Xiang Liu and Xiao Yao’s Story and Romance

 liddi:

A Heng was then tortured by the Yellow Emperor in a fire formation.

 liddi:

A Heng hesitated and was about to speak, "I..." Qing Yang stood behind his mother and stared at her with icy cold eyes that carried a hint of murderous intent. The scene back when Eldest Brother thrust a sword into Chi Chen's heart flashed before A Heng's eyes. Her heart chilled, and she swallowed the words that were at the tip of her tongue.

"I... I don't like anyone. I just want to be free for a few more years, and not get married."

The men in Once Promised all need a serious smack down.  Your list is growing longer, Grandpa Emperor!

Thanks for the translation, liddi!

 Kokuto:

This is why I always laugh when people talk about how good Grandpa Emperor was in season 2.  Yes, he was FINALLY making up a tiny bit for all the massive amount of crap he did in the past.  He better live another 2000 years being a saint, if he hopes his karma lightens any.

You mean after he abdicated the throne and dedicated his days to being YaoXuan CP breaker? 

For me, he is very much a different man in LYF. Still cunning as ever, but far more humane compared to Once Promised. 

Shao Hao too, but while extremely cunning and ruthless, he was out of his league dealing with the Yellow Emperor, as he realised here. He would experience this first hand later when the Yellow Emperor forced him to sign a blood alliance with Xuan Yuan, after the Yellow Emperor abetted the escape of Shao Hao's imprisoned brother and was instrumental in instigating and supporting the Five Princes Revolt that crippled Gao Xin, and prevented him from fetching Xiao Yao from Jade Mountain until it was too late.

This scene takes place during the battle at Ban Quan (Ban Spring) between the Yellow Emperor and the Eighth Flame Emperor Yu Xiang, where Yu Xiang was finally killed. Qing Yang also died blocking Chi Chen's attack on the Yellow Emperor, after he was weakened with the same poison that he had initially intended to but ultimately did not give his father:

Shao Hao suddenly stood up, his expression changing drastically.

A clash of full strength against full strength! The Yellow Emperor isn't like this! This is where it doesn’t make sense!

Thousands of years ago, the Xuan Yuan clan was just a minor deity clan, and the Yellow Emperor had to carefully conserve every bit of military strength because he could not afford to waste any! His strategy had always been to use the weak to erode his opponent’s strength, avoid direct confrontations, and minimise his own losses. This had always been his consistent approach. Mountains and rivers may change, but one’s fundamental nature is hard to change. How could the Yellow Emperor suddenly change? In addition, he clearly knew that Gao Xin was watching from the side, hoping for both sides to be destroyed. So it was impossible!

A Heng hurriedly asked, “What’s wrong?”

Shao Hao steadied himself and stared at the map, saying, "The entire Great Wilderness has been deceived by the Yellow Emperor. The ancient ballads always sing, 'Lose Ban City, lose the Central Plains; gain Ban City, gain the Central Plains.' However, what the Yellow Emperor wants is not the first fortress of the Shen Nong Kingdom, Ban City."

"Then what does Royal Father intend to do by mobilising the troops of the entire nation?"

Shao Hao replied, "He wants the life of the Flame Emperor!"

A Heng jumped up in shock, horror written on her face.

Shao Hao continued, "War is not only about military strength but also about national power. Under the contrasting governance of Chi Chen and Yu Xiang, Shen Nong has become powerful, with a prosperous populace. How could the impoverished Xuan Yuan compete with the affluent Shen Nong? Over the past two hundred years, your Royal Father has used countless schemes to try and drive a wedge between Yu Xiang and Chi Chen. However, Chi Chen is as cunning as a fox and never fooled, while Yu Xiang is like an elm tree knothole, sticking to a rigid principle and ignoring everything else. In the face of the strong Shen Nong, the Yellow Emperor's ambition to expand eastward seems unattainable. However, as long as Yu Xiang died, the situation would change immediately. Chi Chen’s actions are too aggressive, and aggression can easily lead to collapse. For over two hundred years, it has been Yu Xiang's conciliatory measures that have resolved the conflicts between various parties and Chi Chen. No matter how dissatisfied the vassal states are, as long as Yu Xiang is alive, they can only hope to weaken Chi Chen's power but dare not rebel. But if Yu Xiang dies, these people would never respect Chi Chen, who comes from a different background and has different interests…”

A Heng's face turned ashen, murmuring, "The Shen Nong Kingdom will be torn apart, and Royal Father can then defeat them separately."

