I think DH is ashamed of being ‘found out’ by JY. You see the shame whenever they bring up the conversation of his dream of becoming an architect. He even lies that the drawing was made by him. Perhaps DH is ashamed that JY’s sacrifice for DH to pursue his dream means that he is a failure and a fraud because he fell short of achieving that.