Xiang Liu and Xiao Yao’s Story and Romance

Loooong post ahead. Much writing and grammar mistakes. Personal analysis, so highly subjective.

This analysis of Lost You Forever was inspired by:

• The incongruency between Tong Hua’s views on life, love and women’s empowerment and Xiao Yao’s choices and ending in LYF ;
• Kokuto's’s post about the parallel between the fox demon and Jing vs. the Snake demon and Xiang Liu. The first pair represents imprisonment while the second represents empowerment. windiaaa041293 also posted about this parallel to highlight Tong Hua’s writing method; and
• This comment by liddi:

 liddi:

It took Xiang Liu's death for her to finally break free from the cage that she had found herself in, leaving for the one place where Cang Xuan has no power over - the ocean and the many uncharted islands there.

Most of the reading of Lost You Forever focused on its romantic lines and I was no exception. However, during this re-reading, I found myself feeling dissatisfied with the romance (YaoJing) and increasingly annoyed with the heroine and her choices/behaviour. These feelings became stronger when I read about the author’s views on love, life and women’s empowerment. It seems contradictory for someone with such views to believe that Xiao Yao’s choices are healthy. Things made more sense when I read Tong Hua’s statement that XY’s choices stemmed from her psychological shortcomings. For me, this novel is more coherent (and less frustrating) if you read it from the perspective of a traumatized female lead and her journey towards healing. Essentially, The entirety of Lost You Forever is Xiao Yao searching for the way to true healing and integration and the romances are analogies to ways of getting there.

If Xiao Yao has a diagnosis it would probably be complex trauma. She had various traumatic experiences during her formative years, one of the biggest is what is termed attachment trauma – trauma that occurs in the context of a relationship with another person. Attachment security is a crucial factor for the development of a young child’s emotional, cognitive and interpersonal competence. As young children, we rely on our relationships with others to develop our sense of self/identity, our view of the world and relationships and our sense of security. For Xiao Yao, believing herself to be  “abandoned” by all her loved ones (particularly her mother) at a young age was a huge disruption and resulted in core beliefs around the inherent unsafety of the world, the untrustworthiness of people and being unlovable/not good enough. The result is someone who is deeply insecure, mistrustful and with a shaky sense of self. XY’s plaintive assessment of herself as someone with nowhere to go, no one to lean on and no means of self-protection comes from that abandoned child.

Her years in the wilderness are the beginning of the trauma manifestation - her constantly changing appearance and eventually forgetting what she looked like is a metaphor for a complete loss of self/identity. Xiao Yao’s inner resilience and resourcefulness (not to mention, stubbornness) that she displayed as a child helped pull her through and crafted Wen Xiao Liu. Her identity/life as Wen Xiao Liu presents a period of stable identity and freedom, but it’s still marred by deep insecurity and doubt. Reclaiming her true appearance and identity as Hao Ling’s Princess was the start of her healing journey – to heal we sometimes need to return to the start of our wound. Ironically, in returning to her Princess identity, Xiao Yao lost the freedom that she had as Wen Xiao Lu. She also became more passive. This is because her identity as Hao Ling’s Princess is a borrowed identity, it’s not who she truly is nor wants to be. Xiao Yao doesn’t like Royal life and never really fully integrated into it. She used her time and title as Princess to support CX – but there’s nothing there that’s really for Xiao Yao. The closer CX gets to achieving his goal and the less that he needs her, the more loss Xiao Yao becomes.

What Xiao Yao wants is to be free to explore and roam the world – the vast ocean is where Xiao Yao is most herself. But when your sense of self is shaky, when you hunger for love and acceptance, you will accept what others impose on you in exchange for belonging. The whole, “your blood had decided for you” is just another imposed limitation that keeps her trapped in this borrowed identity. Part of becoming an adult involves separating from your family of origin, sometimes this means rejecting their values/practices that are antithetical to yours. However, the abandoned child in Xiao Yao will not want to be rejected by her family again – particularly by Cang Xuan who is the only link back to her childhood before the trauma.