Shao Hao looked at the map and sighed with a touch of awe, "The Flame Emperor of Shen Nong! The Yellow Emperor of Xuan Yuan!" If the previous Flame Emperor had taken advantage of Chi Chen’s unique background and character to take an unconventional approach and make a brilliant move, then the Yellow Emperor now used Chi Chen’s same unique background and character to successfully break the Flame Emperor's deadly trap and turn it against him.

The two emperors had played a chess game spanning several centuries across the distance of life and death. Only now did he realise how much they fell short compared to those two old foxes. Even he, as an observer, felt both fear and intense curiosity, wondering how the Flame Emperor would have responded to the Yellow Emperor's strategic move of breaking up the army if he were still alive. However, since the Flame Emperor was already dead, he could not make any more moves. The Yellow Emperor was sure to win!

Suddenly, Shao Hao broke out in cold sweat. How could he have been so arrogant as to think that he could deal with someone like the Yellow Emperor as he had dealt with his own Royal Father? Qing Yang, if you have murderous intentions, your life is in grave danger!

-- Once Promised, Vol 2 Ch3  (originally Chapter 6)

 Kokuto:

The men in Once Promised all need a serious smack down.  Your list is growing longer, Grandpa Emperor!

To be fair, Qing Yang loved A Heng dearly, but at that point in time, he knew what was at stake, which was the safety and well being of his mother and Zhong Yi. Yun Ze had already died by then as a result of Xuanyuan Hui's schemes, so he had to ensure that the rest of his family was safe. Gao Xin would only accept a consort who was born to an Empress, so as long as A Heng agreed to marry Shao Hao, the Yellow Emperor would not dare to strip away Xie Zu's title of Empress. When A Heng ran away to Bai Li to meet Chi Chen after refusing to marry, Qing Yang actually waited under the peach tree with her after he caught up with her, and only brought her back when she passed out from the arduous wait and the injuries she sustained while trying to run away.

The Yellow Emperor's consideration was the continued survival of Xuan Yuan. So in that regard, it is understandable why they needed the marriage alliance. 

 Kokuto:

Also another AU starting point.  A Heng leaves and takes XY and lives with Chi Chen for a year or two, before the war intrudes.

Well, the drama does splinter out into AU. In Once Promised, Chi Chen never knew he had a daughter until just before the final war between Xuan Yuan and Shen Nong. Xiao Yao was already about 8-9 years old by then. There is never any scenario of them happily anticipating the birth of their child at their home in Bai Li. When A Heng was pregnant, Chi Chen was badly wounded and unconscious after the attempting flooding of Ze Province, and she had his roc bring him to the Northern Depths to heal. By the time he woke up and returned, Xiao Yao was 3 years old, and he thought that she was Shao Hao's daughter, especially since her features were very similar to Shao Hao's. He never knew A Heng was pregnant before then. 

So in the drama, at least A Heng and Chi Chen did have time together as a family with their unborn child.

 Kokuto:

Thanks for the translation, liddi!

You're very welcome!

 Kokuto:

I found a clip on WeTV youtube that started with him as Hong Jiang and reverting to his form when Ru Shou calls him out.  I though, YAY!  Then the Jinger editor left in the beginning of the credits before cutting to the beginning of the next episode which repeats a few sentences from the last episode.

