Some thoughts about episode 5 & 6 (Spoilers!!)

Firstly, I want to say I am blown away by how this production has embraced what a BL ought to be and that it isn’t the typical censored kbl that we’re used to. Secondly, I have to give this series props for portraying the quiet turmoil of everyday people, experiencing the brutality of life. What I mean by that, is that none of the leads are particularly exceptional or are experiencing an exceptional life. They are not special. Their circumstances aren’t special, or rare, or remarkable. There is almost a mundane devastating reality to it that feels like the everyday lives of very ordinary people. I think being able to capture unremarkable stories in such a remarkable way is a great talent.

Ok, so let’s dive in:

Episode 5 picks up where we left off at the end of episode 4. DH asks JY if he would like to have dinner and here is where I think the tone is set for the ‘new DH’. Far from what I was expecting at the end of episode 4; episode 5 opens with DH inviting JY to dinner in a nonchalant way. It was very much; “I’m just gonna treat you like we weren’t that close, we are just two people who knew each other vaguely in the past.” It’s giving, ‘polite catch up’. And we see this further in how DH keeps JY at arms length and treats him like a ‘stranger’ both in the car ride and at the dinner. However, his small gestures betray him. Note the scene where he hands him the glass of water (it may have been alcohol). It’s such an intimate gesture that is so full of care yet it’s juxtaposed with how aloof DH is acting by not looking at JY and acting snobbish along with the others. Still we can see that DH doesn’t quite fit with these group of people. He’s uncomfortable and not just because JY is there and he’s pretending like it’s no big deal; but also because he’s not quite one of ‘them’ no matter how much he pretends to be. The scene with his student’s mother further solidifies this.

This is an important episode to understand the now dynamic of the two leads. Instead of going somewhere in private to have a talk with JY, DH instead invites him to essentially ‘third wheel’ in the car on the way to their group dinner and this whole episode is just JY pretending like they are mere acquaintances and that there’s nothing they need to talk about. It’s that vibe of when someone pretends they don’t know you and you’re flabbergasted wondering if you’re the crazy one. This is reflected in JY’s reaction to him, because he can see how weird DH is acting. This new DH seems ‘off’ to him. It’s not until the dinner scene that I think JY begins to understand that DH is being weird because he has changed or at least is trying to appear as if he has changed.

On some level I think JY knows that this isn’t the real DH and this is perhaps why he dives back in despite how toxic that scene of the second break up was. I think in typical JY fashion, he believes he can save DH or bring him back to his old self. I fully imagine he has thought deeply about everything and he realises that DH is purposely pushing him away because of something he cannot share but he’s having a hard time with it. I think he’s beginning to realise DH’s life in Seoul is not rosy and neither is what he had to do to get there (see the drawer full of pills at DH’s apartment). It’s why he doesn’t want to give up on him. My personal opinion is that DH has a lot of guilt and shame to do with whatever deal or influence HH has had on his life post failing his college entrance exam. I think HH had a hand in getting DH out of that life that he hated so much and DH is not proud of it. Perhaps HH’s family connections or wealth is directly involved in DH being able to go to college and the connections/lifestyle  he has now. I get the sense that DH is deeply ashamed of himself and perhaps feels like a fraud, especially in the presence of JY who knows him best. You can tell DH feels burdened by having HH around but it feels like he owes him something. He seems indebted to him. It’s very obvious that HH wants more from their strange relationship which makes you wonder why DH keeps him around if he makes him uncomfortable, but I think that’s the point. It makes you wonder why DH is involved with him? I believe this is what we’ll find out next episode.

The biggest thing that these two episodes highlight is that DH is running from his past. He refuses to confront it as there are some truths he’s not yet ready to face. It’s a mess of issues: - the abuse he faced from his father and the shame he feels about his selfishness, knowing but doing nothing about JY’s abuse by his father, as it meant his father had a new punching bag. And the reason he feels particularly guilty and shameful about this is because he KNOWS JY did it for him. He knows JY stayed and put up with it for him. That’s why he so carelessly said, “don’t tell me you did it for me”. It’s a very snide remark but it’s a comment that betrays how much guilt and responsibility he feels. He tells JY that he called the police that led to JY’s arrest and that he did it so that it wouldn’t disrupt his exams - essentially painting himself as this selfish person, but the truth is that he did it to protect JY. However, he doesn’t want JY to know this. He want’s JY to hate him instead and curse his existence. We as humans do this all the time because we think we deserve to be seen as the bad guy (due to guilt and shame). It’s why we push people away and make ourselves into the bad guy.

I go back and forth about whether I think DH cut ties with JY because he was upset that JY continued to speak to his father after all the abuse they both faced; or if it’s because JY keeping in contact with DH’s father meant that he couldn’t have JY in his life anymore if he wished to put his painful past behind him. Did he not want to get sucked back in the abuse? Did he know that JY has too much of a soft heart and is too forgiving and would try to get DH to forgive his father? Perhaps DH is resentful of JY being in touch with his father knowing how much DH suffered at his hands. Like I said, it’s a mess and a whole lot of complicated feelings.  

