Kate

It's not like he is a poor dude who cannot afford therapy 😅

I am honestly quite amaze how much depth this drama was able to present and how complex the characters are with such a short length.

really long comment of my analysis pt 3
analyzing the abusive emotional toddler Su Hyeon.

Oh god, time for Kim Su Hyeon. I’m already exhausted lol

Let’s start with his background, since just like in Da On’s case, it’s extremely important to understand his correct personality and behavior.

He grew up in an abusive household. Probably both emotionally (that we know for sure based on his conversation with his father and mother) and physically (I highly doubt he was not hit when he was growing up, if his father was so casual about pointing a gun at him). So this is what he learned about relationships and social interactions. I would not be surprised if the father abused all the members of his family, his mother included. He never learned emotional regulation, from whom? He learned that the “appropriate” reaction is anger. What he learned from a young age is - you either control and own people, or they control and own you. He does not understand partnership. You are either on top, or people walk all over you. There is no cooperation, there is only control.

What’s more - because his emotional needs were never met, and no one cared about them, he had to prioritize them himself. And now he is egocentric and completely lacks insight into what other people think and feel. I think that’s one of the more interesting aspects of his character that is especially clear when he interacts with Seong Hyeon.

The end of episode 5 and the whole episode 6 was a perfect example of it.
“What do I do? He’s asking me to go in with him”. Why he said it? Because he wanted Seong Hyeon to feel jealous, To feel like he lost Da On. Make it seem like Da On chose Su Hyeon. Because this is what he would feel in this situation and this is what would make him angry. Why? Because he would not be able to see Da On’s fear, he would ignore how for any normal person Da On did not willingly choose him out of love. He would completely ignore Da On and his existence as a person. He would only focus on his own feelings and the fact he “lost” something. Something was taken away from him. While Seong Hyeon’s anger comes from worry over Da On’s safety, not jealousy. More than wanting Da On to choose him and stay with him, he just wants Da On not to go with Su Hyeon because he is scared he will hurt him. Su Hyeon thinks only about his feelings, his egocentrism makes it impossible for him to understand that other people might perceive the situation differently, might have different motivations than him. So he acts, says and reacts in accordance with how he himself would feel and think in any given situation.

It’s exactly the same during the “meeting” when he tells Da On “Leave work with me later”. Da On is just a tool here to assert Su Hyeon’s dominance. He is not a person in Su Hyeon’s eyes in that scene, he is his possession. His shining toy he “won” and now is annoying Seong Hyeon with. He said “leave work with me” not because he wanted to spend time with him, he said it to hurt and anger Seong Hyeon. And he is dumb enough to think he actually won and achieved what he wanted. He recognizes anger, it’s a feeling he knows quite well. But he cannot comprehend that Seong Hyeon’s anger comes from his care and worry over Da On, not the jealousy of him being with someone else.

And him being so egocentric is exactly why it was so easy for Jae Min to manipulate him. Because Jae Min is actually really good at understanding people - he understand their emotions, he just does not give a fuck about them. He knew exactly what to say to Su Hyeon to push him to do whatever he needed to be done.

Why did Su Hyeon agree to that fucked up contract? Because he completely failed at understanding Da On’s feelings. Him and Jae Min are quite similar in one aspect - both to some extent see any and all relationships as transactions, the mix of pros and cons. They view them from a business perspective. So he could either agree to the contract and keep Da On in his life, or not agree (while thinking Da On likes Jae Min) and potentially lose Da On completely. The choice was rather simple. For us, normal people this is such a bullshit situation, but for someone who grew up seeing how any and all relationships are about potential gains and profits (since this is how his family works), this was not as wild and ridiculous as it would be for literally any other person.

Jae Min knows Su Hyeon’s default reaction to anything is anger and he used it on every turn. And Su Hyeon played along without knowing.

You know the simplistic view on different types of reactions to danger: Fight, Flight, Freeze? Su Hyeon is in constant fight mode when faced with someone who is weaker than him. And that works for both actual physical danger, but also subjectively perceived emotional danger. For him Da On being “taken away” is the danger of losing the person he thinks he loves. Fighting is the only thing he learned growing up. He had nowhere to “flight” since his family was too powerful for him to run away, freezing would mean losing and being abused more. So he fought, and now he is fighting. Coz that’s all he knows.

He does not know how to make someone want to stay with him, but he knows how to make them fear leaving him. He understands fear, because that’s how he was raised. So when Da On sets boundaries, for him it means he wants to cut him off, so he reacts with anger and intimidates Da On, because that’s the only way he knows how to make him stay. He is so emotionally inept he can easily convince himself Da On still has feelings for him, that he chose to stay with him, and not that he was forced to do that. He is so focused on his feelings alone, he is simply incapable of understanding others. Which only makes him more angry. Because it’s hard to control people when you do not understand their motivations. Fear works on him, so he assumes fear works on everyone else. So he uses his anger to make them scared.