=_=

Seriously.  How do you post something so unprofessional on your official platform?  Of course those annoying link ads at the end covered up the ending too.  Totally unsatisfactory experience.

Is it this one?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ1A7b-hCiw

That is annoying. Perhaps they would be kind enough to do a revised edit (I remember BBJX had a TV version of 40 episodes, and another version of 35 episodes). Perhaps the powers that be will be kind enough to give us a revised version that gives us continuity in all these scenes.

 Kokuto:

On the positive side, thank you for the heads up on the Hello Saturday show -- I'll have to watch it when it hits Youtube.  I bet it will be kind of like that gal, whose name escapes me, on the show.  She had a show where she'd invite stars and Zhou Shen over to her house? and they'd eat and watch the star's show and make commentary.  I think she had ZWY over one time.  And the gal who co-starred with Tan Jian Ci in their movie, Missing You.

I couldn't watch it either because it was only available for SVIP members, and I was a lowly VIP member, gah. But based on what little is seen on Twitter, it's not based on Li Xueqin's other show, which she hosts with Mao Buyi who sings Cang Xuan's theme song.  I do see the cardboard 9 heads which TJC apparently drew faces of - so cute! Hopefully it will be available on Youtube and/or for MGTV VIP members sometime soon.

 liddi:

You mean after he abdicated the throne and dedicated his days to being YaoXuan CP breaker?

For me, he is very much a different man in LYF. Still cunning as ever, but far more humane compared to Once Promised.

LOL!  Yes.  Poor CX. 

Yes, to me the Emperors are almost different people, mostly because it hasn't been that long since they were ruthlessly ambitious.  Arguably, it's the loss of XY when she ran away from Jade Mountain, that probably brought about the change, but still ... they are very different.

 liddi:

Shao Hao too, but while extremely cunning and ruthless, he was out of his league dealing with the Yellow Emperor, as he realised here. He would experience this first hand later when the Yellow Emperor forced him to sign a blood alliance with Xuan Yuan, after the Yellow Emperor abetted the escape of Shao Hao's imprisoned brother and was instrumental in instigating and supporting the Five Princes Revolt that crippled Gao Xin, and prevented him from fetching Xiao Yao from Jade Mountain until it was too late.

OMG.  Grandpa Emperor totally screwed over XY!  

Why is Once Promised so much more twisty politics and strategies, while it's barely adequate in LYF?  It just makes you realize how good of an military strategist XL must have been to hold off Grandpa Emperor all this time.  If he had been born earlier and worked with Chi Chen or even Haolin, how different could things have been.

 liddi:

To be fair, Qing Yang loved A Heng dearly, but at that point in time, he knew what was at stake, which was the safety and well being of his mother and Zhong Yi. Yun Ze had already died by then as a result of Xuanyuan Hui's schemes, so he had to ensure that the rest of his family was safe. Gao Xin would only accept a consort who was born to an Empress, so as long as A Heng agreed to marry Shao Hao, the Yellow Emperor would not dare to strip away Lei Zu's title of Empress. When A Heng ran away to Bai Li to meet Chi Chen after refusing to marry, Qing Yang actually waited under the peach tree with her after he caught up with her, and only brought her back when she passed out from the arduous wait and the injuries she sustained while trying to run away.

The Yellow Emperor's consideration was the continued survival of Xuan Yuan. So in that regard, it is understandable why they needed the marriage alliance.

If the Yellow Emperor hadn't been so ambitious and covetous, he wouldn't have had to worry about the survival of Xuan Yuan.  He was definitely a piece of work.  But that's what makes for good stories.  Though  I still stand by my assertion that the men in Once Promised all needed a smack down.  Yes, Chi Chen too. ;p

 liddi:

Well, the drama does splinter out into AU. In Once Promised, Chi Chen never knew he had a daughter until just before the final war between Xuan Yuan and Shen Nong. Xiao Yao was already about 8-9 years old by then. There is never any scenario of them happily anticipating the birth of their child at their home in Bai Li.