It’s also important to understand that everything he has said to JY in these two episodes about why he doesn’t want to talk about the past is just an excuse. He is a man hiding within himself like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand.

Like everyone in the comments are saying, they will need to have a serious and frank conversation. I don’t think this will be glossed over as I think DH’s  unwillingness to open up about what he’s been through is the crux of the series. At the moment I think DH is ashamed of being ‘found out’ by JY. You see the shame whenever they bring up the conversation of his dream of becoming an architect. He even lies that the drawing was made by him. Perhaps DH is ashamed that JY’s sacrifice for DH to pursue his dream means that he is a failure and a fraud because he fell short of achieving that. 

 mahiba:

Thank you for clarifying the drawing thing because I was really lost, I didn't get it.

 Honestly I think their (new) relationship hinge on the fact that JY is a giver, maybe even worse, a fixer. He "fixed" DH's dad in some way (I don't frankly understand their relationship) and he thinks he can save the son too if he gives him enough love. Unfortunately I feel like DH's needs may be a bit too much for even JY. DH truly is a wretched soul. Not his fault, but I really don't like him taking his anger out on JY. 

I didn't like them this episode, I hated the fact that DH was acting condescendingly toward JY. That said, if his attitude is really borne from low esteem, I will hope he find a way. ASAP, because there's only 2 episodes left and I am NOT watching a second season. 

I had considered that DH could be the rightful owner of the drawing (just going by the dates) but JY’s demeanour when he visited DH’s home after finding out, suggests that DH lied. It seems like JY felt pity for him in that scene and was hoping DH would be honest and open up to him.

In relation to their new relationship, it for sure is gonna get worse before it gets better because they haven’t addressed any of their big issues yet.

I agree that JY comes across as a fixer. For all we know the father may have continued to abuse JY all these years and he just put up with it. If their relationship really did get better, I’m sure it’s down to the old man being lonely and not because he turned over a new leaf.

The condescension was pretty hard to watch but so far, I have a lot of empathy for the characters. However, if this isn’t resolved satisfactorily, I think I may end up disliking the characters somewhat.

I hear you about not wanting to watch a season 2. I’d prefer if they wrapped it up in one season, mainly because second seasons take so long to come out and can get stuck in post production.

@TamzinMillemni and @paredros, Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this BL. It has been great to read these additional perspectives.  

yes, the juxtaposition of their first time in the past and now was so effective! the scene in the present is possibly the bleakest that I recall seeing in the genre: by the end of it, DH just seems like he has disassociated completely, and JY feels like he's the only one who has made himself vulnerable. rather than bring them closer, it seems that it pushed them further apart. (which again: I love how subversive it is, as a writing choice; it reminds me of the premature reconciliation in To My Star 2).

& I did love the scenes you mention: at the dinner, the moment their hands touch and the instrumental soundtrack drowns out the conversation; and exactly, the flooding of memories in the snow scene... the past spilling over into the present. it's as if DH didn't allow himself to think of their happier memories, so the moment he was confronted with them, he had no defence - but then he immediately re-established those boundaries. in the snow scene, it felt as if the memories had been buried very deep, and were coming out of his core, but by the next day, he figured out how to keep his relationship with JY as shallow / superficial as all his other relationships.

 & the scene with the drawing was so upsetting - I felt that DH seemed like a child in that scene, caught with his hand in the candy jar (and it made me think of how when he was a child, he had to be the responsible adult "parenting" his father)...

& the house was obviously so fascinating, too - all about misdirection and hiding (& even the single line we hear in the English class is about "hiding places..."). somebody elsewhere pointed out the dates - once he knows it's not DH's, JY checks the date on the drawing, 2015, and remembers that he saw DH's exam results from 2012 - 5 years after he failed them, in 2007. what happened during those 5 years? I definitely expect to find out more about DH's university years. (& what convinced me that it wasn't DH's drawing was his reaction when he saw that JY made it his wallpaper - he's ashamed!).

 paredros:

& the house was obviously so fascinating, too - all about misdirection and hiding (& even the single line we hear in the English class is about "hiding places..."). somebody elsewhere pointed out the dates - once he knows it's not DH's, JY checks the date on the drawing, 2015, and remembers that he saw DH's exam results from 2012 - 5 years after he failed them, in 2007. what happened during those 5 years? I definitely expect to find out more about DH's university years. (& what convinced me that it wasn't DH's drawing was his reaction when he saw that JY made it his wallpaper - he's ashamed!).

The shame is palpable. I like how you described how he was like a child with his hand caught in the candy jar. I am so intrigue by what happened during the missing 12 years, but specifically what happened to DH  during the years he failed his exam and retook them. The fact that his results from 2012 was in his old room meant that he still lived with his father up until 2012, no? And when exactly did JY start hanging out with DH's father again, since it's insinuated that he visited their house often throughout the years? What happened to JY between 2007 and 2012 after his parents took him away? I have so many questions and so many theories. My mind is like a mind map, tracking all the theories. lol

 TamzinMillemni:

Those lyrics fit perfectly. 

Just did an edit of it!  

I feel like I've inhaled JY. 😔 The storm in his heart and the webs in his mind... it's such familiar territory.