This abandoned child is also the one seeking someone who will always put her first, and who will never leave her – “if I’m their priority and they never leave me, then I am worthy”. Jing is the perfect choice from this abandoned child’s perspective, with his promises of love forever and ever. The problem with this method is that Xiao Yao is placing her sense of self, her worth and her security on an external source. This leaves her vulnerable because when this external source changes, all of these things will crumble. And things will change, no one, despite their best intention will be able to put you first at every instant. Jing certainly couldn’t. This method gives temporary relief, but it’s not true healing and in the long run, it will become maladaptive and help to perpetuate the problem. Jing is also a safe choice because he doesn’t pose a threat to her borrowed identity as Princess. Marriage to Jing will actually help to consolidate this identity.  

Xiang Liu presents the way to true healing. Xiao Yao is her truest self when she’s with Xiang Liu/FFb; her talent (making poisons) and interest (the ocean, roaming freely) are tied to him. Spending time with Xiang Liu elevated the boredom in her borrowed identity. Unlike Jing who represents dependence on an external source to soothe the abandoned child, Xiang Liu represents healing through self-empowerment. He taught her how to defend/protect herself, pushed her to stand on her own two feet and learn to fight for what she wants instead of relying on others. Choosing Xiang Liu is like choosing to rediscover the secure/joyful child at her core before the trauma and the abandoned child took over. But this is not a safe or comfortable choice, because it means potentially distancing herself from her family of origins and it involves examining her fears and addressing the distorted beliefs that are keeping her trapped. None of these things are easy. It’s easier to attach yourself to someone than do the work of standing on your own. So for the entire novel, she moved back and forth between the falsely reassuring promises of security represented by Jing and the true security that comes from self-knowledge and empowerment represented by Xiang Liu. Despite the numerous instances where Jing showed that what he promised/represented was not real, nor attainable, XY ignored all the signs and clung to hope – particularly whenever things got difficult with Xiang Liu. This one step forward –two steps back is typical for any change process.

Finding out about her true parentage, her parent’s relationship and understanding her mother’s choices are major factors to help Xiao Yao on her journey to true healing. It showed her that unlike what she erroneously believed, she was very much loved and wanted. This was also when she “lost” her Hao Ling’s Princess identity, taking on the mantel Xiling Jiu Yao. Xiling is her maternal lineage – she’s returning to a truer identity and it also signals forgiveness/acceptance of her mother whose original “abandonment” was the beginning of Xiao Yao’s trauma.

However, Xiao Yao still needs one last push. And that came from Xiang Liu. It took Xiang Liu’s death for her to break free of the cage that she had found herself in. Xiang Liu has to die to provide the final catalyst for Xiao Yao to take the next step on her healing journey. Xiang Liu has to die because true healing comes from standing on your own two feet rather than relying on someone else to rescue you. Xiang Liu, as the symbol of true healing, has to die to show Xiao Yao the danger of her real self “dying” if she continues to choose the false safety of the cage represented by Jing and her royal identity. (Tong Hua essentially “Fridged” Xiang Liu in service of Xiao Yao’s development :-) ).

But what about Xiao Yao’s marriage to Jing? Well, do you remember the non-consummation of the wedding night? And do you remember how Miao Pu still called Xiao Yao   “Miss” instead of “Mrs” when they were leaving for the ocean,  suggesting that the marriage hadn't been consummated way past the wedding night? Are these just coincidences?? Perhaps, perhaps not. Maybe, this is the author saying that Xiao Yao has not “become one” with the false healing that Jing represents, that she could still break free of this false path. The end of the novel sees Xiao Yao heading towards the ocean – the place where she feels true belonging and the place that represents Xiang Liu. Xiao Yao is finally on the path of true healing. Jing is still there because there will be times when she will revert to her old maladaptive coping strategies. After all, changes are difficult to sustain.  