Ah, yes, that's right!  I guess no happy ending for Chi Chen and A Heng either.  :(

 liddi:

In Once Promised, Chi Chen never knew he had a daughter until just before the final war between Xuan Yuan and Shen Nong. Xiao Yao was already about 8-9 years old by then.

Oooh new info! Is this from your timeline? I'm surprised. I thought XY had to be a bit older than that by the time the final battle came around. Did she not spend 8 years living on Xuan Yuan mountain?

 AH :

Did Ah Lei actually see Ah Heng and Chi Chen's home before her death? Or was it her spirit, after death, that saw their home?

The way I see it, A Heng imagined the bamboo house as Chi Chen described it, and imagined her mother seeing her home with Chi Chen and giving her approval, as she recalled that her mother had said "As long as Chi Chen can give you a home and take good care of you, I will accept him as my son-in-law. " What A Heng actually conveyed to Chi Chen was the approval Xie Zu gave before she passed away. 

 AH :

I loved Ah Lei for this. She seemed like such a good mother, with her priorities in order. Especially compared to the Yellow Emperor. 

YES. The first time I read this passage, I teared up because she was the perfect mother to her children. And a very strong one. A Heng and Zhong Yi kept her in the dark about Qing Yang's death, and even brought her to Gui Xu to see his supposedly recuperating body, which was actually Shao Hao in disguise. She immediately knew that it was not Qing Yang, but she pretended to be fooled until she revealed what she knew after Zhong Yi died. It is at this moment that Cang Xuan learnt of Shao Hao's hand in withholding help, resulting in his father's death:

Xie Zu held Cang Xuan's hand and walked in. In just a short time, Cang Xuan seemed to have suddenly grown up. His small face was tightly set, with tears welling up in his eyes but he stubbornly held them back, refusing to cry until his face turned red.

Cang Xuan stood by the side of the pallet, reaching out to touch his mother’s face with a very serious expression.

Xie Zu instructed A Heng, "Tell everything from beginning to end."

A Heng hesitated, looking at Cang Xuan. Xie Zu added, "He is now the only male in our family. Regardless of how much he can understand, let him listen!"

A Heng picked up on the implication of Xie Zu’s words and her expression changed immediately. "Eldest Brother, Eldest Brother is still here."

Xie Zu replied calmly, "Did you really think I do not know? Qing Yang is my flesh and blood; I raised him little by little from a child to adulthood. Heng'er, would you not be able to recognise your own daughter? She is your heart and soul; you know every smile and frown she makes. You and Zhong Yi had the audacity to come up with such a deceitful plan."

A Heng hurriedly explained, "Mother, I—I… it was not Fourth Brother; it was me."

"I understand your painstaking intentions. I know you feared that I might be devastated. and unable to handle it, but both of you underestimated your mother. I personally built Xuan Yuan Kingdom to what it is today. Just because I can no longer go to the battlefield doesn’t mean I am old and confused."

A Heng knelt before Xie Zu, who said to Cang Xuan, "Listen carefully. Don’t ask questions about things you don’t understand; just remember them well."

A Heng began to recount everything, from how she noticed something was amiss; how she sent Lie Yang to Xuan Yuan for help; how she sought troops from Gao Xin, only to be rejected by Shao Hao; to how Yan Zhuan used himself as the eye of the formation to ignite the volcano.

-- Once Promised Vol 2 Ch4  (originally Chapter 7)

 AH :

I can't help but think of XY denying her feelings for XL and thinking of XL and CX being enemies. 

Xiao Yao's denial of her feelings for Xiang Liu was because she could not bear the thought of being abandoned again by the man she loved, and her need to protect Cang Xuan. When Cang Xuan no longer needed her protection, she reached out to Xiang Liu, at last acknowledging her feelings but we know what became of that. 