So, by all means Su Hyeon is a social and emotional idiot. But he is also abusive and aggressive. He is not a child, he needs to own up to his abusive behavior and “mistakes”. While his current mental state is not completely his fault, it is his responsibility.

Analysis of Da On: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21169602
Analysis of Jae Min: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21170638

1. SH was sure Da On likes Jae Min when the contract was proposed.
2. JM did not accept the confession because it was outside of his well controlled relationship with Da On and it also could trigger SH to spill the tea about the contract which could lead to him losing DDa On completely.

for 3, you can check my analysis of JM character, coz it;s a bit complex 😅
https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21170638

I hope some people who are really harsh on Da On wil, be able to understand his character a little bit more with this 🙂

he is so egocentric it's on a toddler level of understanding other people's emotions and motivations 🤡

Glad I could help 😅 I actually have a lot of fun writing these analysis

But I think judging Seonghyeon's character so far, I would say he was angry because he was helpless in that situation < this! I'm writing analysis over Suhyeon character right now and this is one of the scenes I talk about. How Suhyeon completely fails at understanding others. He thinks he makes Seonghyeon angry coz he is jealous. While Seonghyeon is angry because he cannot do anything in this situation to help Da On.

he is so fucked up, but that's what makes him an interesting character 🤡😅

I like to think I did a decent job explaining Jae Min's logic in my comment about his character, if you care checking out 😅
https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21170638

If a drama makes me written essay long comments, it's at least entertaining 🔥
But yeah, I am actually surprised how good this show is with the limited resources they had and how short it is.

really long comment of my analysis pt 2
this time I talk about our local Psycho Jae Min.

I feel like many people do not understand Sin Jae Min, which is good for you, means you are normal 🙂 By all means, majority of people should not understand the “logic” behind his actions. But let me explain some shit.

He is not normal. While I cannot diagnose him based on the few scenes, he for sure is a good example of someone with personality along lines of dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy). I know we all call him psychopath, but I do feel he falls closer to Machiavellianism with a dash of narcissism. Putting aside terminology, let’s focus on specific behaviors and his reasoning for them.

First of all, he loves being in control. That’s why he surrounded himself with weak or hurt people who are easily manipulated and controlled. Da On based on his lack of support and parental neglect was a perfect victim for him. A perfect possession to have. Su Hyeon with his complete lack of emotional control and retrospection, also growing up in an abusive family is a perfect tool to use. Even the few dudes he used for his scheme were clearly shown as people who were in a vulnerable situation - mostly financially, and Jae Min used that to make them do what he wanted. For him life is a game when, and he wants to win, whatever it takes.

I also think the aspect of control was the reason he kept Da On as a friend rather than boyfriend. Initially he probably did not have any strong feelings/obsessions about Da On. Then Su Hyeon showed up and started to win Da On over. Jae Min was losing control over the situation. Hence the contract. But that plan, even tho it worked at that moment, was also what limited his actions later on. People asked why he did not accept Da On’s confession. Well, where would it lead then? Su Hyeon would be pissed and tell the truth. That contract is not something he would be able to easily explain to Da On. It was a potential trigger and risk that could lead to Da On cutting him off of his life. He made his calculations and he saw how it was not worth the risk. I think it;s extremely important to understand he doesn't love Da On. He is obsessed over possessing him. It’s not the same.

And usually what it takes is manipulation. He makes sure he does not get his hands dirty if there is a different way to achieve his goals. And if he cannot, he makes sure the other person’s hands are as dirty as his, so they won’t spill the truth. The contract between him and Su Hyeon was a mutual agreement he achieved by making Su Hyeon believe Da On likes him, not Su Hyeon. Making him unsure to the point he would rather take the stupid deal than potentially lose Da On.

He used the other guy in the university to put Da On in a dangerous situation to 1: provoke Su Hyeon to act in an aggressive way (which would scare Da On and potentially make him move away from Su Hyeon) and also to scare Da On from trusting people and interacting with others. Keeping Da On vulnerable, scared and not willing to open up to others was the goal.

In the present timeline, why did he tell Su Hyeon about how close Da On is to Seong Hyeon? It was not out of understanding how Su Hyeon feels since they both like Da On. He wanted Su Hyeon to react badly, become more aggressive, and potentially hurt Seong Hyeon. Why? Because that would solve all his issues - Da On would push Seong Hyeon away to protect him from Su Hyeon, and hate Su Hyeon even more because of his behavior. That would leave Da On yet again alone and vulnerable, exactly how Jae Min wants him to be, so he can show up and be “good protecting hyung” saving him from the situation he himself orchestrated.