The claim that this is a story of healing may not be so incomprehensible after all. Lost You Forever is Xiao Yao’s journey to healing, and like any recovery journey, there will be false starts and mistakes. Sometimes, you have to learn the wrong way to recognize the right way. For me, the end of the novel is the beginning of Xiao Yao’s journey to truly heal and discover herself.

The End.

P.S. Writing this piece reminded me of high school English and those themes and character analysis essays. Never thought I'd willingly write another one of those again. I have you ladies to thank for this :-)

P.P.S. Trauma and any mental health conditions are as complex and vary in their presentations as the individuals who suffer from them. The presentation of trauma in this essay has been simplified for ease of writing. Please don't take it as representative of the condition.

 windiaaa041293:

So what Xiaoyao means when she says "Afraid of Xiang Liu entering her dream" is that she is afraid that even if she just kisses Xiang Liu, she is worried that she will not be able to control herself and fantasize about a future with Xiang Liu. However, Xiang Liu is definitely not something she can imagine. Once people have this idea, they will definitely be in pain - Xiaoyao in the later period was so in pain that she wanted to die but couldn't. She already knew the result of fantasizing about Xiang Liu, but she still couldn't help it!

This is exactly what I understood from that scene when I saw it for the first time. I also didn't read the novel, so my experience comes only from watching the drama. Even with all the changes, they couldn't erase the essence of what it really meant.

People keep saying this was a rejection, that she was afraid of him. It never felt this way for me. She was afraid of herself. Afraid of losing control. Why would she be so deadly afraid of him entering her dreams (falling in love with him) with just one kiss if it wasn't because she was already head over heels for him?

 windiaaa041293:

Xiaoyao's words should be translated as: I love you, but I can't have even the slightest illusion about you. People like you are not a man that girls can fantasize about, otherwise it will only make my life worse than death. So let’s not get entangled like before.

Exactly.

 windiaaa041293:

The reason why Xiang Liu felt hurt at this time was because he couldn't understand Xiao Yao's fear at all. Xiao Yao's words sounded to him: We are not suitable, let's break up!

Poor baby. If only he knew what she really meant :(

 windiaaa041293:

he used Fangfeng Bei to provoke Xiaoyao, and Xiangliu still fell into Xiaoyao's dream. So thirty-seven years later, all of Xiangliu's actions were all to awaken Xiaoyao's dream with his own hands. .

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL, STOP.

 MayaDavid:

The most poignant part for me was after the marriage robbery when they arrived in Qing Shui town. The text doesn't even say much, but reading through that, my heart hurt so much for XY.

This is interesting. I haven't read the novel, so no idea about this. But why did you feel sad for her?

 MayaDavid:

She loved XL despite all her efforts to suppress and cut down the feeling. She dared to send the ice ball and waited for 7 days by the sea. When FFB took her away from the wedding, XL called back to the promise they made in Qing Shui town, ruined her reputation in front of everyone, killed FFB, and shattered her hopes. That was the cruelest way to break her heart. I understand why XL did that; I don't blame him. XL was even harsher on himself. However, it was so heartbreaking to read that. 

Oh, I see. I thought you were talking about the ending.

All that is terribly sad indeed. Even sadder because it leaves her no choice but to end up with Jing. That for me is the saddest aspect of this entire story.

@HeadInTheClouds

Thank you very much for your insightful analysis into the evolution of Xiao Yao's journey to healing from the scars of her childhood that shaped who she became as an adult.

What always struck me about Xiang Liu's role in her life, is how he differs from the other men who love her. Yes, he wanted to protect her, and did so many many times - the planting of the lovers bug was him giving his all to do so - putting his heart and his lives on the line for that purpose. Even his final words spoke of not being able to protect her anymore. However, he knew he could not be there for her forever, while her words about being unable to protect herself always stayed with him, and these words (as well as her other two wishes) would shape his actions from there on. And so he made provision to ensure that she would never need to be reliant on anyone to protect her, to give her a home she could always return to, and to give her a companion who would stay with her for life. He wanted her to be strong, to break free and live life to the fullest, even if he was not there to see it, to experience it with her. However, in the end, he was the final crutch that had to be taken away from her before she could finally break through.