For A Heng, her refusal to go with Chi Chen was always due to her protecting her family, and she kept him in the dark about Xiao Yao for years until the final war. Chi Chen also had his fair share of hurting her badly due to his deeply suspicious nature and refusal to trust her until he lost her the first time, following her death at Yu Abyss. When at last she could be free to go to him, the Yellow Emperor pulled her back again. Which is why her declaration of her love for Chi Chen in the face of the two armies on the eve of the final battle was so heartbreaking because it was something Chi Chen had waited hundreds of years for but never thought he would ever hear.

Xiang Liu would never ever hear Xiao Yao boldly declare her love for him for the world to hear. But I think he would not have wanted it, knowing her trauma and what he was unable to give her... the ice crystal globe was sufficient for him, like everything else that he kept buried within his heart.

 AH :

I've never seen this part translated before. Thanks for translating it!

You're very welcome!

 liddi:

These are my calculations:

Thank you for this!

 liddi:

Eminent Emperor kills himself in summer

Shao Hao's father? Didn't Shao Hao kill him?

 liddi:

So, assuming I did not miss anything and my calculations are not off, Xiao Yao was roughly 3.5 years old when she first went to Zhao Yun peak, returned after Zhong Yi's death, and stayed there for more than 5 years before she was sent to Jade Mountain at the age of 8-9 years old.

The development cycle for young deities is a bit hard to understand.

It seems like deity pregnancies are much longer than mortal pregnancies (even when they are not artifically extended, as Ah Heng's was). If I remember correctly, FFYY's pregnancy lasted two years? 

And when a deity baby is born, it is like a mortal baby that needs to be fed and tended to night and day.

And, also like a mortal child, sometime before they reach 3.5 years old a deity child can already speak in sentences, run and swim. 

But by the time they are ~79, they are still only as tall as an eight year-old human child. So their rate of development is clearly no longer similar to the rate of development for a mortal. 

-----

LYF Chapter 36:

The Grand Emperor murmured, “She’s grown up?” When Ah Heng gave birth to Xiao Yao in a dangerous delivery, Ah Heng was in a coma for over a year and he was the one who slept with baby Xiao Yao and fed her. Ah Heng, why do I feel like Xiao Yao is still a daughter that must be protected at all costs? But she really is all grown up now!

-----

OP Final Chapter:

Shao Hao had tears in his eyes. “You forget that after you were unconscious for a year after giving birth, who took care of her day and night? Every day after I left court, she would warmly run into my arms to greet me. She would use her little hands to wipe away the furrows in my brows. Only she would dare say that I looked awful with a poker face, only she would dare throw a temper tantrum at me. Xiao Yao is the only person on Five Gods Mountain who ever loved me unconditionally. She gave me so much happiness, I may not dare to make any other promise to you, but I will promise you that she will forever be my daughter!”

-----

LYF Chapter 40:

The Grand Emperor reached out his hand. “Xiao Yao, I remember when you were small. Every night you would sit in front of the court steps with your eyes staring ahead until you saw me. Then you would happily run towards me and into my arms. That was the happiest part of my day because you loved me not for my power or anything else, but because I was your Dad. I loved and coddled you because you were my daughter, even if I didn’t promise your mom or if I didn’t know your uncles, I would still have loved and treated you the same. Don’t be mad at the cold way I’ve pushed you away. I just didn’t want you to feel torn between Zhuan Xu and me.”

----

LYF Chapter 3:

Xiang Liu slowly took off his robe and jumped into the water. Xiao Liu swam towards the shore with all his might with Xiang Liu right beside him. The water in the lake was icy cold and Xiao Liu warmed up with each valiant push forward. He could forget everything and return to childhood when it was all so free, so relaxing, so happy. His only goal was to return to shore, so very simple.

After an hour Xiao Liu finally reached shore. Xiang Liu was sitting next to a roaring fire and his clothes were already dried. Xiao Liu climbed on land “You won, but….” he pulled out a fish from his sleeve “I caught a fish. Let’s cook it, I’m hungry.”