If I had to guess why he hurt Da On’s sister, I’d say he wanted to use that opportunity to get close to Da On again. Da On’s weakness is his family, especially his sister. Up till now, he did not reject Jae Min’s help because it was also helping his sister. They were in an awkward situation because of that confession and he needed a serious external factor that would force them to move away from it. He would show up as a savior to help his sister, help the person Da One cares about a lot, he wanted to create a situation where Da On would not be able to reject his help and “care”.

His goal is not to be with Da On, is to own him, isolate him from other people, and have control over his life. That’s why he was able to “be friends” instead of risking a relationship. Friendships are more stable, easier to control, easier to maintain. It’s all about pros and cons and calculations.

I think we can all agree he lacks empathy. Completely. He is remorseless and goal oriented with disregard of morality. He has no issue hurting Da On if that means he can keep him by his side. The more hurt Da On is, the easier it is to manipulate him cosplaying as a savior. He creates a dangerous situation and then shows up to solve it. He does not care who gets hurt as long as he achieves his goal.

And that leads us to him literally stabbing himself. Why? As a means of control and emotional manipulation. I am sure many heard stories of people threatening their partners that they will kill themselves if they leave. This is the case here. I will hurt myself so you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel obligated to take care of me. He was backed into the wall when Da On confronted him about his schemes and pushed him away, so he went to extreme lengths to keep Da On by his side - even if it meant hurting himself. He did it to regain control over the situation. To force Da On to stay. It was not emotional breakdown, it was an emotionless cold calculation and manipulation.

So yeah, he is batshit crazy and if you do not understand him and his motivation, and see no logic behind his actions, that’s a good thing in real life 👍🏻

Analysis of Da On: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21169602
Analysis of Su Hyeon: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21172128

I will be posting a full review after the drama ends and I will be linking all the comments I made while watching in the comment under the review 🙂

Glad to know it's helpful and not complete waste of time 🤣

His behavior needs to be viewed from the the big picture and the context of his whole life. It's easy to say he should set strict boundaries and not be passive, but if you never learned, how the fuck could you do it? 🤡

really long comment of my analysis of Da On's situation and him as a character 🥲

Let’s talk characters, coz I have many thoughts. All these are my subjective thoughts and analysis, don’t come at me for it 🤡 Gonna make separate comment for each character coz shit gonna be long Let’s start with Da On 🥲

I understand a lot of people are frustrated with his “lack of action” and passiveness when interacting with Su Hyeon and how blind he was about Jae Min’s schemes. But let’s put that behavior in the larger context. Da On was neglected throughout his childhood - growing up with a father who was addicted to gambling and a passive mother who did nothing to help her family, as his sister said - just lying down crying. It’s obvious he did not receive much love and support as he was growing up. He did not have healthy relationships examples, hence for him it’s hard to judge what is good or bad, appropriate, real care and manipulation etc. No one knows what is right, you learn by experiencing it. If he never experienced real care, how would he know if what we receive is right or not?

For specific “relationships” Su Hyeon is not some random dude that showed up at Da On’s life and right away turned aggressive. He was his beloved hyung during university. They knew each other for 7-8 years. He liked him. From the flashbacks we can see he was pushy, borderline disregarding Da On’s feelings (the library scene with the ring would be a good example), but it was never aggressive in the past and knowing Da On liked him, it might even be seen as a possessive flirting. He was someone who protected Da On.But he was also someone Da On never thought he could have, since he was in a “relationship” with Jae Min. And then he was gone after that “beating up a guy” moment. Probaby without much explanation. He never got a real closure. He saw someone who was taking care of him almost kill a man, and then he was gone.

And now he is back all angry, aggressive, possessive and with so much actual power over Da On’s life. He is not someone you can just say: fuck off, because the consequences might be: you losing your job, you being completely blacklist from the industry you work in, someone getting serious hurt or even potentially killed. Su Hyeon is not some ugly ass bitch that hit on Da On in a bar, someone he can reject and move on with his life. Su Hyeon is someone with great social, economical and emotional power over Da On. So from Da On’s perspective, with his lack of support system in literally all areas of his life, all he can do is de-escalate while trying to keep Su Hyeon in check so he won’t cross the line too far. He was not completely passive, agreeing to each and all Su Hyeon’s requests and demands. He set as much of a boundary as he could at any given moments - sometimes it was telling him strict no when they were in public place and Su Hyeon could not hurt him, but sometimes when they were alone, it was being passive, because he knows how aggressive and fucking nuts Su Hyeon can be when he does not get what he wants.