Throughout the entire novel, he was Xiao Yao's crutch - the one she instinctively trusted to always save her, whatever danger she found herself in. She saw this when he breached the formation at the coast outside Dragon Bone prison after Cang Xuan forcibly took her to Gao Xin; again after the Plum Forest assassination where he sacrificed his life, essential blood and 37 years to save her; then after the assassination attempt by the albatross demon when he had to revert to his true form to do so; yet again after her suicide attempt. She knew in her heart that he would always be there, and I have to wonder whether that was the reason she was often reckless with her life because deep down inside, she expected he would come through and save her at the end, even if she railed against her inability to die due to the lovers bug that bound them both. The knowledge that the lovers bug connection was gone, was the loss of her first crutch. Suddenly, that surety was no longer there; alongside the sense of loss  for the last tie that connected them for more than 120 years. The final straw was knowing for a fact that he was dead, well and truly lost to her at last. And that outpouring of grief gave her the strength to grasp the life she wanted at last, to leave the shackles behind for a place which would always remind her of him.

So why do I feel so much sadness that this was the steep price she had to pay for her to finally become whole?

 MayaDavid:

I felt the same way. I started reading the book feeling sad about XL after the drama, but ended up heartbroken for XY. I don't blame XL or anyone. I think it's a tragic story with very tragic circumstances, but I felt so sad about XY. The most poignant part for me was after the marriage robbery when they arrived in Qing Shui town. The text doesn't even say much, but reading through that, my heart hurt so much for XY.

That was the first time Xiao Yao ever openly declared her feelings to Xiang Liu through the crystal globe, her mute appeal for him to come to her. It was also the first time she had ever taken the first step, she who had always been passive, waiting for those who claim to love her to give her their promise first. It must have taken so much courage from her to do so, which is why her 7 days waiting by the ocean for his response in vain was heartbreaking to watch, just as it was to see how much it cost Xiang Liu not to come to her. Then the standoff at Qingshui town, the devastation knowing he had killed off Fangfeng Bei - her last hope of him being willing to stay in the mortal realm, in her world. The 4 questions he would ask after that, and the unspoken answer he got from her refusal to answer that final question would at least accord him some modicum of comfort on the long, lonely path he has chosen to take for both of them.

 H19279:

---

@Liddi,

i have a question. his last eord in the nov is “from now on i don’t need to protect you” or “ i can’t protect you”

i found various translation across many site. in my opinion ot express totally different meaning.

Thanks

The text says this:

还记得清水镇外初相逢，你嬉皮笑脸、满嘴假话，唯一的一句真话是：我无力自保、无人相依、无处可去。

数十年箭术，你已有力自保，不必再危急时只能用自己的身体去保护想守护的人；一个如意情郎，你已有人相依，不必再形单影只，与孤寡做伴；天高海阔，你已有处可去，不必再被人追逼、无处安家。

相柳在心里默默地说：小夭，从今往后，我再不能守护你了，你要好好照顾自己，愿你一世安乐无忧！

I still remember our first encounter at the outskirts of Qingshui town. You were grinning cheekily, with a mouth full of lies. The only truth you said was, I have no ability to protect myself, no one to rely on, no place to go.

With decades of archery skills, you now have the ability to protect yourself, and need no longer only be able to use your own body to protect those you wish to protect in times of danger. With a lover you wish for, you now have someone to rely on, and need no longer be alone, with solitude as your companion. The skies are lofty and the oceans vast, you now have a place to go, and need no longer be pursued by others, with no place to call home.

Xiang Liu said silently in his heart: Xiao Yao, from here on, I can no longer watch over and protect you. You must look after yourself well. Wishing you a lifetime of carefree peace and happiness!

-- Vol 3, Epilogue

is it good?