Xiao Liu started cooking the fish while Xiang Liu said, “You grew up somewhere with a lot of water.”

“You say that for anyone who can swim?”

“Not just because you can swim, it’s that swimming brings you unfettered happiness. People seek familiar things that allow them to relax and feel the freedom and joy from childhood.”

-----

Chapter 11:

Zhuan Xu knew she was Fang Feng Yi Yang so he used his powers to create a protective shield around Ah Nian and Hai Tang. They were fine but he was worried about Xiao Liu. Most of the arrows landed on the boat and it was so powerful it caused the entire boat to quake and then collapse in the water. The four of them fell in the water as the boat sank.

Xiao Liu was happy since everyone who grew up in Gao Xing knew how to swim. That was why she was shocked to see that neither Zhuan Xu nor Ah Nian knew how to swim.

-----

Chapter 13:

When Xiao Yao was bored, she often went to Qi Qing Garden to swim. She worried about running into Ah Nian, but Cheng En Palace was so massive that she never felt like a consort and another princess lived here.

When she was swimming, the maids would fan out and guard the garden for her so that no one would run across the princess. It was quiet all around and swimming made Xiao Yao think of her mom. She used to think she would never think about her mom, but in truth she still missed her a lot and merely forced herself not to think of her. Back in familiar surroundings, this missing her grew stronger and stronger but along with it came pain. With an ounce of missing came an ounce of pain, and with an ounce of pain came an ounce of anger.

-----

LYF Chapter 9:

The Grand Emperor waved his hand and a water spirit formed eagle appeared and zoomed towards Xiao Liu, then suddenly changed into a tiger leaping.

This was Xiao Liu’s favorite game when she was small. Every day she would wait outside court before the session ended, with her neck outstretched, waiting for her Dad. When she saw a tired weary form emerge, she would jump up and loudly call “Dad, dad” and rush into his arms. Her dad would laugh and pick her up with one hand and use the other to conjure all sorts of spirit creatures.

...

Xiao Liu’s voice started, “During the final battle between the Xuan Yuan Yellow Emperor and Sheng Nong’s General Qi Yo, my mother died during battle. Before she went to battle, she left me with the Royal Mother in Jade Mountain. I wanted to go home, but year after year I waited and Dad never came to get me. I was very immature then, and the Royal Mother rarely spoke and never smiled, every day forcing me to practice my spiritual powers. I hated her, and one time when Dad had a servant bring a present for me, I hid in the undercarriage and escaped down the mountain. Initially I wanted to hide in the carriage all the way home to Five Gods Mountain, to scare Dad and ask why he didn’t bring me home. I wanted him to tell me that Mom wasn’t dead. On the way home, the two servants were gossiping about me. They said a lot of bad things about my mom and me. They called me a bastard spawn. They said I was so pathetic, wanting to go back to Five Gods Mountain, but my dad would never bring me back. It was his grace that he didn’t have me killed. That was when I learned that my mom actually divorced my dad! She wasn’t my dad’s wife anymore!”

Xiao Liu’s voice became so dark and even Shi Qi and Zhuan Xu knew that she was only sharing some of what she heard because the rest was too horrible to even discuss again. How could she have felt when she heard it all and was still so young.

“I don’t remember exactly how I felt – despair, disappointment, rage, disbelief – I hated my mom, hated my dad…..my entire head was spinning. When the servants stopped to rest, I snuck away and didn’t know where to go but knew I couldn’t go back to Five Gods Mountain. But that was the only home I knew, I didn’t know where else to go. I followed the way to Yi Zhou because I heard that was where my mom died. I didn’t know what to do and just walked on. Probably because I was so cute, people were nice to me and fed me. One time an uncle let me ride in his carriage and said he was headed the same way. I sat down and he took me to his residence. He was nice to me, told me stories and made me laugh. I felt like Dad didn’t want me anymore so I thought he could be my dad. But one day he tried to take my clothes off, and even though I didn’t understand what was happening, I remembered the Royal Mother saying that a girl cannot take her clothes off randomly. I wasn’t willing so he hit me and I accidentally killed him. I was……” Xiao Liu gestured to the height of an eight year old human girl, “Just this tall. I couldn’t believe a person could have so much blood, my clothes were soaked in his blood.”