And that’s why he did not try to push away Su Hyeon when he forced that kiss on him in the beginning of episode 6. Because the consequences might have been worse than said kiss. He is traumatized by Su Hyeon's past and current behavior. He cannot predict when he will lash out next time, and how it will end, It’s not a unique behavior. Many victims of sexual assault do not fight their abuser out of fear of the escalation of the situation. It’s still not their fault, they were still assaulted. Being passive out of fear is not consent.

Moving on to his “situationship” with Jae Min. Initially he might have been the one who Da On liked. I am honestly not sure if at first he just admired him, or he truly had a crush on him. But it also does not matter much. Jae Min was kind and helpful hyung who was the first person in his life that offered him help, who seemed more interested in just making sure he improves and is in a good place, than gaining anything from it (free tutoring being the case). By all means he was the tiny part of normalcy in Da On’s life. For the longest time the only friend. Jae Min is extremely good at hiding his true nature. There was no reason for Da On to suspect anything. But since Jae Min always treated Da On as just a friend, he moved on with his romantic feelings - and started to like Su Hyeon. From Da On’s perspective, not much happened or changed even when Jae Min was “dating” Su Hyeon. He still admired Jae Min, he was this constant part of his life. When something seemed wrong between Jae Min and Su Hyeon, he was on Jae Min’s side, even when he liked Su Hyeon. Jae Min was the good part of his life.

I can easily see how his feelings started to grow after Su Hyeon left. He was left with Jae Min and Jae Min alone in his life. And I’m sure Jae Min made sure it was the case for years. After what happened with Su Hyeon, I’m sure he made sure to not make the mistake of letting Da On get close to anyone else. So Jae Min was literally all Da On had. And he never did anything wrong. Not once. But maybe he did? It’s obvious he crossed the boundary Da On tried to set countless times. How Da On told him not to get involved with his family, and Jae Min kept doing that. And it made Da On feel so in debt and guilty. And that made him feel like he is connected to Jae Min even more. Jae Min And Da On had no one in his life to call Jae Min’s actions out. To question the validity of his “help” and the true goals he might have. To show Da On how sneaky and manipulative he is.

But also, even if someone did, I don’t think Da On would listen. Why? Because Jae Min was the only person in his life that cared for him, stayed with him, and did not leave. turning his back on Jae Min would mean being comp;letely alone, and being alone is fucking scary.

And that leads me to why Da On had no issue pushing Jae Min off of him when Jae Min kissed him - because he never, not once saw Jae Min being aggressive. He never feared him. He had no reason to think pushing Jae Min away might put him or someone else in danger. It’s not like Da On did not push away Su Hyeon coz he liked the kiss, and Da On coz he did not. He just felt more safe to react in one situation compared to the other.

And then we have Seong Hyeon who showed up and Da On was “confronted” with what true selflessness means, true care and genuine feelings. And that’s when he slowly started to see that what was between him and Su Hyeon and him and Jae Min was just wrong. That’s when he started to set boundaries. That’s when he for the first time told Jae Min “no”. Because he experienced what a healthy friendship/relationship should be like. BUT you cannot just change your personality in one day. The bad habits and the passiveness caused by neglect, manipulation and trauma does not go away just because you were confronted with them. He takes tiny steps to improve his situation, but also himself. He falls back into bad coping mechanisms out of fear. Because change and healing takes time.

And that’s why he tries to push Seong Hyeon away, because at the moment it is the only way he knows how to protect him. He does not understand quite yet that Seong Hyeon truly likes him. He does not want him to be hurt, simply coz he feels pity for Da On and wants to help him. So he willingly locks himself in the cage with the abuser, and leaves Seong Hyeon safe, outside of it. He is yet to understand that he could lock the abuser, while stepping out of the cage himself. Tho from the end of episode 6, we might see actual progress in that area so yey!

Anyway, Da On is a dude that experienced a lot of trauma and neglect, had no examples of healthy relationships in his life, had all the burden of supporting himself and also worrying about his sister. He was a young guy who, as far as I see it, was groomed by two influential seniors into an easily manipulated and put in place possession. He was in that cage for years (7+, with Jae Min probably longer since they met when Da On was still preparing for university). You cannot heal, move on and set strict boundaries in a day. I honestly think he actually does so much better in this situation than the MAJORITY of people would. No matter how I see him, I do not think he is weak. The fact he did not break down yet for me proves he is strong. He just needs some guidance, be confronted with good experiences and behaviors to see how bad his situation is, so he can make a conscious choice to leave.

Analysis of Jae Min: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21170638
Analysis of Su Hyeon: https://mydramalist.com/723559-secret-relationship#comment-21172128

Or, just a thought... He was scared with Suhyeon coz he saw him almost kiss someone, he is unpredictable and he knows he can get hurt if he pushes him away too fast too much.

And with Jae Min, he had no idea how much of a psycho he truly was, so he was not as scared to actually push him away? 🤡

You know, just a thought.