Wow, 600 pages talking about XL. I just want to share a sentiment, after rewatching the drama and rereading the novel twice because I couldn’t get enough LOL Maybe a lot of what I said has been shared by those who have the same sentiments as me, but just need to get it out of my chest. 

XL to me, is actually a simple and straightforward character just like how XY described him. It’s just that his circumstances made him do what he did. Even though XY fell for TSJ first, but after knowing his true identity she took a step backward, her feelings not quite wavered, it’s her logical thinking that wavered. Deep down XY only wanted a nobody, that’s why she fell for YSQ. But with YSQ’s true identity as TSJ, XY’s logic already put him in a no zone, but because she already developed feelings and TSJ kept pestering her, she wavered between a yes-or-no decision. In the middle of this dilemma, the interactions between XY and XL increased and she started to understand what kind of person XL really was. He’s carefree, had no great ambitions and no true attachments to any clans, which fits what XY was looking for, a nobody. I think she knew deep down he was that person she was looking for and yearns for him. Even though TSJ was willing to give up everything for her and put her as his priority, that did not erase the fact that he was born into a prominent family. So even with a status as a nobody, he wasn’t really a nobody. But for XY to be able to survive  and detach herself from court life and have a stable life, TSJ was the best option— his family were businessmen, confined but relatively peaceful. Yet looking at XY’s carefree personality, just want to live a normal and enjoyable life and do whatever she wanted contradicted her choice. She matched XL perfectly. XL can give her the life she exactly wanted and XY didn’t even mind him as good-for-nothing FFB at all as long as he could give up the only obstacle in their path. But XL was also having a yes-or-no option just like XY, the difference was XL was willing to give it a try. I think even after XY rejected him, he still held a bit of hope. That’s why he probed her about who she wanted to spend her lifetime with. He wanted to know if he should fight for this doomed love. I believe whether the answer is a yes or no, XL is a decisive person. He chose to love, protect and give her the things she needed in life, but at the same time denied her his feelings if she wasn’t willing to accept. But her answer would have given him a closure that he desperately needed, whether or not she loved him back.  And every time I read about their interactions,
I just feel so frustrated with the way XY was constantly denying her feelings for XL though her actions were otherwise. She kept them both in this grey area, being intimate quite as lovers but not lovers. Although with TSJ around, she yearns for XL more than she should. I don’t think it’s normal for any woman to yearn for another man while in a relationship with another if there were no feelings. I feel like she kept XL on the sideline as a spare, but I can understand she did this because she was unsure of her life as a princess and what it might bring. With a lot of people trying to keep her in court (CX, FL, grandpa and father), some trying to kill her (CHXY), TSJ being incapable of protecting her at times, it’s suffocating and XY many times was completely free of this burden when she was with XL. He was her safe haven.  I also find she didn’t interact the same way with TSJ as she did with XL. With XL she was herself, but with TSJ she wasn’t as carefree and expressive. There seemed no real burning love between them, just one person deciding to be with the other for the sake of it. Also, this globe that she made for XL with the mermaid and merman inside, I think that was really the turning point of XY XL relationship. She subtly made it known to XL how she felt and what she wanted him to do, but XL chose not to do anything. I find after this incident both of them already gave closure to whatever was happening between them, that in this life they could not be together.

But with TSJ’s assassination before the wedding, it makes me wonder if XL ever regretted his decision by not keeping XY. He was a step closer to death with the war, XY would be all alone when he was gone and all he did would be in vain. She’d feel abandoned once more, lost hope and would rather die than keep hurting. She had already committed suicide once because her closest hurt her. It made me wonder if he would have the courage to make a different choice.